To be frustrated by friend complaining about her DD?

[Usernamesettings]

I have a friend I've known over 10 years. She has a 23 year old DD who is her only child.

Her DD is very clever and has done well academically - good degree and MA. She is now living back with her parents.

I have always strongly differed from my friend in my view of students working. I always worked during sixth form and university, albeit part time, and my parents wouldn’t have entertained anything else. My friend has worked full time since being a teenager.

Since my friend’s DD turned 16 there were always mutterings about how her DD was going to get a part time job, but she never did. Then she went away to university and was always going to get a job, and then it became a holiday job because DD was too busy to get one during term time. My friend paid DD’s bills during this time plus spending money.

I always thought it was doing her DD no favours to have her go into the world of work at 21 with no work experience whatsoever but it’s not my business.

DD then went on to do her MA, with bills and spending again covered by friend.

DD is now home and working one or two shifts a week at a local pub (this took six months from completion of the MA).

My friend is in constant despair about the situation, and worries her DD’s degree will be wasted because she won’t apply for graduate schemes and there’s obviously a new cohort each year, won’t apply for any jobs at all really and she doesn’t know what to do. Friend has even mentioned that she was going to speak to her own contacts to try and get DD a job. She has suggested many opportunities but her DD won’t apply. I have been sympathetic and suggested DD may be suffering a lack of confidence or maybe is applying but doesn’t want to discuss it with her mother.

I met my friend last month and she was again lamenting how her DD was wasting her education.

I asked how her DD was living, and how was she affording nights out and meals, trips away on just a couple of nights working in a pub?

My friend is giving her DD £850 a month.

I said that this is the clear reason why her DD did not have a job. I told my friend to stop, and my friend seemed shocked and said she’d speak to her husband about whether they should reduce the amount. I met her for lunch today and they haven’t reduced it - they want DD to be comfortable and they have the money.

AIBU to tell friend the next time she mentions it that it’s perfectly clear why her DD has no intention of getting a job, that she isn’t doing her any favours and I don’t want to discuss it any more because there is no mystery?

“Friend”?

You don’t like her. Why not just not get together with her again? My guess is that it’s very infrequent get togethers anyway

I do like her, and I see her very frequently, and she is always saying how concerned and worried she is that her DD won’t look for jobs.

Leave them to it.
If your friend wants to continue funding her dd it is on her.
Her dd may or may not see the light.
All you can do if she comes to you is say "well if you continue to fund her she has no motivation to get a proper job"

I also think work is important but tbh many adults at that stage do similar. It’s a struggle to find the opportunities at that age and many have rattled through school and uni and aren’t sure how to navigate adulthood, whether they’ve previously worked or not. I expect the vast subsidy is what’s stopping her getting more pub shifts, but it’s obviously not comparable to a full time wage in a job she might be aiming at.

Does she know what she wants? Is she happy or miserable?

Do you have any kids @Usernamesettings ?

I would stop her if she's complaining about her dd and tell her that "ofcourse she doesn't want to work- she has housing and spending money like a lady of leisure- no young people would work if given that"
And repeat every single time. She doesn't get to complain when she's the one creating the problem in the first place.

Honestly I think this is storm in a teacup nonsense. Everyone involved here sounds detached from the real world.

Everyone likes a moan about stuff. My friend annoys me because she always spends loads of money on world book day costumes, Halloween etc. Which triggers my not so inner grouch about consumption and mass production of tat - which would be equally annoying for her to hear about.

Sometimes friends just want a no strings attached moan.

Very happy. Talking about getting a flat with her boyfriend. It was my confusion over this that made me ask how she was affording things.

It irritates me that I’ve spent months sympathising with my friend who’s been confused about her DD’s lack of drive and ambition in getting a job, suggesting confidence issues or the job market, suggesting roles in my own company which could we well suited to DD, when it’s actually blatantly obvious why and I have no idea why my friend has not realised that her DD isn’t getting a job because she’s being paid to do nothing.

Thank you! This is my annoyance. I wouldn’t work if someone covered all of my bills and gave me £850 a month to spend on myself. If my friend wants to fund this then that’s her (stupid) choice but don’t endlessly complain DD hasn’t got a job.

Op you have kids? Adult kids?

What does that have to do with the thread?

It is constant though. Every time we meet it is confusion and worry and talks of having to sit down with DD to see what’s troubling her about getting a job, or concern DD doesn’t want to earn more than her boyfriend etc etc. Every time we meet.

Ok so no

Usually I see how this question is relevant. I don’t in this case.

Do you have adult kids? Do you transfer just shy of £1000 to them each month that you work for so that they can sit at home?

If you do, why? What is the logic?

So you don’t.

I think relevant.

Her daughter at 23 sounds intelligent and has worked hard. She won’t want to be living on £850 a month. It’s a crap desert out there for grads. She no doubt is starting to feel very bleak about her future, as many are, and her mother is worried, very worried, like many are about their young adults trying to get work

go for it @Usernamesettings
Next time you see her… basically tell her to zip it
job done

You’ve tried to rescue your friend, she doesn’t listen so you feel like a victim in that you’ve wasted your time, then you’re annoy with her (persecutory). Check out “drama triangle”
Round and round you go until you choose a heathy adult response, which might be just a mild reply then changing the subject.

Your “friend” clearly likes moaning for the sake of it and isn’t looking for you to provide solutions (unless you can offer the dd a job!)

I think that you’re right in that it could be a lack of confidence or being too comfortable thing but you’ve also not told us what kind of place you live in - is it a place with jobs? You’ve also forgotten that obvious - when the economy isn’t doing well there’s fewer jobs around. Did she study a subject that leads to good job prospects?

I mean she's clearly spoilt her daughter but you've gone this long without pointing it out so why start now?

I'd probably bite my tongue and change the subject.

I was all set to hit YABU until I read she’s giving her £850! That’s a lot and I agree there’s no incentive for her DD to work. DS is in Y12 and asked to do a lifeguard course in the October half term (which cost £350) as he allegedly, wanted a job as a lifeguard. He’s done sweet FA to actually get one since he passed. I’m letting it slide at the moment as he’s studying and also a competing athlete so runs 6 days a week and doesn’t have a huge amount of time without giving up his training. But come the summer holidays, the pressure will be ramped up.

I know when I interview at work for our grad scheme, I do expect to see some sort of employment by the time they’ve hit 21 - it’s quite apparent as well which ones have worked and who hasn’t. They come across far more self assured and just more mature. Duke of Edinburgh and Young Enterprise just doesn’t seem to develop the same life skills as working in a pub, coaching kids football, I’ve even had a few who ran their own side hustle businesses and they were super impressive.

She’s not applying for jobs.

She’s not applying for jobs.

I would think she’s probably depressed

she has worked very hard and done well
come home
surviving on £850 a month handout

Have you asked your friend about her daughter’s mental health?