To be frustrated by friend complaining about her DD?

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I have a friend I've known over 10 years. She has a 23 year old DD who is her only child.

Her DD is very clever and has done well academically - good degree and MA. She is now living back with her parents.

I have always strongly differed from my friend in my view of students working. I always worked during sixth form and university, albeit part time, and my parents wouldn’t have entertained anything else. My friend has worked full time since being a teenager.

Since my friend’s DD turned 16 there were always mutterings about how her DD was going to get a part time job, but she never did. Then she went away to university and was always going to get a job, and then it became a holiday job because DD was too busy to get one during term time. My friend paid DD’s bills during this time plus spending money.

I always thought it was doing her DD no favours to have her go into the world of work at 21 with no work experience whatsoever but it’s not my business.

DD then went on to do her MA, with bills and spending again covered by friend.

DD is now home and working one or two shifts a week at a local pub (this took six months from completion of the MA).

My friend is in constant despair about the situation, and worries her DD’s degree will be wasted because she won’t apply for graduate schemes and there’s obviously a new cohort each year, won’t apply for any jobs at all really and she doesn’t know what to do. Friend has even mentioned that she was going to speak to her own contacts to try and get DD a job. She has suggested many opportunities but her DD won’t apply. I have been sympathetic and suggested DD may be suffering a lack of confidence or maybe is applying but doesn’t want to discuss it with her mother.

I met my friend last month and she was again lamenting how her DD was wasting her education.

I asked how her DD was living, and how was she affording nights out and meals, trips away on just a couple of nights working in a pub?

My friend is giving her DD £850 a month.

I said that this is the clear reason why her DD did not have a job. I told my friend to stop, and my friend seemed shocked and said she’d speak to her husband about whether they should reduce the amount. I met her for lunch today and they haven’t reduced it - they want DD to be comfortable and they have the money.

AIBU to tell friend the next time she mentions it that it’s perfectly clear why her DD has no intention of getting a job, that she isn’t doing her any favours and I don’t want to discuss it any more because there is no mystery?

This, if it bothers you
Can't see how it affects your life though

I’ve read all of your responses OP and all I can think is why is this bothering you so much. She’s not your daughter, it’s not your money. Why do you give one shiny shit if she ever gets a grad role. What business of yours is it how your friend spends her money. Honestly. Who cares.

Yeah this would annoy me too op. Just shut it down and change the subject.

Except that how many children they have enough money to do it for is of no relevance to the scenario.

£850 per month spending money with her housing/meals/energy costs being covered by her parents is a lot of money for one person. She'll also have her wages for working one or two shifts a week in the pub.

I assume that OP's daughter could ask for more shifts if she was struggling for money, which she obviously isn't.

The job market may be bleak but OP's friend's daughter has no work experience apart from the couple of shifts per week in the pub. Most university graduates have worked in part-time jobs while they studied and full-time during university vacations so have transferable skills that they can bring to their jobs post-university.

If I was rolling in millions I would still not pay for my children to sit at home and not work. Not in a million years. There is no chance whatsoever I’d be going out to work and handing my money to adult children to sit at home. The idea is insane to me.

Food and a house, of course, any time, whatever the circumstances. But pay them to do nothing? Absolutely not. The idea that any jealousy is at play is ridiculous.

Your child has applied. Friend’s DD is not applying for jobs, so it is certainly hopeless.

I have explained numerous times that it’s my friend repeatedly complaining in a mystified why that her DD isn’t applying for jobs that irritates me.

I get you OP.

It's the constant complaining when it's very obvious what the problem is and what the solution would be.

I'd just tell her you won't discuss it anymore and shut it down every time she brings it up.

Double posted.

@Assword Even if her DD is feeling depressed- and feeling depressed about job-hunting (which is miserable) isn’t the same as being diagnosed clinically depressed- she still needs to apply for jobs. Life is often depressing and stressful, but most people still need to work.

I agree with those saying that next time your friend starts complaining, reply that she knows your opinion on the subject. There’s really no point rehashing it tbh.

I’m in a similar situation with a friend except she has two DD’s, 25 and 21. The eldest finished uni and is at home not doing much and the youngest is still at uni but messing about. Meanwhile my friend and her DH are working hard to support them. She also needs to get tougher, but seems reluctant to. So the cycle continues.

Yes, sounds exactly the same. Why are they so reluctant to oIt their foot down and say ‘enough’s enough. No more money, get a job’? That’s surely doing right by them in the long run.

But working even temping work gives a future employer the indication that you can get yourself up dressed and to work on time 5 days per week

I would ask whether the dd knows what work she wants to do and realises with any job you aren’t going to walk into a high paying managerial role straight from university

I think for a lot of students doing A levels and then a degree is just a way of putting off making a decision of what they want to do with their lives and not working means that they think they can attempt to enter the world of work without any of the skill sets others have.

I also think they have been sold this idea that having a degree makes them special when really it’s very run of the mill

I agree this girl has got too comfortable and her parents are doing her no favours letting her live off them

Time to make a plan and have a goal in mind

Very soon her friends will start getting promoted, getting engaged/married/children and if she isn’t moving forward they will leave her behind as they won’t have anything in common with her

What your friend should do is think about what she envisages her dd doing in 5 years or 10 years time and what makes her think that the life they are living now isn’t going to be the same .

What your friend should do is think about what she envisages her dd doing in 5 years or 10 years time and what makes her think that the life they are living now isn’t going to be the same .

@FairKoala Good advice. We realized that it’s important to talk to our children about where they see themselves in 5 years, 10 years, etc. It doesn’t matter if they’re unsure, because it’s also about deciding what they DON’T want. If her friend’s DD doesn’t want to be in her current situation at 28, she needs to work out how to make the necessary changes.

The OP mentioned moving into a flat with her bf. for example. That’s a solid goal-now she needs to work out how to achieve it.