To be frustrated by friend complaining about her DD?

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I have a friend I've known over 10 years. She has a 23 year old DD who is her only child.

Her DD is very clever and has done well academically - good degree and MA. She is now living back with her parents.

I have always strongly differed from my friend in my view of students working. I always worked during sixth form and university, albeit part time, and my parents wouldn’t have entertained anything else. My friend has worked full time since being a teenager.

Since my friend’s DD turned 16 there were always mutterings about how her DD was going to get a part time job, but she never did. Then she went away to university and was always going to get a job, and then it became a holiday job because DD was too busy to get one during term time. My friend paid DD’s bills during this time plus spending money.

I always thought it was doing her DD no favours to have her go into the world of work at 21 with no work experience whatsoever but it’s not my business.

DD then went on to do her MA, with bills and spending again covered by friend.

DD is now home and working one or two shifts a week at a local pub (this took six months from completion of the MA).

My friend is in constant despair about the situation, and worries her DD’s degree will be wasted because she won’t apply for graduate schemes and there’s obviously a new cohort each year, won’t apply for any jobs at all really and she doesn’t know what to do. Friend has even mentioned that she was going to speak to her own contacts to try and get DD a job. She has suggested many opportunities but her DD won’t apply. I have been sympathetic and suggested DD may be suffering a lack of confidence or maybe is applying but doesn’t want to discuss it with her mother.

I met my friend last month and she was again lamenting how her DD was wasting her education.

I asked how her DD was living, and how was she affording nights out and meals, trips away on just a couple of nights working in a pub?

My friend is giving her DD £850 a month.

I said that this is the clear reason why her DD did not have a job. I told my friend to stop, and my friend seemed shocked and said she’d speak to her husband about whether they should reduce the amount. I met her for lunch today and they haven’t reduced it - they want DD to be comfortable and they have the money.

AIBU to tell friend the next time she mentions it that it’s perfectly clear why her DD has no intention of getting a job, that she isn’t doing her any favours and I don’t want to discuss it any more because there is no mystery?

I wouldn’t say £850 + pt wages + a roof over your head and all your bills paid is ‘surviving’. How many people have £1000+ per month fun money? What’s to be depressed about? I’d be thrilled!

Wish I had 850 disposable income after bills......

I think your friend has got it wrong. I have a DD of the same age. We supported her whilst she was job hunting, but not even close to that amount (and I thought we were being very indulgent).
But you can’t do anything about it. It’s really frustrating, but once you have said your piece you need to let it go. Your friend is not taking your advice so I think you need to change the subject. Remind her that she knows what you think and move on.

Bit of a derail but I don’t see why it’s relevant that this girl is an only child. There’s such a casual link in people’s minds that it is commensurate with spoilt and it irritates me.

Sorry it irritates you, but in this case they clearly couldn’t be giving her what they are if there were siblings.

Of course they potentially could.

There are plenty of wealthy families with more than one child. Private schools cost more than £900 per month and there are many families with more than one child educated privately.

And there are plenty of single child families who couldn’t. Including mine.

We’re not talking about plenty families. We’re talking about one family.

I have a relative who recruits graduates. Being intelligent, having a multiple degrees or a masters does not mean you can walk into a grad job. Evidence of initiative, drive, reliability and a good work ethic give candidates a huge step up. A 23 year old who has only worked in a pub occasionally wouldn't attract much interest from recruiters. I suspect your friend will be supporting her DD for some time to come.

From my end they are a family who are choosing to spend their money on their child in this way and it’s not relevant how many children they have or how many children they could do it for.

But I do accept you were just trying to set context and it sounds like quite a frustrating thing to have to listen to over coffee so I hear you.

You sound like a nice friend 🙄

I would rather be friends with the OP than the mother who spoils her child rotten and keeps whining about her daughter non-stop.

My brother in law was similar in a way. Bummed about for years post-uni, and though he did work it was just casual gap-year type stuff that meant he was constantly being bailed out by my in-laws who were way too soft IMO. He was always talking about some big job just around the corner that would kick-start some sort of career. Never happened. Now in his early 30s with still no real prospects (vs his siblings who have all knuckled down and got themselves sorted), the in-laws are finally realising they should have stopped bankrolling his gallivanting years ago. So I don't think you're being unreasonable.

I don’t see what the ‘child’s’ lack of working during A levels or term time has anything to do with what’s happening now. Did she not work in the summers either?
Of course being basically paid not to work is at play here. Many people wouldn’t work if they didn’t have to put food on the table and pay rent! And plenty of wealthy (or not) people subsidise their kids. But usually those kids are working or at least looking for work - you say this young woman isn’t even applying. Her mother should tell her that while she can live at home rent free and have food, everything else is up to her.

It's not bankrolling a high flying lifestyle but it's enough money to stop the daughter seriously looking for full time work. Which is the OPs friend's problem. Therefore it's enough money to cause many issues

I would feel the same OP. I have an only dd coming home after graduation and there is no way I will be bank rolling her anything - food and board fine - all else find a job. Of course if you have that plus 850 there's no real push. It's not just about finding the ideal job - they should be be getting A Job at least. Pps saying 850 over board and food is nothing must be on a different planet. Probably no point debating - but you are not wrong to eye roll and I would be mighty irritated.

What irritates you is that this child doesn’t have the same ethos as you did. It’s not so much that your friend can afford the money - it’s more your morals say she should be working. You don’t want to say if you have children or not - you say it’s not relevant. I would argue it IS relevant. If you had an only child and they were struggling to get a job or whatever - would you throw them out in the street / not care/ help them if you had the means to!? And if you do have children - maybe you can’t afford to give them the money your friend can so then It becomes a potential jealousy thing? Either way - you don’t sound like you like this friend very much at all - I would try and distance yourself a bit so you don’t feel irritated by her.

I’d far prefer a friend who was honest with me and could give a different perspective on things than someone who just nodded, agreed and listened to me spout the same old shit all the time without anything changing.

Possibly it's relevant because if she had siblings there wouldn't be enough money available to give her £850 a month.

Well i would say either do something about it or stop going on about the friend made their choice it is up to them to change it but do people assume wants to hear someone constantly go on about the same thing

No single person is 'surviving' on £850 a month. She's thriving and taking the piss! I would adore £850 to just spend on myself, going out, clothes, make up etc etc each month.

Same.

One of my DC is late teens and in receipt of money for a disability but has applied for part time work but isn't hearing back from anywhere.

It can hopeless at times for this generation.

Absolutely! I have less (a lot less) than that after bills, and have to pay for food, toiletries, clothes etc out of it for me and my offspring!

The best advice is to distance yourself from this friend. She obviously doesnt want to stop bankrolling her DD and it irritates the living shit out of you when she complains about it, so the best thing to do is to distance yourself from her until her DD has a job where her degree and MA are relevant.

Her daughter at 23 sounds intelligent and has worked hard. She won’t want to be living on £850 a month

She isn't living on £850 a month, all her bills are paid for, she has £850 a month spending money, plus whatever she earns working in the pub.