To be frustrated by friend complaining about her DD?

[Usernamesettings]

I have a friend I've known over 10 years. She has a 23 year old DD who is her only child.

Her DD is very clever and has done well academically - good degree and MA. She is now living back with her parents.

I have always strongly differed from my friend in my view of students working. I always worked during sixth form and university, albeit part time, and my parents wouldn’t have entertained anything else. My friend has worked full time since being a teenager.

Since my friend’s DD turned 16 there were always mutterings about how her DD was going to get a part time job, but she never did. Then she went away to university and was always going to get a job, and then it became a holiday job because DD was too busy to get one during term time. My friend paid DD’s bills during this time plus spending money.

I always thought it was doing her DD no favours to have her go into the world of work at 21 with no work experience whatsoever but it’s not my business.

DD then went on to do her MA, with bills and spending again covered by friend.

DD is now home and working one or two shifts a week at a local pub (this took six months from completion of the MA).

My friend is in constant despair about the situation, and worries her DD’s degree will be wasted because she won’t apply for graduate schemes and there’s obviously a new cohort each year, won’t apply for any jobs at all really and she doesn’t know what to do. Friend has even mentioned that she was going to speak to her own contacts to try and get DD a job. She has suggested many opportunities but her DD won’t apply. I have been sympathetic and suggested DD may be suffering a lack of confidence or maybe is applying but doesn’t want to discuss it with her mother.

I met my friend last month and she was again lamenting how her DD was wasting her education.

I asked how her DD was living, and how was she affording nights out and meals, trips away on just a couple of nights working in a pub?

My friend is giving her DD £850 a month.

I said that this is the clear reason why her DD did not have a job. I told my friend to stop, and my friend seemed shocked and said she’d speak to her husband about whether they should reduce the amount. I met her for lunch today and they haven’t reduced it - they want DD to be comfortable and they have the money.

AIBU to tell friend the next time she mentions it that it’s perfectly clear why her DD has no intention of getting a job, that she isn’t doing her any favours and I don’t want to discuss it any more because there is no mystery?

I think it’s different supporting a student to an out of work 20 odd year old who just isn’t applying for jobs, even if I did expect my kids to work during uni, and was expected to myself.

She sounds like my ex husband who funds our eldest adult child’s entire life and and then complains they wont apply for jobs. Infuriating.

Well, is the job fairy going to knock on the door? She knows she’d have to apply for jobs.

£850 after all of your bills and food is a lot for a 23 year old.

As I say - go for it. Tell her to basically zip it!

Absolutely this! Why do they do it? It really isn’t helping them.

Have you asked about her daughter’s mental health?

It’s not helping but your friend has made a rod for their own back. I’m supporting my dds through university but during the weeks they are home they work when they can and I don’t give them any money. There is no way I’d be giving my DD £850 a month. I’d cover the basics that’s all.

Her mental health is fine.

Doesn’t answer my question

You’ve asked / your friend has said that her daughter is not feeling depressed about her situation?

Yes, I entirely agree. Food, heating, of course, but £850 when my friend is working long hours in a stressful job blew my mind. I cannot fathom how she doesn’t realise the lack of job searching is because this money means she doesn’t need a job.

Fucking hell, yes, I know that her daughter is not depressed. She’s having the time of her life, out for meals and drinks most nights and enjoying holidays.

What situation? Her situation is that she’s been paid £850 a month to spend on luxuries for herself without having to look for (or do) a job.

@Usernamesettings Suggest that they make the allowance contingent on a certain number of reasonable job applications each month? To suitable jobs. And they see the applications so that they can see how good they are, etc.

From interest, what subject was her degree and Masters in?

@Assword it’s been proven that working helps mental health. Sitting home pondering the world does not help.

Indeed!!

But dos it occur to you that someone depressed may struggle to be motivated?

If she's working at the pub though she could pick up more shifts or get another job that is more hours. DD2 works more hours than this girl and she's 17 and at college 3 days a week and has AuADHD. I worked full time for two years after graduation and went to law school for a year and worked 16 hours a week in a job while I was there before I got an actual career job.

@Alainlechat I agree - many celebs & people with decent incomes make their kids work. It’s never good to have no work ethic.

Again didn’t answer my question

have you asked about her mental health or has your friend confirmed that she’s not in the least concerned her daughter may be feeling depressed

£850 a month is really not much. It’s hardly bank rolling a high flying life style.

You clearly cannot read. I don’t think there’s anything to be gained in continuing to reply to you.

Do it op. Tell your friend to stop talking about it to you. Go for it.

£850 a month of money for yourself after all bills, food, or other spending obligations is vastly more than most people in the UK have, which is £402 on average.

https://www.nationwide.co.uk/media/news/four-in-ten-live-on-under-gbp-6-60-a-day-after-bills-half-the-uk-average-and-just-enough-for-a-meal-deal-coffee-and-chocolate-bar

I’ve watched this cognitive dissonance about working amongst my friends with their kids.

There are two camps:

1. working is good for you and all work experience can give life skills / sometimes you just need to suck up a shit job

vs

2. you should only work at jobs commensurate with skills aspirations and mummy and daddy will pony up an income.

Interestingly the two wealthiest household are very much “get a job, oh student children”.

What’s interesting is I’m also now watching it play out in my generation (middle aged).

i’m aware of a huge culture clash in a marriage where someone brought up by indulgent parents is now fairly long term unemployed as they cannot find a job in their field. Their partner did everything and anything historically to earn an income. Money is tight and the “I will only work in a job commensurate with my skills” partner has had the most god almighty strop at the suggestion they apply for basic jobs (retail, office etc) so they have an income to help keep the household afloat and to help rebuild a slightly sparse CV.

It’s also turned out they have never claimed unemployment benefit so every period of unemployment is a gap in their NI record and thus state pension entitlement. This was fine when they were younger and had time to catch up but we are getting ever closer to retirement age and the time to catch up on missed contributions is narrowing.

I actually think it might be relationship ending.

100% stay out of it!

Understandable. You’ve been a listening ear for ages and nothing changes because nothing changes. Sympathy has it’s limits!

I could not agree more. There is definitely a sense that certain jobs are beneath some people.

This one is a strange hybrid. My friend’s DD has a job in a pub, so it’s not that she thinks any job except a high flying one is beneath her. It’s that she won’t apply for any job (her boyfriend also works in the pub because his uncle is the manager, so it was a case of her boyfriend just having a word).