Excluded from bday party - aibu to text the parent?

[RealReginaPhalange]

Reception. Its Feb so kids know each other well enough. Bday party tomorrow, idk how many not invited and how many invited but my son has been excluded. They do play together at school but i dont know the mum. They had chats today about party tmrw, my DS feels he is invited and he is fully aware of the party. Apparently invitations went out by whatsapp directly. I am on whatsapp group so it is not an error. Fine not to invite everyone but in reception? They dont have own little circles of friends yet. Invite everyone or no one at that age. And then talks at school and some kids end up upset. I am so so angry now and will need to have a chat with ds. should i text the mom it is hurtful or should i leave it?

just to add. I dont really know parents there and not sure if she is well known, i am worried i will be a gossip no 1 afterward and it would lead to my ds being excluded more.

aibu - dont text
not aibu - text

You've said you don't really know the mum that well and I think this may be the issue, an amazing number of mums prioritise their friends kids above their kids friends.

A huge reason not all classmates aren't invited is because they need to invite kids from their friends. In this case, siblings need to be included because you're family friends and that pushes the guestlist out like crazy. Even a venue with 20 can easily fill up if siblings from 2-3 families come along.

It's easiest to draw the line with families who you don't really know personally. It's far less awkward. If you don't invite a close friend then you will inevitably end up bumping into them at a future party.

We usually do smaller, themed parties so it's quite intimate and fun, but DD has never been invited back by at least 2 of the families who we've invited for 2-3 consecutive years. I get along well with the mums although not "bestie" status and I appreciate they have their reasons which aren't personal.

well no, you'd let him choose who to invite rather than using his birthday to play some pathetic tit for tat game. Jesus fucking Christ how old are you?!

friendships at that age can be a minefield - do you realise by not actively encouraging his friendship with a boy he likes because this boy's family is moving away ... you are also contributing the isolation of this boy even though you may not mean to.
We all do whats best for our own kids which is not necessarliy best for other people's kids

YABU, we did a party in reception, wasn't the whole class as I couldn't afford it! 12 kids was about half the class so no one was singled out as excluded, if I had to invite all 20+ he wouldn't have been able to have a party and why should an 5yo not get to have their own party to save the feelings of others?

Demanding an entire class is invited doesnt allow for exclusion of bullies or kids who just don't rub along well either, or if you do exclude just one out of the whole class that's worse for that kid than being one of 5-10 surely?

I completely do not agree with inviting few kids at that age. I am not british and didnt grow up here so maybe i have a different perspective but i do think its nasty.

Just spotted this, even though I'm sure posters here are going to deny the hell out of it. But we can all admit that racism exists, especially if you look at the percentage of people in the UK who would identify as right wing or conservative. You just need to take a look into some of the other threads to see how much vitriol there is for immigrants or the Israel/Palestine issue. Statistically, in any given class, the number of fairly racist families is exactly the same as the voters for the same ideologies in every election. So the odds are pretty high, at least 1 in 3 or 4 bday parties.

Depending on where you're from originally, some parents definitely prioritise inviting white British friends over friends with different ethnic or religious backgrounds. Part of it might be not wanting to deal with potential language barriers with the parents (first gen immigrants) or just feeling like they won't click with the family anyway so there's no point pursing a friendship.

Dont be that mum.

Children unfortunately need to learn that they cant get invited to everything. Situations like this are how they learn that.

sorry, but this is nuts.

I always did parties at home.
We had 10 kids. That is the max number that can safely play games in our house.
I have never had a whole class party.
I could not afford to hire halls and pay per child etc, and I did a damn good party at home with load sof games and activities and they had a great time.
10, out of a class of 30.

Where on earth do you get the idea that people can host 30 children? What makes you think that that is normal or appropriate?

I was careful with invitations, so if the class had 11 girls, I would not have invited 10 and left one out, but my kids always had both boys and girls to their parties. 10 is less than half the class.

So, yes entitled and a bit bizarre

id understand if everyone was invited but yours - i would message then as its cruel
You cannot have your kids be invited to every party

honestly when they get older you will be made up if you dodge the party invites!

For my kids parties there was always a set number of children (usually determined by price or activity). Occasionally I would automatically include one or two kids to the list - If I was very good friends with mum, or my child had been invited to their party, but otherwise my kids would choose their preferred party goers. Their special day, their choice. Remember this is not your child’s birthday or party it is their child’s. It isn’t a vendetta against your child, it’s just he isn’t the priority. When it is your son’s birthday you will make sure he is.

Bloody hell. I already feel sorry for the teachers that have to deal with you!

I have never ever invited a whole class of children to my son's birthday and intend to never do it going forward. Yes, children may get upset when they are not invited, but that is life and that is teaching them the art of disappointment and resilience. You are doing your child no favours by being this OTT. Your child will grow up entitled and will not know the meaning of no. That would be a huge fail on your part.

Do NOT text. You will be THAT parent all through school. Yikes.

The fact it didn’t go on the group suggests they’ve only invited a few, so doesn’t seem like your DS has been deliberately excluded per se. Just the way it goes I’m afraid. My DC is also in reception, they’ve been invited to some whole class parties, a couple of smaller parties and hasn’t had invites to a few more. Just the way it goes! (Different if he’s the only one in the whole class / year not invited though)

I know there were plenty parties my dc didn't get invited to, even though I did all class parties throughout infant school, but it was my choice to do that (and I never missed out any kids). Nobody is owed an invitation, and it serves to help children realise as they get older that they will not be invited to everything and become more pragmatic about it.

It's not mean to have small parties, parents usually have the party within their budget and it would be stupid to run up huge bills just because you think every kid should be invited. Some parties that's feasible, with others it's not. It's fair enough. If you do decide to have a party for your son's birthday, either make it smaller with just a group of kids or do a whole class one if you have the cash, but don't have a whole class and exclude a few kids because they didn't invite your child. Now that would be a nasty and mean thing to do.

You'd hate our school. DD got invited to about 6 parties when there were only 5 or 6 kids there
About 10 where it was just girls, and 3 whole class parties.

And we were never invited to the rest... If they happened we had no idea.

We are in a cost of living crisis so I imagine any bday party will be expensive for parents. I imagine 10 kids is going to be costly

Speaking as the mum who has been on the receiving end of the party invite drama for 5yo kids…please don’t send the message 🫠😅 It’s ridiculous!

There could be a million reason for no invitation. You don’t even know how many have been invited for sure.

It’s on you to teach your child not to be bothered by these things. Did they not encounter this at nursery etc? Surely not everyone has been invited to every party! You teach them that not everyone can be invited to every party.

Some places just have a max party size, Wacky warehouse only had a 20 kid max and it was £10 a head and we had a 30 kid class, we could invite half the class, yet we'd been invited to some full class parties. But the big soft play places that catered for full classes near me were £25 a head. I just can't afford £750 for my then 5 year olds birthday without at least doing a joint one and even then it would be really pushing my finances. Luckily DS still got invited to parties from children he had not invited, I'm glad it wasn't held against me.

Also we sent out invites based on who DS played with at the time (according to DS) which was 3 months before the party, obvs his friendship groups changed so we probably did leave out friends he played with more closer to the date.

Please don't take it personally there's so many factors, everyone's just trying to do the best for their kid in their budget, maybe you can distract your little one with a day out. Xx

I cannot believe my eyes reading these comments.

Let's all let go of our pride for a moment. Thats right, set it down on the table there.

These children are 4-5 years old. Yeah? OK. The party is about them. I understand that parents may only be able to afford to cater to so many kids, etc etc but if you cannot afford to invite everyone, don't hold a party.

And yeah I know, "I can hold a birthday party for my child if I like thank you very much!" Thats fine, but invite people very privately and dont make it the talk of the school by shouting about it at school pick up/drop off. OP said invites were sent out to some people in a WhatsApp group. Just feels bitchy im ngl.

My son has attended several birthday parties now, where everybody was invited. Im not in a financial position to throw him a raging birthday party, so we go do something else fun instead. If i did throw him one, everyone would be included. No question.

This is not about any of you. Kids parties are not about you. Its not about inviting who you like and not inviting who you give dirty looks to at the school gate for no reason.

Everyone should be included. When theyre older, yeah, they get a friendship group and its normal not to invite the whole 1000 pupils per school to a birthday rager. These kids are 4 years old. They shouldn't be made to feel excluded and left out at that age, its just sad.

I know im going to get hate for this comment, I dont care. I stand on what I say, OP, you are not being unreasonable. Whether you should text her or not idk, I wouldnt wanna have to beg for my child to go to a party. If she wanted to be inclusive she would have been. Just sad some people dont consider how upset this will make other kids when they know it'll be talk of the class.

Leave hate comments here:

Are you bi-polar by any chance - all or nothing is a trait of this.

OP's son is old enough to learn that he's not the centre of everyone else's universe.

That's a very valuable lesson to learn at a young age preferably.

Some people never learn it...

P.s. People having a different perspective to you is not "hate".
Please reserve that word for the appropriate context.
It's in danger of being rendered void from misuse and overuse.

So if you are not rich enough to invite the lot, your kids can't have a party at all? And you worldshottestmom don't do parties for you dcs because of that? But you still expect that if there's a party happening, yours should be there?

It’s definitely not a thing to invite all children to a party where I am. Most children in the class don’t have birthday parties at all, or only do something very small with their families. The general rule is “age of the child plus one” so a five year old would invite six people, tops.

4-5 year olds are old enough to understand that they can't be invited to all parties. It is absolutely fine for them to feel upset and disappointed but as a parent, you help them manage it and then move on.

It is absolutely fine to have a birthday party and not invite everyone.

I can't afford parties for 22 children, so I tell my kids they can invite max 10 people, depending on what we are doing and hope 6-8 show up!

Our school is two form entry and most children have friends in both classes.

Should children therefore invite the 59 other children to their party, even if their party is at home? Would you have 60 children in your house then?

Or should families not have parties for their kids at all unless they live in mansions with 30 acre gardens?

Don't be ridiculous, he's not been excluded.
There's a big difference in not being invited and being excluded.
I have 3 kids, all of whom had close friendships at that age - and are mostly still good friends with the same kids. They're not too young to know who they like.
Whole class parties are not great. There's going to be some kids in class who they don't like/are mean to them... Why on earth should they be invited to their birthday party? Do you invite every person in your work, even someone who you can't stand? No.

One of the best lesson's I want my kids to absorb early is: you are not the centre of the universe, and in life you won't always be included in everything. Both those things are life lessons we all get hit with at some point, and 4 years old is a good time to start teaching kids that it's fine for people to do stuff without them, just as it's fine for them to do stuff without including everyone.