Excluded from bday party - aibu to text the parent?

[RealReginaPhalange]

Reception. Its Feb so kids know each other well enough. Bday party tomorrow, idk how many not invited and how many invited but my son has been excluded. They do play together at school but i dont know the mum. They had chats today about party tmrw, my DS feels he is invited and he is fully aware of the party. Apparently invitations went out by whatsapp directly. I am on whatsapp group so it is not an error. Fine not to invite everyone but in reception? They dont have own little circles of friends yet. Invite everyone or no one at that age. And then talks at school and some kids end up upset. I am so so angry now and will need to have a chat with ds. should i text the mom it is hurtful or should i leave it?

just to add. I dont really know parents there and not sure if she is well known, i am worried i will be a gossip no 1 afterward and it would lead to my ds being excluded more.

aibu - dont text
not aibu - text

But it’s not a big deal!

Your child will get upset and will be excluded through life. Your job as a parent isn’t to stop that or fix it, just to guide him through it.

Plan something else nice to do instead.

YABU and will come across as a nut job if you text

Don’t text. It will make you look like a difficult parent. I never did all class parties for either of mine. They are just too expensive. Just move on. Personally I was never a fan of taking mine to parties and sitting there for hours with other parents I didn’t know.

Calm down!

My son had a party, it was at a local climbing center where only 10 children were allowed per party... What do I do? Say no because some children will feel left out? Not a chance. He invited who he wanted.

Get a grip!

If they’ve only invited 1/5 of the class YABU your child is in the majority the kid probably picked 5-6 kids. It’s not like the whole class is going except your son. You don’t get to tell people if they can’t accommodate the whole class their kid can’t have a party fgs.

OP, I get it. I teach foundation stage and I'm often asked to give out party invites and it's awful when most of the class are invited and a few aren't. I have 2 kids of my own and I have always have whole class parties for this reason. Now they are older it's just a few friends and kids understand that. Of course you can't text the mum. People are free to make their own choices and sometimes cost is a factor (but in my opinion that's when you invite half the class or less, not leave 3 or 4 out). It's one of life's lessons and it does suck. You're not wrong to be annoyed by it but you would be wrong to leave the same kids out when it's your kid's birthday because it's not always the child's fault and not fair to punish them.

Don’t text. Just bear it in mind. Nice parents make nice dc at the end of the day. Stick to the decent people. If they are good friends and he feels excluded. No need to include them.

Buckle up - you're in for a bumpy ride if you think your kid should be invited to every party, because he won’t be, even if he gets on brilliantly with the kid in class it doesn’t mean he’ll get an invite to a party. Similarly, some kid will get upset he’s not invited to your DS’ party. It’s unlikely the whole class will have been invited - maybe 7-8 of them, but they’re probably talking about it non stop.

Please get a grip. Some people have an awful lot of time on their hands to get worked up about this sort of thing.

Please do not do this!!

I can see your point of view @RealReginaPhalange . I also think that inviting 80% of a class of 20 (i.e. excluding only about 4/5 kids) is incredibly rude. If the excluded children are bullies then it could be justified, but otherwise no. If they only were inviting half the class that might be different.

Also, I voted don't text but actually I would text if your son thinks he's been invited to the party. I'd say something along the lines of "Hi birthday boy's mum, I hope you are well. Tommy has come home today telling me that he is invited to Kenny's birthday tomorrow. I haven't seen an invitation so I assume he's just misunderstood something Kenny said. So that I can manage Tommy's expectations, can you just confirm for me please that you aren't expecting him tomorrow? Tommy's mum x"

Do not do this.

Give your head a wobble - you're over-reacting and need to rein it in for your child's sake.

Just tell him only a few of the class were invited and it's no big deal as this happens all the time. It's a learning for him that he's not the centre of everyone's world - just yours.

DO NOT do this. That would be so embarrassing and awkward.

I’m sorry OP you’re being absolutely ridiculous, you’re totally over-reacting about this. It’s perfectly normal to just invite a few kids out of the class, even in Reception. Your DS isn’t owed an invitation.

You have no idea of the birthday child’s circumstances - they may not have much money, or they may have lots of other out of school friends going.

Seriously, calm down.

They do. 3Dcs, we did 1 for DC1. 30+ kids plus parents and little siblings, magician, tea and party games in village hall. (Luckily DH is a teacher and good at crowd control.) The cost was ridiculous, we went way above our budget and never did it again.

Have you planned a party for a full reception class yet? It can be 30 kids plus parents and then some ask to bring siblings too… Where I live there are very limited options, which are expensive and booked far in advance. For my son’s 5th birthday I did a smaller party of 15 kids with an activity he loved, and we invited some kids from Reception and some other friends.

I’m sorry your son is disappointed but whilst whole class parties and invites are nice they are not the norm. It doesn’t sound like he was excluded in a malicious way (eg only one or two kids not invited).

Kill

Bday party tomorrow, idk how many not invited and how many invited.

No. You don't. So leave it alone. For your son's sake. These things happen. It's a gut punch. But he'll live.

No. Just invite the children your DC particularly wants and the number you can accommodate. Starting some kind of tit-for-tat strategy will not end well.

I don’t think I ever held a party for a whole class when my dc were small. We used to book softplay for 10 kids, because that’s all I could afford and dd could not handle a village hall full of 30 kids. Of course it meant some kids didn’t get invited but that’s life?

Just teach your DS that life isn’t always fair, sometimes we don’t get invited to things, it doesn’t mean he isn’t liked.

You've said you don't really know the mum that well and I think this may be the issue, an amazing number of mums prioritise their friends kids above their kids friends. I read your update and I do feel for you if there aren't currently close friendships as your DS falls in to the liked by everyone but not obviously close to any. I do think whilst common, most people are happy to just ask their kids who they'd like.

When my DS was at primary, there was one kid that he always talked about being close friends with and it would be really awkward because a couple of years another mum asked if my DS was going to this boys party and he hadn't had an invite (though thankfully it wasn't widely discussed). His mum just didn't really know me, had a tight knit group. Incidentally I did invite her DS because I go off my kids lists (would recommend doing this where possible) and she'd never RSPV 🤷🏻‍♀️

YABU. Nobody here can afford class parties, most from Reception invite 4-8 close friends to their home, or 10-12 to a soft play. The child chooses who they would like to invite, it’s their party. You can’t dictate the guest list or budget of anyone else. You can decide to invite everyone or no-one yourself, and may get some reciprocal invites guaranteed if you invite everyone.

Do not contact the mother, it won’t end well, and may mean your child is off the guest list of others as well if you are perceived as unreasonable. If my child was uninvited and upset, I would not contact the parent but I would reassure my child that they were also free not to pick the child in question when it’s their turn to choose their party guest list.

When I was a child I was quite shy and would not have liked a massive party. Maybe the party child is also shy and didn't want a massive party.