Excluded from bday party - aibu to text the parent?

[RealReginaPhalange]

Reception. Its Feb so kids know each other well enough. Bday party tomorrow, idk how many not invited and how many invited but my son has been excluded. They do play together at school but i dont know the mum. They had chats today about party tmrw, my DS feels he is invited and he is fully aware of the party. Apparently invitations went out by whatsapp directly. I am on whatsapp group so it is not an error. Fine not to invite everyone but in reception? They dont have own little circles of friends yet. Invite everyone or no one at that age. And then talks at school and some kids end up upset. I am so so angry now and will need to have a chat with ds. should i text the mom it is hurtful or should i leave it?

just to add. I dont really know parents there and not sure if she is well known, i am worried i will be a gossip no 1 afterward and it would lead to my ds being excluded more.

aibu - dont text
not aibu - text

Christ, chill out, calm down and enjoy the easy years! Come year 2 onwards there will be friendship dramas galore for you to froth at the mouth over.

Lower your expectations and prepare your child for disappointment / real life.

I dont think you have any right to shame anyone ,I understand it's hurtful and disappointing for your little one but it's just one of them things .
Mine have been both invited and excluded,it's swings and roundabouts but I certainly dont feel any animosity towards anyone ,,parties are expensive and sometimes only a select amount.can be invited .

I would say something diplomatically, just in case there’s been a miscommunication. e.g.
’This is a bit awkward, sorry, but X is convinced he is invited to the party tomorrow - I didn’t think he was as I didn’t see an invitation. It’s totally fine either way, but I wanted to check as X is so sure that Y asked him’’

In my child's first week of year one the teacher handed out the invitations to someone's party at the door, as the children were being picked up, and only about half the class were invited. It was so awkward and upsetting for my child who is ND and thought she was getting an invite too. She had a huge meltdown right there and then about it.

Second this

Gosh my thread is trending.

i dont really have anything else to add but appreciate the votes

Why do people keep suggesting this it’s a terrible idea!! What do you expect her to say?? “Sorry, no, not invited. Have a nice weekend 😁”

My kids have had wonderful parties, lots of fun, and done at home with about 10 kids.

On what planet is that unreasonable?
On what planet should my kid have NOT had a party because I can't host 30 kids?
On what planet is it OK to say rich parents can have parties, but parents operating in a budget can't (because that is actually what you are saying)
On what planet do you get to dictate what type of party my kid has anyway, they don't wnatto hire a hall, or soft play, they wanted a treasure hunt in their own garden, which will not accommodate 30 kids, but they are not 'allowed' to because???

The invitations weren't sent out on the group whatsapp, they were sent out via whatsapp. So privately, hence OP didn't know about it until her child started talking about it.

Kids talk about stuff all the time.
Are you going to NOT go on holiday because your kid will talk to mine about going to Spain, and mine isn't?
Are families not goig to celebrate Christmas because one person in the class doesn't, so talking about the present they receive is not fair?

As many PP have said, Op, absolutely do not text.
You can’t use the ‘wasn’t sure if he’s been invited’ thing as I’m sure she’d have messaged to chase up a missing reply (plus didn’t you say it was via WhatsApp anyway?)

Unless I’ve missed something, you also don’t know how many are invited? , if that’s the case it could be 5 kids, could be 35. Sometimes you can’t invite everyone to every party. It happens, and no parent likes to think their child hasn’t been invited, but it’s often not personal and down to cost, numbers or location. But whatever the reason, it is totally unreasonable and awkward to send a text asking why.
If your child is upset, do something fun with them instead,

So well said.

and I "cannot believe my eyes" reading your comment @worldshottestmom

Ridiculous to suggest that children are not allowed to have birthday parties because they don't fit your ridiculous demands

Very well said @steppemum

If i was asked why was my child not invited they would be told because they were not invited

So parents have to invite everyone and include siblings and now have to be questioned by parents?

The world is getting stranger

Expecting an invite to every party is unhinged. If you had evidence that every child in the class was invited except your son, you'd be entitled to feel annoyed and upset on his behalf. However, if several have not been invited (which seems to be the case here), that will be because the family either can't afford to invite everyone or because their child doesn't want to invite the whole class or would be overwhelmed by it. That is their prerogative.

This is a life lesson and a situation your child will need to get use to. It's your job to help him understand that he won't be invited to every party, and that's ok.

You note that you do not know this child's mother well. It's highly likely they've just invited children of parents she's friendly with, which is not uncommon at this age. The kids can play together while the grown ups chat and catch up. It's more awkward when there are mums you don't know.

I'm sure there's absolutely no malice intended by your child not being invited. I disagree that children in Reception don't really have set friendship though. Some are happy to play with anyone, but other children that age will stick to playing with a select group of children. It's highly likely the other child has lots of friends so, although they do play with your son, they perhaps don't consider him to be one of their best friends.

That is bonkers. My kids would never have had a party if the law dictated we had to invite everybody. And who wants their kid to get 30 invites across the year ?

It takes time for kids to find their little group at school, halfway through reception year is absolutely nothing in the context of it being a seven year slog 😉

Be completely breezy with your son ("Alex couldn't invite you to his party this time, sweetheart, people can't always invite everyone. Shall we do this puzzle?"), don't under any circumstances deliberately not invited the kids who didn't invite yours (their friendships will solidify around Year 1, then change again!), and settle in for the long term.

Remember that this isn't personal. It's not a reflection on your son, or on you. Don't blow it up into something it isn't.

If this isn't the norm in your country it makes total sense to have a reaction to it.

This is very normal here though so it will roll off the kids backs to hear of parties they aren't invited to very quickly. Obviously full class parties that exclude one or two are an exception to that. My kids received about 5-6 invations per school year up to year 3, then it dropped maybe to 1-3 (so best friends only). There were a few upset moments over a talked about party but it didn't last.

Seeing as your son thinks he is invited, it makes sense to text the mother and ask for clarification.
Just make sure you are clear that you are not angling for an invitation.

Hah, wait till your child is about 10 and isn’t invited to the classmates’ party their friends are all invited to. It happens, even for popular kids. Learn to deal with it as a parent. And your child is in reception so just tell him you’ve something else on and can’t make it, he’ll be none the wiser.

I think you want to teach him that something like this genuinely isn't a big deal. My DD is 4 and I say no to some of the party invites, and some parties she's not invited to, and we chat about how children might have attended a party and she didn't - but that she gets to do other things and you can't do everything in life!

I suspected you werent British tbh. There's a huge difference between excluding 1 or 2 to excluding half the class. When my dds were younger it was either all class or just the boys/girls.

There were 9 girls in my daughter's year in primary school. She was the only girl not invited to a certain girl's party two years in a row. All the other girls were excited and talking about the party at school. Really difficult for my daughter. I didn't text the mum or do anything. I did feel very confused how a mother could ok it though.

I took my daughter out for a special activity on that day, so she had fun. She ended up wanting to change schools in year 4 and I was relieved.

All this. Way more drama and stress to come. You cannot control other people like this. Relax.

You've got to remember that in Reception they've only been there a few months, and parents might be struggling to get a list of names out of their child (speaking from personal experience). Also, many children round my way go to nursery first and it's quite common for Reception parties to have a mix of old nursery friends, new Reception friends plus other family or friends. With that in mind it's challenging to invite all school friends. As time goes on I find the kids want to invite only their school friends.

Just stay cool OP. It's not a personal slight against you or your child. This is a great learning opportunity for your child too and dealing with it in a graceful way is the best approach.

Absolutely send a message if you want to be known as that parent for the rest of your son’s time in school. You can’t demand an invite for
your child just because he’s upset that he didn’t get invited unfortunately that’s life not everyone gets invited to every party they could be limited on numbers and or space or they just can’t afford a whole class party but still want to do something special for their child it’s allowed. I’m sorry that your DS is upset but that’s just the way things go sometimes.

Don't Text!!! You can't expect everyone to invite the whole class! Not everyone can afford it. It may not be personal at all. Don't sweat it!