Excluded from bday party - aibu to text the parent?

[RealReginaPhalange]

Reception. Its Feb so kids know each other well enough. Bday party tomorrow, idk how many not invited and how many invited but my son has been excluded. They do play together at school but i dont know the mum. They had chats today about party tmrw, my DS feels he is invited and he is fully aware of the party. Apparently invitations went out by whatsapp directly. I am on whatsapp group so it is not an error. Fine not to invite everyone but in reception? They dont have own little circles of friends yet. Invite everyone or no one at that age. And then talks at school and some kids end up upset. I am so so angry now and will need to have a chat with ds. should i text the mom it is hurtful or should i leave it?

just to add. I dont really know parents there and not sure if she is well known, i am worried i will be a gossip no 1 afterward and it would lead to my ds being excluded more.

aibu - dont text
not aibu - text

Honestly. I agree. Either VERY small party (5 other kids from school) or a class party at Reception age. That's how most people/ schools seem to do it where I live.

But unfortunately, the sort of people who do not get this are inclined to be quite gossipy. So it is best not to get involved in their drama.

I’d be bloody grateful I don’t have to spend two hours in the wacky warehouse and spend money on a gift the kid will probably play with once then it end up at the charity shop.

No way!!
Just don’t do this!
you’ll be the laughing stock of the school 🤣🤣

It’s standard to invite fewer than half or the whole class.

My DD is in reception and it’s her birthday next month. She’s having a soft play party and I’ve had to limit her numbers to 10 from school so there’s room for her sibling/cousins/family friends too. I simply cannot afford a whole class party but she is desperate for a birthday party. It’s nothing personal against those who don’t make the cut, I’ve had to ask her to be selective.

‘Invite everyone or not at all’ is ridiculous.

The only way to ask in a round-about fashion is:

You: DS has said he has invited to Molly's birthday, but I think there's been a misunderstanding. Could you confirm please?

Reply: Sorry, your DS hasn't been invited.

You say: Thank you for clarifying. 🙂

Then you move on and forget it.

Personally, I don't understand the concept of inviting an entire class to a birthday party. I didn't invite my entire class to birthday parties, when I was a child. If my Mum said I could only invite 7 friends (including myself, then 8 in total), then I picked 7 friends. I didn't cry because someone didn't invite me to their party. This is part of the problem... it's expected and seen as 'unreasonable' or 'mean' if children can't or don't want to invite an entire class.

No one 'has' to invite an entire class. No one should expect an invitation. If a parent/child only invites a certain number out of a class, that's perfectly fine. It's a lesson we have to learn, that we can't and won't always be included in everything. No, it's not easy for children to learn, but it's one they have to learn.

You don't have to invite an entire class to your son's party, if you don't want too. That's your choice. You shouldn't feel obliged to do anything.

Tell him you’ve already got plans that day and take him somewhere amazing

I don’t understand your attitude at all. I agree it would be unkind to invite 20 children out of 22, but why can’t they just invite say 12 or even 6 children? Why on earth do you think they should invite the whole class? If every child did that it could mean 22 parties every year, or 30 in bigger classes!

If you text the mum you will be making yourself look ridiculous.

I voted YABU, but having read your update,.are you saying that only one fifth of the class have not been invited? In that case I think that actually YANBU, that is poor form. A simple rule if thumb is

All the class

Or

All the boys/girls

Or

Less than half the class

It's a little trickier if you have the situation where you'd like to invite everyone but there is a single child you'd like to exclude because they are objectively unkind to your child. In those circumstances I'd still probably stick to the above and invite a much smaller group, because ultimately they are still little kids and singling out a single child would be quite a cruel thing to do.

JFC

Agreed. I never did whole class. 10-15 kids was totally common at that age.

I have a reception aged child, he's our 3rd child so I am very familiar with the party circuit. You may not realise it but unfortunately not everyone is in the position to invite 30 children. Where we live partys at inflatable parks, playcentres etc come in at £20+ per head, some are closer to £30. £25×30=£750, plus a cake, plus party bags we are north of £800 for a crappy 2 hour party, if you have 2 or 3 children multiply again. If it's a choice between having no party or picking 10 friends, the parents are going to pick 10. You clearly don't realise that not everyone's circumstances are the same.

Don't make an idiot of yourself texting, there will be many partys over the next 7 years your child isn't invited to. I guarantee in about 18 months time when you have been to the 20th party at the same play centre you will breathe a sigh of relief and think thank fuck I don't have to buy a present and spend most of my saturday trying not to catch the plague at some play centre.

I wouldn't even mention it. I imagine you're more worked up than your child.

Oh my god don't do that. It's so cheeky. Not a big deal, do something nice with your kid tomorrow and move on.

I completely disagree with having to invite everyone to parties. My DS is in reception class, he desperately wanted his party at a local soft play. I explained to him that if he wanted it at the soft play he could only invite about 12 of his friends from
school and not everyone in his class OR he could have it in the village hall like some other parties he’d been too and he could invite everyone from his class …. He wanted the soft play option so that’s what we did. Should I have told him tough you can’t have the party you want because little Tommy will be upset that he’s not invited? 🙄 There’s been multiple parties that my son has also not been invited too and that’s fine, people can only afford to invite a certain number of people and I’ve explained that to him and that he won’t be invited to every party.

@worldshottestmom this is ridiculous. I’ve been on the receiving end of the party drama for hosting a party for my child in nursery and the behaviour was unhinged 🫠🫠

I was threatened with physical violence and warned that people were going to come and trash the party because my child only invited 20 from his nursery class - out of 57 children. The issue was posted on local community social media pages 🫠🫠

One of the mothers still seems to have a major issue with me and I was again contacted 6months later because her child overheard my child telling his friends and keyworker at group time that he was going on a special holiday. Her child wants to go to that place and she can’t afford it so I should be teaching my child to keep these things secret so as not to upset other kids. She told her child that my (then 4yo) child is a “nasty little boy for leaving people out” and that “he’ll be a school bully and his mummy probably was too” 😳🫠

Parents should be using these things as teaching moments. The first time my child noticed invitations being handed out and him not getting one I gave a very breezy “not everyone can be invited to everything, and that’s ok. Sons parties you’ll be invited to and some you won’t - just like we won’t be able to invite everyone to yours”. When he comes home telling me that X is going on holiday/got a new toy/got a pet etc etc etc I’ll comment “oh that’s lovely for them!” or similar and move on.

I also teach him that every family is different.

Exactly this. Isn’t what you describe basic parenting?! Instead of demanding everyone around either includes your child or cancels their party plans, teach your child that parties can have limited numbers and it’s NO BIG DEAL. Children pick up on the parents’ feelings about such things and so as a parent you can choose to be angry and insulted, and pass that on to your child, or breezy and unaffected, and pass that on to them.

Oh my gosh! £750?! I had a mouth full of tea nearly go everywhere then 😆 That’s so expensive.
we've done hosting here for last few years and 8 friends. Decorate a pizza, decorate a cake, candles and ‘lock’ then away fir karaoke. That’s a 9th 10th and soon 11th birthday. Works like a charm and kids seem to enjoy it. Couldn’t do more than 8 though

Make plans to take your son out and if he asks about the party just save couldn’t go as we had plans so he doesn’t feel left out.

I liked it when I was a kid in the 1980’s. You had about ten friends round. You played pass the parcel, musical chairs, pin the tail on the donkey, had sandwiches, cheese and pineapple on sticks, crisps, party rings and orange juice. You then got jelly and ice cream. Everyone sang happy birthday as a homemade cake was brought out. Bit of dancing to agadoo and the Hokey Cokey. Then go home with a slice of cake wrapped in a napkin and a balloon. We had one posh kid who invited the whole class to Wimpy once. All I remember is Mr Wimpy fell over.

@RealReginaPhalangea February birthday is hard because outside isn’t an option your house is small to have the whole class, going out is expensive. The price difference of 6 kids vs 30 is massive. It is a bit unfair of you to push that on someone you don’t even know and who doesn’t know you.

although you don’t know the mum or the child you say she/ the child doesn’t know kids well yet…. But it is Feb and they have been at school 6 months, they can and do have friends at this age. Also maybe they went to monti together or have older siblings. The more kids you have the more connections you have at the school.

all that said it is upsetting when this happens, make sure you frame it in the best way possible. Eg i have 3 sisters and I love them all equally but sometimes I invite 1 or 2 of them for dinner because there are times I don’t want to cook for 12 people, it doesn’t mean I love them any less… I will catch them next time.

The horrible thing he is the number of people who seem to truly believe that children from rich families deserve parties, while poor children don't. You have to be a special kind of horrible to believe that!

What?? You think it’s a good idea to force them to have your child at a party to which he wasn’t invited? Awful!

Jesus some of you are unbelievable, honestly. As much as i appreciate your time to comment here, calling me unhinged etc for “demanding an invitation” or being “party police” because i want to dictate other parents how to throw a party. I get it might be because of your own experience or whatever but chill out. Not once i said he should be invited and this is what i want to achieve. I said everyone should in MY opinion. I look at it differently and i can look at it in any way i want to, but i do understand people have different views and will do what suits them, fine. I would do what i think is right - i.e. at that age invite all or none. He didnt have a party few months ago bc i was on maternity and it is expensive and i didnt want to be in that exact same position.

inviting half of the class or less than half seems fine. From talking to other parents and my boy it looks like only few have been not invited. Which i think its shitty. If 5 out of 21 is not invited do you people really think this is ok?

i got the point, didnt text, my boy is fine today, no harm done.