When did you let your teens spend the night with the girlfriend/boyfriend?

[BerryTwister]

DS is going to be 17 in April. He’s been with his first ever girlfriend for about 2 months. They usually spend 2 afternoons/evenings together, in their bedrooms, I think just cuddling. She’s a sweet girl and they seem very happy. She’s about 6 months older than DS.

However, DS is a very “stressy” kid, lots of OCD traits, often anxious, takes life very seriously, just a very emotional person. And his girlfriend is also very anxious, lots of emotion, gets very worried about all sorts of things. They already had a couple of arguments when she got drunk at parties over Christmas and accused him of not paying her enough attention, or paying her too much attention - basically drunk teen stuff.

Anyway, they want to spend the night together, at her house. Her parents are fine with this apparently. The clear implication is that they’ll be having sex. Of course I can’t control what they do when they’re together during the day, but giving permission for a full overnight just feels too much too soon, given the degree of teen angst that’s been going on. I’m worried that DS doesn’t have the emotional maturity to deal with the fallout of taking the relationship to the sleepover stage.

But apparently I’m mean and horrible, and everyone else’s parents allow their kids to sleep with the partners at this stage. I’ve said he should wait till he’s 17 before they stay overnight, when they’ll have been together longer.

AIBU to have this rule? Should I be more permissive?

After they'd been away at University for me.

But I think it is more to do with length of relationship and maturity of both of them as individuals.

17 is fine in my book. They will have sex when they want to and a bedroom is not needed. I think I prefer to look ahead and think about how I want them to be able to manage their own relationships, home works, study/work etc. it’s a short time to uni and I think they are better having freedom before the get it all in one go. I would be more worried about their emotional maturity, ability to be kind and to be able to take care of each other and them selves.

Why 17? The legal age is 16. They will just do it anyway if they haven’t already. YABU to try and control his actions and emotions at this age, these are his choices to make and mistakes to deal with.

My own DC are still young, but when I was 15 I had a lovely boyfriend a year older, my parents and his parents were fine with me sleeping over his from when I turned 16. I think they were all very much of the opinion that we’d do it regardless of whether i was staying over or not 🤣 and we were obviously both legal age (UK) x

My son had his first girlfriend at 15. I’m sure they had sex before, but I knew her mother and we agreed that they couldn’t share a room til 16. They went away for a trip abroad at 15 with her father and they stayed in separate rooms.
Once they were 16 they could share a room. We talked about birth control and consent etc. They broke up after dating for a couple years.

I don't know what difference 17 is meant to make compared to 16? Honestly I'd just say 6th form. People feel different things about this though. I wasn't allowed to share a room with DH until when we visited each other's parents until we got engaged age 22 which was slightly ridiculous given we were living together in our own house at uni!

You’re absolutely right to say no. Especially only two months into the relationship.
Sleeping over at that age is too intense and the relationship needs to be kept as light as possible (I fully understand the intensity of teen relationships, my son is 6 months in with his first gf).
It would be a no from me until they’re 18, have finished school and are in a long-term relationship. You’re not an awful parent and all the other parents don’t allow it!

I’d be fine over 16 if in a relationship…. I’d not be keen on lots of casual sleepovers with different people.

DH feels very differently though so we’ll be needing to come to some kind of agreement when DC are that age.

I had my bf sleeping over from 17.

Honestly yes I think you're being too protective. At 17 he needs to learn by experience and living, how do you think he will develop emotional maturity otherwise? It won't magically come just by waiting for the months and years to go by, you need life experience and he's old enough.

At 17 I don’t think there’s much you can do about it. I wouldn’t have it in my own home but you can’t control what the gf’s mum and dad allow. You could try and speak to the parents and explain your concerns and see if they would take it off the table but you prob won’t have any joy.

Hhm. 2 months in and they're already arguing. I would be wary of setting a precedent. She sleeps over after two months, they break up, he gets a new gf, do you want a procession of girls sleeping over and is this how you should be helping da navigate healthy relationships? But then I'm old, I wasn't allowed ex to sleep over until we I was coking back from Uni holidays and even then his mom and my dad talked about it 😂 twas this century I swear

Why does the relationship ‘have to be kept as light as possible’?

Given that both of them are very emotional, your DS has OCD and is very stressy, this could go wrong very quickly and easily.

I read a thread earlier where the OPs 14 year old daughter became pregnant by her 15 year old boyfriend. They very quickly broke up, the girl was left contemplating single motherhood or an abortion.
So you and the gf's parents need to speak to your child about the importance of contraception every time!

DS is 16. The main reason I’ve suggested 17 as an acceptable age is because it happens to just be a couple of months away. By then they’ll have been together for 4 months, and the relationship will be a bit more solid. It’s a compromise of sorts.

But my main concern is his immaturity and his general ability to manage situations. He’s never been good at sleepovers with friends, and almost always called me in the middle of the night to collect him, because the room was too hot, too cold, too loud, too quiet. And he’s a typical teen boy in other ways - gets immersed in sport or Xbox, and I don’t feel he’s ready for the level of emotional commitment that a sleepover relationship brings. It’s hard to explain.

I would find it very difficult indeed to give my permission in this situation knowing full well that they’ll be having sex.

You’re right to make him wait, they’ve literally been together 8 weeks, who knows if it’ll last another 8. If it does maybe they’re serious. If it doesn’t then ‘thank god’ you made him wait - he’ll thank you in the long run!

I 'allowed' it when both parties were 16. Not sure what difference my approval made to anyone though but at least they knew my opinion.

They’ll have sex if they want to, but they’ll have a lot more sex if they can do so easily.

my DC’s have just turned 17 and while I’ve encouraged them to consider contraception and other issues around safe sex, I made it clear I think they’re better off waiting til they’re out of school and I put their boyfriends in separate rooms if they’re staying over. I assume, if they haven’t already, that they will have sex at some point and probably before they leave school.

But it’s not about trying to preserve some sort of innocence, it’s about lowering risk. The chances of pregnancy and other negative outcomes increase with frequency so I give out “you probably shouldn’t be doing that“ signals as much as I can without giving out “sex is bad” signals (I hope).

My DD was 17 when I first let her sleepover, she’d been with him for nearly a year at that point and she’d recently had the implant fitted. They’ve been together 4 years now, so very much an established couple away at uni together. I wouldn’t have let her if she’d been less serious. They’re def going to do it anyway, I figured letting her sleepover would let the relationship move to the next stage snd be more affectionate. He definitely respects her snd has deep feelings for her. It’s lovely to see.

I am of a different generation but I hardly knew anybody who could stay over at their boyfriend / girlfriend as a teen. My brother used to stay at his girlfriend’s parents when he was 17 and our whole family thought it was weird.

(My mother’s rule was no unmarried couples can share a room in her house that is irrespective of age….)

They will have sex, it’s inevitable. My daughter left home at 21 and was never allowed to let her boyfriend sleep over, due to my husband being very old school. I didn’t want it either to be honest. We’re 58 and 62, a generation thing I believe. Our parents wouldn’t allow it and we’d find it uncomfortable, 🤷‍♀️

Overnights can start in student halls at university. I want my teen to be responsible for managing her own life a bit and to have to manage some real independence in order to have sleepovers. It’s about having maturity and dealing with the reality of life as opposed to just playing house.

i fully recognize this doesn’t stop sex and do not care. I’m just not going to encourage emotional intimacy in teenagers who don’t have any adult stressors like remembering to pay the rent or fill a prescription.

I never did..

I think you're being very unreasonable to let them "cuddle" (yeah, right...) in the bedroom.

We're all still talking and very fond of each other, and it's been five years since the youngest was a teenager.

When it was legal. I’d have preferred it to be happening under my own roof but DH not keen. Met the mum first. They were at school together. He’s a lovely young man. DD has knocked the edges off.

I think you’re being a bit naive if you think postponing the sleepover will stop them having sex but if it’s genuinely about the being away from home that’s slightly different. He’s almost 17 though, you can’t protect him at home forever. Would you ever consider letting his gf stay at yours?

I think 17 is fine and especially if her parents are ok with it.

Better that they feel able to have a relationship that is accepted within and as part of a family set up.

What matters is mutual respect, mutual consent, contraception, contraception, contraception. Which you will no doubt have talked about?

Sneaking about is more likely to lead to not having condoms to hand.