When did you let your teens spend the night with the girlfriend/boyfriend?

[BerryTwister]

DS is going to be 17 in April. He’s been with his first ever girlfriend for about 2 months. They usually spend 2 afternoons/evenings together, in their bedrooms, I think just cuddling. She’s a sweet girl and they seem very happy. She’s about 6 months older than DS.

However, DS is a very “stressy” kid, lots of OCD traits, often anxious, takes life very seriously, just a very emotional person. And his girlfriend is also very anxious, lots of emotion, gets very worried about all sorts of things. They already had a couple of arguments when she got drunk at parties over Christmas and accused him of not paying her enough attention, or paying her too much attention - basically drunk teen stuff.

Anyway, they want to spend the night together, at her house. Her parents are fine with this apparently. The clear implication is that they’ll be having sex. Of course I can’t control what they do when they’re together during the day, but giving permission for a full overnight just feels too much too soon, given the degree of teen angst that’s been going on. I’m worried that DS doesn’t have the emotional maturity to deal with the fallout of taking the relationship to the sleepover stage.

But apparently I’m mean and horrible, and everyone else’s parents allow their kids to sleep with the partners at this stage. I’ve said he should wait till he’s 17 before they stay overnight, when they’ll have been together longer.

AIBU to have this rule? Should I be more permissive?

It somehow feels like a bigger step to say yes to overnights. Yes I know they can have sex during the day when they’re in the bedroom, but agreeing to overnights seems different. I feel the same whether it’s him staying at hers, or vice versa.

Having known my son all his life, and known his girlfriend for a couple of months, I don’t feel either of them are mentally strong enough to deal with the potential emotional fallout from a sexual relationship. And whilst I can’t police what they do in the bedrooms, I don’t feel comfortable “authorising” it, as it were!

Exactly this. Those of us saying don’t allow it aren’t thinking it will stop them having sex, but it will definitely lessen the opportunities and frequency.

It will also mean they’re not playing at deeply intimate adult relationships they’re not ready for at such a young age - spending all night in the same bed (sex aside) is very different than grabbing half an hour at home to do it while no one else is in.

Because at 16/17 they’re not emotionally ready for deeply intimate adult relationship. They’ll probably still have sex, but sleeping over is another level.

Never when teens. My house, my rules. I don’t get ‘they’re going to do it anyway’. I wasn’t going to make it easier for them. They both went away to Uni at 18 so they were doing what they liked then, just not at home.

2 months is too short of a relationship for sex, regardless of age.

I'm not sure how you are best to navigate this.

Had you spoken to him about timelines about dating beforehand during his teen years? What expectations had you set?

I just think 2 months is incredibly short.

No, I hadn’t had any conversations with him, because this literally came out of nowhere. Back in November he only cared about football, darts, clothes and Xbox! He’s also become religious in the last couple of years, praying every night, and proclaiming that he wouldn’t have sex before marriage! All of this just demonstrates to me that he’s quite immature in many ways.

I have an older son who is 20, and away at uni. As a teen he never really had a girlfriend - just kissed girls at parties, that sort of thing. He’s got a girlfriend now, near home, and they stay over at each others houses when he’s home. DS2 thinks this is very unfair, and doesn’t think the fact that DS1 is 20 makes a difference!

16 is fine. They’re old enough to decide and I’m not sure when stopping a teen from havibg over night stays ever stopped them from having sex. By stopping the overnights though you may stop him from confiding in you so much in the future.

@JustGiveMeReason you know not everyone wants to go to uni right ?

We don’t feel comfortable with them “playing house” so officially don’t allow it. He occasionally stays in the spare room since they were 16. Been together 18
months he’s a lovely lad and zero drama in the relationship

Knowingly let them in my house 16 although at least with DS1 I'm 99% sure that wasn't the first time or first girl. He has settled down a lot since then thank God.

Buy him some condoms. Talk about consent and then talk about consent again. They'll be having sex, you may as well just try to ensure it's safe and consensual.

Banning it will just cause him to not talk to you about this sort of stuff. Best to keep communication open so he can turn to you if needs be

I have a different perspective on this. I had a steady boyfriend who I was with from 15-17, we had to sleep in separate rooms when we stayed at each other's houses. (We still had sex but it was in the day when his parents were out). At 17 I got a new boyfriend and his mum allowed us to stay in his bedroom - I hated it. I hated his expectation that we'd have sex every time, I hated his parents knowing we were having sex - I felt pressured and embarrassed. It didn't last long.

You can’t make them wait . If they want to have sex they will, somewhere, anywhere: doorways, park benches, in cars, at friend’s homes. What you can do is talk to him about the importance of contraception with every partner he has. He should always use a condom, even if a partner says she is on the pill. One friend said to me ‘she has stolen my baby’. I explained to DS that getting pregnant would affect the girl more than him - in that he could still go off to university - but stressed how would he feel if a baby of his was aborted? Or if she had the baby but didn’t want him involved?

18 and im glad. My eldest daughter started her first relationship at 18 and they are still together at 22. I always said no serious relationships before 16 after exams and no sleepovers until 18. I also would not have allowed a sleepover at 18 had this boy not been a good person. Some of this dialogue wasnt communicated at the time obviously!

I think the 2 months together and stressing is more significant than their ages here tbh. I would be concerned about comments like ‘not paying me enough/too much attention’ - have you spoken about controlling relationships? Not saying that is what is going on but it does sound very intense and I agree that overnights can add to that.

This is something I dont think parents always understand. Rules and boundaries protect teens from all kinds of things, its not about 'they will just do it anyway' in my opinion, its about setting a boundary regardless.

It’s not so much about preventing them having sex full stop. I know that’s not possible, they have plenty of opportunity when I’m at work. I know what teens are like, I understand that. But something about allowing them to sleep overnight together, like an adult couple, feels fundamentally different. I find it hard to describe, which is one of the reasons DS is angry with me and thinks I’m being unfair. As a previous poster said, it’s sets up an expectation between them, a set of unwritten rules, which one or both of them may become uncomfortable with. And I don’t think they have the maturity or emotional intelligence to navigate it.

Agree. My DD first had a BF to stay over at 17, we’d had several talks about contraception/consent already. They do have to make their own decisions and mistakes, although it’s SO bloody hard to take a step back and watch.
She is nearly 19 now and her BF stays over most weekends. I’m well aware they’d just sit out in their cars or elsewhere if he couldn’t stay here. We’ve had some ups and downs over the last couple of years, but looking back I’m glad I loosened the reins as she’s learnt a lot about herself, others and life in general. I don’t think I’d have done her any favours long term by controlling every situation. She’s surprised me at how well she has coped with a few situations, hopefully your son will be the same

So many people conflating no overnights with no sex.
You can still talk about contraception, accept that they’ll probably be doing it anyway and still say no to sleeping over together.

Exactly. It’s very intense and angsty. And I worry about how much more intense and angsty it could be if they spend nights together.

If you're not OK with it then say no. It doesn't matter what any of the 'cool' parents here think.
Not that you need to justify your decision here, but you're concerned with protecting your son, which is completely reasonable.

DD was in year 12 and for a couple of months I did make his stay in the spare room but that started to seem a bit pointless. I took her to the old fashioned family planning clinic, where she spent an hour with a nurse who made sure she wasn't being coerced and gave her belt and braces about contraception. He is a such a lovely young man and it's been 18 months so far, they seem to have such a tender friendship. She's autistic and quite high maintenance emotionally - he seems to be really supportive but knows when to hold his line appropriately. It's been a very happy time for her. And for him too, I hope!

I am having a similar dilemma, my dd is 17 next month and I have said she can have her bf to stay in her room then. But it was more because, by then, they would have been together 4 months (only official bf/gf 2 months). He does sleep over now but sleeps in the spare room. I have two older boys and we learnt from the first who had his gf to sleep in his room at 16 after not being together very long, they swiftly broke up and that led to a string of gfs sleeping over who never lasted very long. So with my next DS (a few years younger) we said once he was in a more serious relationship and his gf slept over on what happened to be his 17th bday as by then they had been ‘talking’ then official a fair few months, they actually ended up being together for 2 years so in hindsight I could of let them stay in the same room earlier as he didn’t recreate our older sons dating history.

so I agree with OP it’s not necessarily about age it’s about seeing if the relationship is going to last a bit longer before allowing it so you are not setting a precedent. Obviously once they are off in Uni halls they can jump in and out of bed with whomever they choose at a rate they want to as they are actually adults then. But it is our house at the end of the day and I’ve lost count of the amount of girls my elderst has had stay or practically live here at various points. He’s now finally moved into his own place 🤪

we are all just bumbling along hoping we aren’t messing things up, so i don’t think there is a right or wrong answer

Berry that’s exactly how we feel. We like the boyfriend he’s devoted they are having sex use contraception they have free reign in her room. But not over nights. It’s too intense.

They’ll have sex when they want to. It’ll either be in bedrooms, or our in parks, friends houses, cars etc. honestly, it natural.

And he’ll have his heart broken and break hearts along the way too - that’s normal.

It sounds like a good time for you to start talking to him about safe sex and making sure he has access to condoms.