When did you let your teens spend the night with the girlfriend/boyfriend?

[BerryTwister]

DS is going to be 17 in April. He’s been with his first ever girlfriend for about 2 months. They usually spend 2 afternoons/evenings together, in their bedrooms, I think just cuddling. She’s a sweet girl and they seem very happy. She’s about 6 months older than DS.

However, DS is a very “stressy” kid, lots of OCD traits, often anxious, takes life very seriously, just a very emotional person. And his girlfriend is also very anxious, lots of emotion, gets very worried about all sorts of things. They already had a couple of arguments when she got drunk at parties over Christmas and accused him of not paying her enough attention, or paying her too much attention - basically drunk teen stuff.

Anyway, they want to spend the night together, at her house. Her parents are fine with this apparently. The clear implication is that they’ll be having sex. Of course I can’t control what they do when they’re together during the day, but giving permission for a full overnight just feels too much too soon, given the degree of teen angst that’s been going on. I’m worried that DS doesn’t have the emotional maturity to deal with the fallout of taking the relationship to the sleepover stage.

But apparently I’m mean and horrible, and everyone else’s parents allow their kids to sleep with the partners at this stage. I’ve said he should wait till he’s 17 before they stay overnight, when they’ll have been together longer.

AIBU to have this rule? Should I be more permissive?

He is never going to learn to navigate the emotional side of relationships well if you are determining when he’s ready for any particular stage for him. And having furtive sex in his bedroom while you’re doing the dinner isn’t going to help either.

You need to talk to him about healthy romantic and sexual relationships. Contraception, yes, but also making sure he really understands consent, that it can be withdrawn any time, that it can be for one act but not another. That the porn he sees is not real life. And that either of them can end the relationship whenever they want to, for whatever reason, and the other has to accept that.

Is it just me that chuckled at the 'just cuddling' comments! ...the amount of cuddling I did when I was 'watching tv' in my boyfriends room at 16 and 17 🙈

I’m not sure how falling asleep next to someone makes any difference though. It certainly didn’t to me. I had a curfew at that age and it always made no sense to me that i could be having sex all day long if i wanted but at 11am when I was ready for bed I wasn’t allowed to go to sleep. You say he’s not ready or mature enough but you recognise that they have other opportunities to have sex. So if it’s not about stopping sex what is it about falling asleep next to someone that you feel he’s not mature enough for?

I genuinely believe parental tolerance of this stuff does encourage kids going further at a younger age.

My parents absolutely would not have allowed this until I was uni age (even then there were raised eyebrows when my boyfriend came at Christmas & stayed in my room). I was much more cautious than some peers because i knew it "wasn't allowed" and respected my parents views. This doesn't mean i didn't have boyfriends or explore a bit, but there were boundaries and I didn't cross them.

I don't regret it at all, by the time i was early twenties i was able to see how much more emotionally mature I was and ready for more, i would have regretted if the teen relationships had become more serious.

I think teens do need to have accountability to someone and it's OK for you to say you are not comfortable with that and for them to just have a care (as the writers of olden days might say!)

Also, are you sure the other parents are fine with it? I only ask because we had a similar situation and I said no because of younger siblings in the house. I rang the other parent to discuss and they were really relieved that I had vetoed the sleepover because they hadn't felt confident to say no! (Their child was an only.) I had no problem being the 'not cool' parent in that situation.

I’m not sure how falling asleep next to someone makes any difference though

It obviously does, which is why moving in together & regularly sharing a bed is a sign of a more serious relationship. It fosters a deeper emotional attachment.

8 weeks is a very short time. She's already shown signs of controlling behaviour with the amount of attention she's demanding.
Presumably the next step will be her staying at yours. Then if they break up will another girl be along in a few weeks? Where do you draw the line?

. If they want to have sex they will, somewhere, anywhere: doorways, park benches, in cars, at friend’s homes.

This isn't true? Its perfectly possible to have self control and resist urges. I felt lust when a teen with my boyfriend, but knew it was "not allowed", and had been raised to follow rules. My parents not authorising it definitely delayed me starting sexual relationships and I think that was a positive as it gave me the time to mature emotionally.

I’m dreading this stage of parenting because I honestly don’t know what I’d do.
I was never allowed a boyfriend in my bedroom with a door closed but I slept at his and I honestly hated it. Unfamiliar house, all the tip-toeing, weird teenage fumbling and just wanting to run home after 😂

If they’re potentially already having sex, at the very least I’d make sure he fully understands consent above all else. Because if he does sleep at her house, and they’re all ready to go and she then says no and he throws a hissy fit, he could land himself in hot water if her parents overhear it.

From the conversations we’ve had I genuinely think they haven’t had sex yet, and for some reason he wants it to be part of an overnight thing, hence him wanting to do that so much. She usually comes here after school one day in the week, and they have the house to themselves until I get home 4 hours later, so there’s ample opportunity to have sex. I’ve accepted that that is likely to happen. I know what I was like at that age.

But overnight still feels more intense and intimate to me. I’ve been with my (non resident) partner for 10 years, and he didn’t stay overnight until about 8 months into the relationship. That was mainly because it wouldn’t have been fair on my kids. They’d met him, he visited regularly, but having him there all night and there in the morning was a level of closeness that the household wasn’t ready for.

Overnight feels like a big step.

I wonder if you're getting things a bit upside down here. Essentially what you're offering them is sex without promoting a strong emotional bond. You say you accept they most probably can or will have sex anyway because they have plenty of opportunities during the day, but want to prevent your son from from getting into a deeper emotional relationship with this girl. It sounds like you're giving the message that casual sex is fine, sex as part of a committed relationship less so...

@FullLondonEye not at all. I’m not encouraging sex during the day, I’m just being realistic. I’m not so strict that I ban them spending time alone together in his bedroom, because that would seem excessive.

But I feel there is an additional intimacy that comes with spending the night together, seeing each other at their most vulnerable, and having a set of expectations that come with sleeping together. And I don’t think DS is ready for that.

Night times are tricky for DS. He’s a terrible sleeper. In fact, last night, after I started this thread, he came into my room at 1am to say he was too hot, but not hot exactly, just not comfortable, didn’t feel right, wasn’t sure why etc etc. This is a regular thing. He also gets bad migraines, and becomes completely disabled by them, can’t see, gets quite panicky, and is petrified of friends seeing him like that. If he got a migraine in the night (they often come on at about 5am), he’d freak out, and his poor girlfriend wouldn’t know what to do.

I’m trying to tread that fine line between not being so strict that my rules are simply disobeyed, but also using my knowledge and experience to know what is best for my DS.

I understand all that, I'm just saying that's not necessarily how it might appear.

I personally was 15. 😬 That to me seems awfully young still. But I actually didn’t have sex til I was 18. My decision. I felt it was too soon still. So overnights don’t necessarily mean sex.

That said, mine will not be having overnights before 16.

I totally agree for exactly the same reasons

This is what I’m struggling with. How to convey my concerns and reasons to DS. I try and explain rules to my kids as much as possible, rather than just saying “no, because I say so”, but when I try and articulate it to him, he just doesn’t get it, because he’s 16!

They already had a couple of arguments when she got drunk at parties over Christmas and accused him of not paying her enough attention, or paying her too much attention

Red flags all over the place. I’d be encouraging him to find another.

Ds is 16 in year 11. He stays over at his gf and she stays here.

17 would be fine for me, well over age of consent

OP - Turn the question around. At what age did you start having sex and were you (in hindsight) happy with that?

DS says it’s just when she’s drunk, which has happened on 2 or 3 occasions since they met. She got annoyed with him because she felt he spent too much time with his mates at a party, rather than with her. But then she got annoyed with him when he came and stood with her, because she said he was being too controlling. Of course I only have his side of the story, and he’s far from perfect. But at the end of the day, what this tells me is that they’re not in an easy comfortable uncomplicated relationship. And as such, I don’t think overnights are a good idea.

She’s a sweet girl and I’m sure if they can navigate the first 6 months, the drama will fade. But it’s only 2 months in.

My teenage girlfriend and I used to "go up to my bedroom to listen to records"...which of course also covered any noise... 😀

Well, I was WAY more mature and independent than DS is at that age. My Mum was a single parent and my brother had some mental health problems and undiagnosed ASD, so I was the “easy one”, and as such had been pretty much left to my own devices for years. I was 16 when I started staying with my boyfriend, and it was an absolute car crash. The sex was shit, he wasn’t a nice person, his parents were well meaning but distant. I felt quite lost when I stayed there, but I stayed with him because he was my boyfriend and I liked him. Looking back, it was a mistake, and this will be having an impact on my thinking now. We all carry our own experiences into our parenting.

See, this blows my mind. In year 11 they’re still children and too young to encourage that level of adult relationship. I am of the view that there are no sleepovers until they go to uni / start work at 18 or similar but. I do see that 6th form could be reasonable.

But year 11, that’s the age of my youngest and I wouldn’t even entertain it as a conversation. If they’re going to have sex, then fine but I think that sleepovers for year 11 who are still children steps too far into adult relationship territory before they’re emotionally mature enough. I think there’s a huge value in teens having some boundaries around how they navigate relationships to actually protect them to a certain extent

DS is 16. I’ve suggested waiting until he’s 17, which is 2 months away, to allow the relationship to develop more. And also so that I’m offering a compromise, rather than a straight NO.