When did you let your teens spend the night with the girlfriend/boyfriend?

[BerryTwister]

DS is going to be 17 in April. He’s been with his first ever girlfriend for about 2 months. They usually spend 2 afternoons/evenings together, in their bedrooms, I think just cuddling. She’s a sweet girl and they seem very happy. She’s about 6 months older than DS.

However, DS is a very “stressy” kid, lots of OCD traits, often anxious, takes life very seriously, just a very emotional person. And his girlfriend is also very anxious, lots of emotion, gets very worried about all sorts of things. They already had a couple of arguments when she got drunk at parties over Christmas and accused him of not paying her enough attention, or paying her too much attention - basically drunk teen stuff.

Anyway, they want to spend the night together, at her house. Her parents are fine with this apparently. The clear implication is that they’ll be having sex. Of course I can’t control what they do when they’re together during the day, but giving permission for a full overnight just feels too much too soon, given the degree of teen angst that’s been going on. I’m worried that DS doesn’t have the emotional maturity to deal with the fallout of taking the relationship to the sleepover stage.

But apparently I’m mean and horrible, and everyone else’s parents allow their kids to sleep with the partners at this stage. I’ve said he should wait till he’s 17 before they stay overnight, when they’ll have been together longer.

AIBU to have this rule? Should I be more permissive?

I can’t imagine telling my young adult when they should have sex. He is no longer a child.

It’s not his age. It’s the fact been together 2mths. Argued at Xmas so within the first few weeks/month tops of their relationship

so I would be a no as well. And April isn’t that far away

the girls parents may of the view that better to be at their home then in the front seat of a car

Have a talk with him.

Ask him how he will handle any issues hr has in the night while staying at gf or if he gets a migraine at 5am. He needs a plan.

Tell him you will happy to be the excuse if he doesnt feel he is ready to stay over.

18 for over night. For me sleeping together brings a new level to a relationship and I didn’t want to be compliant in that any earlier. Also had to have been together several months

No until they have been together a minimum of 6 months. That’s my rule.

And by that I mean 6 straight months with no break ups and no drama. It doesn’t stop them having sex but it stops a false intimacy of “living together” I don’t think teens who still live at home and have no real experience of the world are ready for that. They need to focus on getting to know each other and taking the relationship stage by stage.

If your older son didn't have a girlfriend sleep over until he was 20 can't you use that. Tell him that by saying 17 you are relaxing the former house rules considerably for him
That would answer the 'not fair' leverage he is trying to use. Also older brother has a long term girlfriend. 2 months isn't long term.
At 16 and saying he wants girlfriend sleep overs yet also becoming religious/praying and saying he wants to wait for sex for marriage seems to show that he is in an emotionally confused place ... as many teens are.
All you can do is, for better or worse, calmly keep to what you think is best... You are still parenting for the next two years albeit gradually letting go. I'm afraid that during the term years it definitely seems that a parent's place is in the wrong whatever you decide. Hope it pans out ok. 💐

There seems to be two issues here. One with the level of intimacy with his GF and the other re waking in the night and needed you. Does he actually sleep over at friends houses?

@QuietLifeNoDrama he never really enjoyed sleepovers with friends. He’s got one friend who he was OK with, because friend’s Mum was very similar to me, and he felt comfortable there. Very non threatening environment. But for other sleepovers he generally called me in the early hours to collect him, or he’d ask me to come up with an excuse for him not to go in the first place. Night time and sleep are big issues for him. He’s terrified of insomnia and early morning migraines. This is another reason why I don’t feel happy about it. And it’s one thing bailing out of a lads group sleepover - the lads will just shrug and carry on. But if he asked to be collected from his girlfriend’s house it would be a huge dent in the relationship. And a one hour round trip for me!

He’s definitely emotionally confused.

I don’t think of 16 as being a young adult. Not a child as such, but not a young adult either.

Mine were 16- both over the age of consent. Both have had happy healthy relationships.
The vast majority of teens in relationships over 16 are having sex so I don’t see the issue with them sleeping over night
if your DS is not typical I’d base it on his developmental age

Given what you’ve said I think you’re right to be cautious. I don’t have much advice beyond talking to him about your concerns. If he’s not comfortable overnight generally then yes it is a huge step to stay at a GF house. Most people who do this have been crashing at friends houses for years with all sorts of sleeping arrangements (sofas, floors, shared beds etc). If and when the time comes I’d actually suggest he’s better to have the first sleepover at yours where he feels comfortable and if he wakes in the night he can remove himself easily. Failing that a sleepover with separate bedrooms if possible.

Well this is what he needs to understand. The relationship and its potential problems are a completely different issue really.