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Original poster

Step daughter so needy

143 replies

Tired21 · 12/02/2026 23:03

I have a issue with partner of 5 years and his daughter I have absolutely tried to build a relationship with her, making sure he put her first with everything, encouraging them time and making sure she is OK, i won't lend her money as she is on a good wage dispite pleading poverty and she has recently moved to the town where we live I actually help her physically moving her and putting a good word in when she didn't get the house she wanted and pointing out the positive actually resulted in landing her the house and not a thanks in sight, I actively treat her to things, lend her my car, go mad at birthdays and Xmas for her and absolutely think she should and will always come first in her dad's eyes to a extent, she talks to me like crap at times, never so much as sends me a birthday card and actively ignore me at times I've had it out with her to no avail, recent example. Was we went out upon her suggestion for dad's birthday meal, she took pics of him alone and then wanted pics if her and boyfriend together and that was it, it's like I don't exist I'm struggling to bite my tounge and getting annoyed and having arguments with my partner which I feel. Is what she wants!
Do I just keep the peace ignore her and try best to crack on I am after all the adult or do I snap. And finally correct her which would most probably result in her seeing dad alone only and falling out with me which is no good to anyone, I've spoke to partner numerous times and princess mode is on he agrees she can be a pain but never tells her off and she gets away with poor behavior, my family worship my partner my kids good with him and he helps my elderly family alot he can be a great guy this girl is 26 BTW way and a only child but my god is so needy constant calls texts daddy daddy it's draining and I'm unsure how to continue

OP posts:
Slightyamusedandsilly · 12/02/2026 23:08

You've got 3 choices.

  1. Accept the way she is and continue the one sided efforts. You'll never win though.

  2. Accept the way she is and give up the one sided efforts. Your bloke won't be happy but you can point out it wasn't appreciated anyway.

  3. Accept you'll never change her or, more importantly HIM (because he is the one you're in the relationship with). You can stay with him or leave. But their relationship is established with her 100% in control. You can't change it.

Endofyear · 13/02/2026 01:12

What exactly has she done wrong apart from not take a photo of you on her dad's birthday? It does sound like you are a bit jealous of her relationship with your partner!

PollyBell · 13/02/2026 01:15

What has she actually done wrong?

Eenameenadeeka · 13/02/2026 01:24

Well, I wouldn't put in too much effort if she's not that interested in you, but to be fair it sounds like she was 21 when you met her Dad, so she was already an adult and her relationship with you isn't super important to her. You can still be kind and get along without going out of your way for her. I think her relationship with her Dad is separate from you so I'm not sure why it bothers you that she txts him?

Tangelablue · 13/02/2026 01:42

Stop trying, she doesn't appreciate anything you do for her.

FruitFlyPie · 13/02/2026 01:47

I'm also not sure what she has done wrong. So what if she didn't want to take a photo of you. It's normal for her to see him alone, why do you have to be there. My parents are together but I even see them alone sometimes. What does it matter what she texts him, how would you even know what the texts say?

researchers3 · 13/02/2026 02:03

Slightyamusedandsilly · 12/02/2026 23:08

You've got 3 choices.

  1. Accept the way she is and continue the one sided efforts. You'll never win though.

  2. Accept the way she is and give up the one sided efforts. Your bloke won't be happy but you can point out it wasn't appreciated anyway.

  3. Accept you'll never change her or, more importantly HIM (because he is the one you're in the relationship with). You can stay with him or leave. But their relationship is established with her 100% in control. You can't change it.

I agree with this.

Try option 2 and if no change, progress to option 3!

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 13/02/2026 02:59

Stop going mad Xmas and birthdays for a start . She’s an adult, match the energy she gives you.

Katflapkit · 13/02/2026 03:09

Just stop. Have more respect for yourself. You have spoken to her - no change. You have spoken to your partner - no change. You want change - do it yourself. Step back. Match her energy. Don't lend the car. Stop doing her favours that are unappreciated. Stop buying gifts. I am assuming you are one 'going mad at birthdays and Christmas'. Tell your partner - you are not doing it anymore. His princess, his job.

This is a 26 old woman, living independently with a job and a boyfriend. She knows how to behave but chooses not to. Not including you in the photographs at the restaurant was rude and deliberate. Why not include you in some of them and delete later? Because she wanted you to feel excluded. Stop chasing her, she doesn't deserve it.

Your partner may help with elderly relatives but I assume they and you are grateful and say thank you.

BollyMolly · 13/02/2026 03:24

Shes not the only needy one if she can’t even have pictures alone with her Dad without you complaining about it and it turning into a row.

If you care about your partner, just be supportive. No good will come from you trying to force her to want a relationship, and she owes you nothing. The favours you did for her, you did for her father really, and for the sake of your own relationship with the family. That’s fine, but do it graciously or not at all. Her dynamic with her father existed before you came along, and you don’t get to call her needy and a princess then expect her to want to include you in her relationship with her Dad. How much she texts her father is none of you business.

Octavia64 · 13/02/2026 03:25

Alternative perspective:

she’s an adult. You are dad’s girlfriend. He’s had a relationship with his daughter for 21 years before you got involved.

maybe he’s had lots of previous girlfriends and you are just the next one in a long long line and she knows that he’ll soon move on?

btw good luck “correcting” a 26 year olds behaviour.

Dgll · 13/02/2026 03:56

She doesn't like you and bending over backwards for her won't change her mind on that. Be polite and nice to her when she is there but step back from all the other stuff. You won't resent her as much if you distance yourself a bit more.

Ohnobackagain · 13/02/2026 04:01

Slightyamusedandsilly · 12/02/2026 23:08

You've got 3 choices.

  1. Accept the way she is and continue the one sided efforts. You'll never win though.

  2. Accept the way she is and give up the one sided efforts. Your bloke won't be happy but you can point out it wasn't appreciated anyway.

  3. Accept you'll never change her or, more importantly HIM (because he is the one you're in the relationship with). You can stay with him or leave. But their relationship is established with her 100% in control. You can't change it.

Exactly this @Tired21 I got sick of a similarly one-sided relationship years ago so now I give back what I get i.e. nothing. Still send birthday and christmas presents but nowhere near so extravagant. BF doesn’t understand but he doesn’t want to upset her. I don’t want anyone upset nor do I want her ‘told off’, I just know her behaviour (she’s in her 30s) is not ok and I’m now comfortable with quietly leaving them to it. Much less angst all round!

Slightyamusedandsilly · 13/02/2026 09:42

Ohnobackagain · 13/02/2026 04:01

Exactly this @Tired21 I got sick of a similarly one-sided relationship years ago so now I give back what I get i.e. nothing. Still send birthday and christmas presents but nowhere near so extravagant. BF doesn’t understand but he doesn’t want to upset her. I don’t want anyone upset nor do I want her ‘told off’, I just know her behaviour (she’s in her 30s) is not ok and I’m now comfortable with quietly leaving them to it. Much less angst all round!

Show quote history

Yes! I've also been there. It's a one horse race. Save your money and don't bet on it.

Original poster
Tired21 · 13/02/2026 13:12

I've sat and thourght about things and your right it's not about me been jealous I active encourage them to have lots of time on a one to one as she has no relation to her mother so I see why she is needy it's the rudeness and deliberately attempts to exclude me and be hurtful, not even a txt on my birthday but yet everyone else is a huge deal and I'm ignored partner agrees she is rude and hurtful but says absolutely nothing, I'd never expect to fall out with her that's not what I want but partner to have words occasionally or correct her would be nice occasionally but I've given up on that like you say at 26 it's not going to change so from now on zero effort on my part and leave them to get on with it I suppose it's not worth the worry

OP posts:
Evergreen21 · 13/02/2026 13:21

Establish proper boundaries. As long as you've known her she has been an adult. If she was unpleasant or rude to you in the beginning you should have told her that was unacceptable and kept boundaries. So someone like that wouldn't be welcome in my home. If her dad wanted to spend time with her of course he could but he'd be meeting her somewhere other than my home. I would not be buying her birthday or Xmas presents and other than being polite wouldn't have anything to do with her. She won't care as she doesn't like you anyway. No good comes from behaving like a doormat so stop. If your partner has a problem with your change in attitude then he needs to call out his dd on her behaviour.

wishfulthinking25 · 13/02/2026 13:25

Endofyear · 13/02/2026 01:12

What exactly has she done wrong apart from not take a photo of you on her dad's birthday? It does sound like you are a bit jealous of her relationship with your partner!

Completely agree with this

Pearlstillsinging · 13/02/2026 13:34

It seems to me that the problem is really your DP's approach to his daughter. He could easily intervene but he doesn't. He could have said 'Let's have a photo of all of us together' but he didn't.
You need to talk to your partner and explain what you would like to happen, with your relationship with his daughter.

Duvetdayneeded · 13/02/2026 13:35

Stop doing so much for her and make your husband call her out on her bad behaviour

nomas · 13/02/2026 13:36

List of actions

  • ignore DSD’s birthday and no more presents, texts or cards on birthdays or Christmas
  • do not pay for her dinner, just pay for yourself
  • stop your family from making a fuss of your partner, he doesn’t deserve it.
OriginalSkang · 13/02/2026 13:39

I would give up putting any effort in

aBuffetofunreasonableness · 13/02/2026 13:39

Leave her alone, she's not interested in a relationship with her father's girlfriend, which is fine.

I would have found it strange if someone my parent was dating wanted to be in my photos and expected me to send cards and fought with me over it. (Had it out?)

Buying her gifts is her parents role.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 13/02/2026 13:42

I agree with PP, you can't make someone like you. But why are you still going mad for an adults birthday when they don't make the same effort for you. Just take a huge step back

flightyfighter · 13/02/2026 13:44

Match her energy. Don't lend the car. Stop doing her favours that are unappreciated. Stop buying gifts.

This

Bonkers1966 · 13/02/2026 13:47

It sounds like you need to step back a bit in terms of the expensive gifts and suchlike. You are doing a lot and not even getting a thank you. Try letting her and Dad sort themselves out for a while and see how you feel. It's unlikely to change so it's best if you moderate your behaviour so that you feel better about the situation.