Step daughter so needy

[Tired21]

I have a issue with partner of 5 years and his daughter I have absolutely tried to build a relationship with her, making sure he put her first with everything, encouraging them time and making sure she is OK, i won't lend her money as she is on a good wage dispite pleading poverty and she has recently moved to the town where we live I actually help her physically moving her and putting a good word in when she didn't get the house she wanted and pointing out the positive actually resulted in landing her the house and not a thanks in sight, I actively treat her to things, lend her my car, go mad at birthdays and Xmas for her and absolutely think she should and will always come first in her dad's eyes to a extent, she talks to me like crap at times, never so much as sends me a birthday card and actively ignore me at times I've had it out with her to no avail, recent example. Was we went out upon her suggestion for dad's birthday meal, she took pics of him alone and then wanted pics if her and boyfriend together and that was it, it's like I don't exist I'm struggling to bite my tounge and getting annoyed and having arguments with my partner which I feel. Is what she wants!
Do I just keep the peace ignore her and try best to crack on I am after all the adult or do I snap. And finally correct her which would most probably result in her seeing dad alone only and falling out with me which is no good to anyone, I've spoke to partner numerous times and princess mode is on he agrees she can be a pain but never tells her off and she gets away with poor behavior, my family worship my partner my kids good with him and he helps my elderly family alot he can be a great guy this girl is 26 BTW way and a only child but my god is so needy constant calls texts daddy daddy it's draining and I'm unsure how to continue

Personally I wouldn’t really think about having a photo with my dad’s girlfriend at my birthday dinner. I also wouldn’t not expect presents from a girlfriend of my father’s, you’re not friends and it doesn’t sound like either of you like each other. Leave birthdays up to him and stop trying to buy her affection. Just be polite when you see her and leave each other to it.

She's not your stepdaughter. You came into her life as an adult and had nothing to do with raising her nor are you married to her dad. I doubt very much she sees you as a stepmother, to her you're likely dad's gf.

That said, this is where you match her energy. Pull back. It also sounds like she doesn't like you and never will so stop the fawning interactions like lending her your car and overdoing gifts and all of that. Don't have her to your home. People who are rude to you are not welcome in your home as guests. She gets civility and that's it. If your partner says anything, tell him she excludes you, seems to actively dislike you, is rude, and you're over it.

Your BF was shitty for not having his kid be polite to you, but the horse has left that barn. Now you're setting a boundary, that you're going to have little to do with someone who treats you poorly.

You've been so anxious to please you've accepted her excluding you and being rude and made yourself a doormat for someone who doesn't treat you nicely. Lending her your car? That's nuts. You sound like you might need some work on your self esteem.

Stop buying her things and doing her favours as it sounds like she doesn't like you and you feel the same way.

There's no need for some apocalyptic showdown or anything. Just keep your distance and be polite and friendly if you see her. But don't go out of your way to do so.

She's an adult and you don't have to force a close relationship, it has seemingly just led to resentment on your part. Just let your partner get on with his relationship with her and take a back seat.

I agree with this. My mum met a new man when I was a young adult and they are still together 2 decades later. He is in no way a step dad to me, nor are his kids my step siblings. We were all adults. I don't call him on his birthday, he has never called me either. He is just my mum's partner, but means very little to me. I'm not rude to him, just very indeifferent.

I don't think there is any point in making your boyfriend tell his DD off for not including you in stuff as if you were her mother. At best it would generate some fake engagement from her that is completely meaningless anyway, but most likely she would just resent you. Just let your boyfriend have a harmonious relationship with his child and stop asking him to fight battles for you that don't need to be fought.

@Tired21 I presume from what you have said, that you live with your partner and the daughter lives in her own place? Is that correct? The reply below is assuming that.

If I were you, I would step right back. You don't need to make a big thing about it, but just stop falling over yourself to be nice to her, spending a fortune at Christmas and Birthdays etc. Stop actively encouraging your partner and her to meet up. If your partner needs active encouragement, then don't do it!

Leave him to decide when and how often he sees his daughter and don't join them. For example, when the daughter suggested you all go put for a meal for his birthday, you could have counter suggested she goes out with him and her boyfriend only - and if necessary, you can have a separate meal out just the two of you for you to celebrate with him?

Just tell your partner that you need to step back and it would be better if, at least most of the time, he just sees her on her own?

How often does she come to your house?

EDIT To Add: You don't need to never see her, or not speak to her, just back off a lot and leave them to it when you can

Then just stop doing this stuff for her, no?

I used to go mad buying gifts for certain people at certain times in my life, and got nothing back. You just have to take a step back sometimes and think about how you're being treated vs how you treat others. Sounds like you're going way OTT to appease and please her, and yet she's scornful of you. Continue to be pleasant but I'd drop the gifts and the help.

She wasn't a child when you met her and she won't see you as a Step mother because you are not. Not in the legal or emotional sense, you are her Dads girlfriend. My dad had a girlfriend ( they didn't live together) and she was nothing to me. I was never rude but i was never overly friendly either.

You’ve fallen over yourself to make everyone happy -DSD doesn’t appreciate it and DP is admired because you’ve not flagged up his bad treatment of you. stop being ‘nice’ just be an honest you.

Not sure why you keep doing nice things for someone who doesn't appreciate them?

In reality you aren’t her mum and she doesn’t have to like you or want photos of you, they joys of blended families rarely s everyone happy with who they have to put up with.

Yes she has own house and we live together, partner had previous partner that fell out with her and he didn't speak to his daughter for three months I from day one have actively encouraged her into our lives to be repeatedly told off she blows very hot and cold and it's very hard to know where you stand in a day to day basis and it's confusing I thing only way I will cope is to step majorly back and leave them to it, it's hard as when I'm days off I like to spend time with partner but I know it's gonna be me me me, I just have to get on with it I suppose perhaps if I back off and have zero expectation I won't feel so hurt

Exactly this. ^^

Step back, drop the rope gradually so it’s not too much of a statement. Stop allowing yourself to be hurt by her snubbing you. She clearly doesn’t like or respect you.

You will never win this one. Never!

Step away. Stop lending her your car, buying expensive presents, helping her out, she's a grown woman not a child.
Let her father do the donkey work, if donkey work must be done.

Why are you so desperate for her to like you and see you as part of her family? You are just Dads latest girlfriend to her. She owes you nothing, especially considering the names you are prepared to call her on the internet.

Are you a similar age to her?

Are you one of a long line of Daddy’s “friends” that’s she’s been introduced to over the years?

Stop competing for attention with her. She may be annoying but let her crack on. She can see her dad, you don’t have to involve yourself overly with her. In fact, why would you?

YABU and it doesn't sound like she sees you as a step mother. You are her dad's partner and that's it.

He didn’t speak to his daughter for 3 months when she fell out with his previous girlfriend and she would have been no older than 20?? Then you come along and want her to be an active part of your lives from day 1? And she has no relationship with her mum?

She may well be rude and selfish. But It doesn’t sound like she’s had much security so it’s maybe not surprising she blows hot and cold and is me me me.

Your step-daughter was an adult when you got together with your partner. She may like you on a superficial level but I think anything more, and she's not particularly interested. It doesn't necessarily mean she dislikes you, but is indifferent.

My approach would be to be pleasant, buy her Christmas/Birthday presents but nothing more than that. It's not your responsibility to lend her your car, treat her or to bend over backwards for her. It's her Dad's! Your step-daughter up to now, hasn't appreciated or even as much as thanked you for the things you have done for her/bought/lent her...so why bother continuing???

If your partner comments, tell him that you are doing nothing more than matching his daughters effort.

So she has visited my home today with boyfriend and the entire visit didn't speak to me once, said goodbye OK but entire visit (45)mins)i was ignored I tried to engage no joy, partner did notice and I hsve had words, am I right in saying next time I sm going to get up leave house and go for a walk muttering something along lined of oh I do exsist, or just simply put my cost and shoes on and walk out the fucking door👀 🙄, I said to him I don't want a fall out but it's abit late to disaplinary a adult late 20s but this is my space my home have some respect🙏

Other than been an ungrateful brat? She's had help with house move, borrowed a car, lovely birthday and Christmas gifts yet won't demean herslf to say 'thank you', if my daughter behaved like that the generosity tap would be turned off immediately. From reading about step mothers on this site I honestly feel that many step children feel they can treat thei step mother like shit and expect their parent, usually father, to back them up.

In other words ignore her totally, as she deserves, it will save you a lot of money too.

I would suggest that he meets his daughter in a cafe or somewhere, no-one should be forced from their home by an adult brat.

Grow up and stop trying to compete with your boyfriends child

She isn't your step daughter so stop trying to pretend she is and just leave them to have their own relationship.

Stop putting the effort in with her. She’s 26, not 16. If she’s ungrateful, stop treating her to things she doesn’t deserve. No more birthday presents, leave things like that entirely to her father. No more loaning her your car. Make excuses if you have to. You deserve kindness in return and she’s not giving you that.