Step daughter so needy

[Tired21]

I have a issue with partner of 5 years and his daughter I have absolutely tried to build a relationship with her, making sure he put her first with everything, encouraging them time and making sure she is OK, i won't lend her money as she is on a good wage dispite pleading poverty and she has recently moved to the town where we live I actually help her physically moving her and putting a good word in when she didn't get the house she wanted and pointing out the positive actually resulted in landing her the house and not a thanks in sight, I actively treat her to things, lend her my car, go mad at birthdays and Xmas for her and absolutely think she should and will always come first in her dad's eyes to a extent, she talks to me like crap at times, never so much as sends me a birthday card and actively ignore me at times I've had it out with her to no avail, recent example. Was we went out upon her suggestion for dad's birthday meal, she took pics of him alone and then wanted pics if her and boyfriend together and that was it, it's like I don't exist I'm struggling to bite my tounge and getting annoyed and having arguments with my partner which I feel. Is what she wants!
Do I just keep the peace ignore her and try best to crack on I am after all the adult or do I snap. And finally correct her which would most probably result in her seeing dad alone only and falling out with me which is no good to anyone, I've spoke to partner numerous times and princess mode is on he agrees she can be a pain but never tells her off and she gets away with poor behavior, my family worship my partner my kids good with him and he helps my elderly family alot he can be a great guy this girl is 26 BTW way and a only child but my god is so needy constant calls texts daddy daddy it's draining and I'm unsure how to continue

Ah this was me. My now husband has three adult kids, two were warm (A&B) and welcoming, the other (C) was polite but as cold as ice. I even got on well with my partners ex wife (they parted many years before me).

I bent over backwards with presents and making time for them, only to be ignored and I decided that was a "them " problem and continued treating them as I hoped to be treated back. We had family holidays, we invited them all and they came. But still a cold front from C - I just decided that they didn't have to like me but I wasn't going to create an atmosphere so I continued being friendly. Year 5, me and partner married . We have been together for 15 years now.

Things have changed. I continued being nice to C and they continued to ignore me and their Dad. No cards, no visits, only texts when they needed large amounts of money (they earn more than us).

I learnt that it was costing me too much to maintain being nice as the continual rejection was really depressing. So I decided to match their mood, I stopped sending cards, presents and inviting them out and paying for stuff.

A & B are fully onboard with the situation and when C has made comments about having had no gifts from us, A&B have said to C that we understand how that feels because for years we sent cards, presents, invitations and money without any reciprocation or even acknowledgement and so we had decided to match their mood. I think they were shocked. We do now get occasional cards and an odd present, we have even had an invitation to their home and when this happens I reciprocate. Its very slow moving.

But here is your problem, you need your partner to come on board with this. It is his daughter and he needs to stand firm. He should never abandon her but he does need to put boundaries in place for an expectation of behaviours from her and you. And you need to set boundaries too. Your partner needs to buy her cards and presents, you back off. Issue invitations but don't push, make her welcome in your home but stop trying so hard. I have been there.

HRTFT
Is the step daughter upset that she doesn't have a relationship with her mother and perceives you as trying to force yourself into that role which she resents?

Or she thinks you are the reason her parents are no longer together irrespective of how distorted that logic is.

she talks to me like crap at times, never so much as sends me a birthday card and actively ignore me at times

Simple. Stop making all the effort.
Your partner arranges gifts etc and helps her when needed
You are pleasant and polite when you meet

That's it

Don’t do any more favours including lending the car - ‘can I borrow your car?’ ‘No can do, I need it this afternoon’.

'No' is sufficient, you don't have to justify yourself, it leaves the door open for further discussions!

I realise your attempts were well-meant - and a really good place to start - but the fundamental issue here is I think she doesn't want a relationship with you.

And to be fair, her Dad has chosen to be in a relationship with you but she hasn't. As an adult, there really is not need for her to: provided you are not too clingy, she can see her dad separately.

I realise that isn't the outcome you hoped for, but she ought really to be able to choose whom she spends her time with - and does it really matter? Just give them the space alone then you live your life with your partner separately. It doesn't need to be this stressful.

As unpopular as it is to say this, the underlying reality is that a huge percentage of the time people don't find it easy to accept new partners of their parents. Occasionally, if the starts align, it works well, but imo too much angst goes into forcing people to accept things they don't accept. As she is old enough to live separately, why force the issue? Having found out she isn't keen, it becomes a case of it being for your own purposes, which isn't all that fair on her.

Utter nonsense. Everyone I know is inundated with cards on their Birthday.

I don't think you can force this. You gave it your best. She's not a child. Take a step back.

Why shpukd she text you on your birthday? She does not like you.
Smile and wave and if is too much wave goodbye to both of them and move on

No more making a fuss over her and expecting her to reciprocate.
TBH I would find this needy /forced.

TBH OP I think this hits the nail on the head. The title of the thread is that the SD is needy, but in fact the content of your posts is more about things not being the way you want.

She will still "need" her Dad. Unless and until there is a break in that relationship, that pull is natural.

Hi there, I think some of the posts here are a bit harsh. If you are out for a meal, and everyone is taking photos, you would expect to be included - it was a deliberate snub, and your partner should have said "Please take one of me and x". The extra point you made about being ignored in your own home is extraordinarily rude, and her dad, and her partner, to be honest, should have called her out on it. She's obviously one of these people who don't react well to being corrected! I think that life is easier if everyone gets along, and it doesn't seem like she has a reason to dislike you, but cannot welcome you into her little bubble. Might have issues with people leaving, ie, previous girlfriends that she did get on with, and also her mother? So just step back, as others have said, though I would ask your partner politely to have her visit when you are not home, or for him to go to her, as being ignored, or having to leave your own home, is unacceptable. Good luck!

Yes, he can visit her away from your home.

It's only fair he can visit her, but you don't need to host it.

The daughter doesn't have to like the OP but if she loves her Father and the OP makes him happy, then as a decent, rational adult, for the sake of your Fathers happiness, it takes nothing to offer common courtesy.

No-one says they have to like each other but they do have to rub along at family events etc and so for the sake of everyone else concerned, but especially Dad/Partner, you are polite...unless you are a spoilt bi*ch and think of no-one but yourself! Simple as that.

In all fairness, she didn’t ask you to go mad on her birthday and Christmas — that’s a decision you made. I’ve always found it very manipulative to say, “I gave you loads of presents, now you owe me a relationship,” or that someone is in debt to you. You see this on Mumsnet when people complain about relatives not doing what they want, despite them sending their children birthday presents, as if that creates a relationship.

If they are at the family events together, then yes.

But I don't think there is an obligation to have to rub up against each other.

Partners should be capable of having relationships with their children without their partner needing to impose on that. But yes, if she chooses to come then she chooses to come.

Mostly agree, but would disagree about the phrasing used to decline lending the car. I'd simply say "I am not prepared to lend my car to someone who ignores me when visiting our house"

I agree. It's the OP's expectations of the relationship that are causing the problems here. Presumably from the stepdaughter's POV, the OP is a blurry background figure, someone in her father's life, but not someone she particularly thinks of in terms of needing a relationship with herself. The OP has decided that's not enough, and is trying to force things with lavish presents etc and is annoyed when it's not reciprocated. I think a lot will be solved by stepping back a bit and reducing expectations, but ultimately, if she disapproves of her partner's parenting of his adult daughter, she may need to rethink the future of the relationship.

She sounds very difficult and at 26 there probably isn’t much your DP can do about that. I would cut him some slack, but next time her and Bf come round, I’d go off for a walk. I wouldn’t mutter anything, I’d just leave without saying anything. If you feel it’s awkward, just call a general “see you later”. And don’t lend your car next time etc. Just be less available, do less and see her less but keep the peace and don’t try to make your DP fix the unfixable

Well that’s easily solved, OP’s partner can just deal with all future gifts.