Step daughter so needy

[Tired21]

I have a issue with partner of 5 years and his daughter I have absolutely tried to build a relationship with her, making sure he put her first with everything, encouraging them time and making sure she is OK, i won't lend her money as she is on a good wage dispite pleading poverty and she has recently moved to the town where we live I actually help her physically moving her and putting a good word in when she didn't get the house she wanted and pointing out the positive actually resulted in landing her the house and not a thanks in sight, I actively treat her to things, lend her my car, go mad at birthdays and Xmas for her and absolutely think she should and will always come first in her dad's eyes to a extent, she talks to me like crap at times, never so much as sends me a birthday card and actively ignore me at times I've had it out with her to no avail, recent example. Was we went out upon her suggestion for dad's birthday meal, she took pics of him alone and then wanted pics if her and boyfriend together and that was it, it's like I don't exist I'm struggling to bite my tounge and getting annoyed and having arguments with my partner which I feel. Is what she wants!
Do I just keep the peace ignore her and try best to crack on I am after all the adult or do I snap. And finally correct her which would most probably result in her seeing dad alone only and falling out with me which is no good to anyone, I've spoke to partner numerous times and princess mode is on he agrees she can be a pain but never tells her off and she gets away with poor behavior, my family worship my partner my kids good with him and he helps my elderly family alot he can be a great guy this girl is 26 BTW way and a only child but my god is so needy constant calls texts daddy daddy it's draining and I'm unsure how to continue

Frustrating as it is & it most certainly sounds frustrating, I'd carry on being the lovely accommodating you. I believe it must only be children who have gone through major family splits in life who truly understand the impact it can have on long term mental health despite how well it works out for all concerned. It may be worthwhile having a huge heart to heart with her & let her know how you feel & ask her if there is anything else you can do to make things better for you both.

I would tell your DP is she insists on ignoring you in your own home, then she is not welcome in it. Why on earth should you leave your own home when she is the one being a brat! No way would I put up with that!

insist that he meets her away from the house. You have a DP problem for sure.

i won't lend her money as she is on a good wage dispite pleading poverty

Where is your partner in all this?

She sounds like an adult, spoilt brat who’s been hugely indulged by her father and he’s inadvertently created a rather unpleasant woman.
I’d be pulling back from going OTT with her, just do the basic stuff to maintain a civil relationship.
She doesn’t appreciate your efforts anyway.

Actively encouraged her into your lives - but that's not the case, you have come into her and her fathers life, not the other way around.

You will always just be dads new girlfriend and not part of her family. I had it for years 15 years. I just let them get on with it and it all changed when she had children and I was there for her, I helped more than her mum (who she now sees her as the twisted bitter waste of space that she is - who actually fuelled her daughters behaviour towards me) and now we get on great and are really close. Unfortunately, it is hard, but you are definitely looking at it from the wrong angle, you came into her life, not the other way around

Don’t do passive aggression.

Either your DP has to address the rudeness or you do. This isn’t a child of newly divorced parents that you tip toe around, this is a grown woman.

None of the angry muttering nonsense. Have a direct conversation, call her out on it when it’s happening. Or tell your DP that is what will happen if he doesn’t address it with her. Then if it persists, stand up for yourself. She doesn’t respect you because you are bending over backwards for this adult woman who ignores you.

Op this could be my post. My adult step daughter acts exactly the same way and since Ive stopped being in her life it's been bliss.
She lives 3 hours away and is here in her hometown for her birthday (only comes when she is getting something) and my DH has just spend the day with her. Myself and my DD went and had a day out to ourselves and it was brilliant. No drama, no sly digs, no being ignored, no getting treated like crap and it was same at Christmas I didn't see her, bought her nothing. Matched her energy so to speak and had such a lovely, relaxing time. You need to do the same.
I told my DH she is not welcome in our home. That I'm not being treated like shit in my own home so if she can't act decently then she's not welcome, but tbf shes only been once and doesn't like coming over.

Match her energy. Have some self respect and stop pandering to her. You'll feel much better in yourself.

Absolutely this
Tbh I find it manipulative to shower someone with gifts and treats to try to change them

She seems horrendous but this is on your partner, really. Why is he letting her get away with it?

My Daf is on his third or fourth relationship since divorcing my mum. They divorced when I was a young adult. I dont know their birthdays or much about them. I am not close to my dad like this girl is but I also dont see why I'd have to text someone happy birthday. Does she even know it's your birthday ? Does she know that youre buying these presents? Does she expect them? I dont particularly want photos of my dad's partners (for starters I never know how long it will last!). I just dont feel close to them. I am not being rude, I just dont know them much.
Just pull back. She's an adult, she doesn't need you to parent her or to fuss over her. So dont. Leave that to your DP. Be pleasant and nice, that is all that is required of you. No more

Being a partner is tough.
OP is not just a girlfriend, she’s been in this relationship for 5 years and live together.
It is rude to go into anyone’s home and speak to one person, and freeze out the other.
The father here is not thinking about his partner at all. How would his daughter feel if her dad ignored her boyfriend and was rude.
Yes, she is close to her dad and has little relationship with her mum but she’s not a child.
She’s a grown woman with her own partner and her own life.
She knows exactly what she’s doing and is not thinking about her dad - if OP said she’s had enough, that means he loses his own partner.
I was very, very close to my dad after my mum died. I respected his choice to meet someone else and we had a respectful relationship until he passed away.
And by pandering to this young woman he’s not helping her. He’s teaching her to be dependant on him.
OP, drop the rope and start concentrating on your own life. If the daughter visits and ignores you call her out, say you’d rather not be ignored in your own home, don’t leave, take yourself off and go and watch a lovely box set with your feet up.
Stop providing anything other than a simple card on occasions. Her dad can provide the rest.
Adults can be parents and still have their own lives and should not be held hostage by adult children. One day the parent won’t be there any more. You can have a very close relationship with your parent/s, it’s lovely if that can be enjoyed in adulthood, but behaviour like this doesn’t help anyone involved.

Were you both raised to have no manners too then?
I would be disgustinged if my adult child didn't even say thank you when someone has done something nice for them. She sounds like a spoilt brat and I'd take a massive step back.

I agree with @PlazzyScouser that ultimately, an adult child wants a relationship with the parent, not the new partner (I’ve had this in terms of my experience of DF’s partner after my DM died). Personally I am very polite, but I’d say after an unsustainably high effort from both sides at the start, DF’s partner and me have settled into a polite but low effort/distant relationship. I’m glad for DF she’s in his life, we don’t happen to have loads in common (which is fine) but honestly, there’s no need for more. I think if you totally step back on the effort, it’ll be easier to ‘see’ what remains of her active rudeness. It’ll also be easier to negotiate with your DP, because you can only offer any effort where she offers basic politeness back. But mainly, I’d just avoid seeing her where possible

Don't keep on keeping the peace. You've bent over backwards and she's still horrible to you?
My eldest sister is like this, it doesn't matter what you do for her she's never satisfied. My other sister lost patience with her before I did, I wanted to make sure I had a relationship with her kids but her behaviour towards our dad when our mum died was the last straw.
You don't need to behave differently Infront of her, but when she asks for something or for you to do something, say you can't. Don't buy her as much for Christmas etc. She doesn't deserve your kindness or generosity

never so much as sends me a birthday card

Not a single person sends birthday cards these days. I sincerely hope nobody judges my character based on a physical card in the post because I've never sent one in my life, and I'm middle aged as well, not some young Gen Z. A Whatsapp message has conveniently replaced that and it's much better for the environment too.

I do think some of your language is strange and worth reflecting on as it may be causing problems. A few people have pointed out that she isn't your step daughter for starters. Why have you 'actively encouraged 1:1 time' for example?. Would your partner not make the effort himself to see his daughter? Why does he need you involved? I think the default from her point if view is she wants to see her Dad and is not that keen on you being there. Equally, you have tried but don't like her very much - but still seem to be expecting to be part of the relationship with her Dad. Can you not just be busy when she visits? Say hi but just get on with something you would rather do? Why is she asking to borrow money from you? Or your car? Do you mean she is actually asking to borrow money from her Dad and you have an opinion about it? Is it a shared car? I understand that it is hurtful but I would just detach. And try not take it personally.

Your step daughter isn’t the problem… your partner is. can’t you see that?

She is monumentally rude to you. He says nothing. In your own home.

Why isn’t he making it very clear to her that he expects her to treat you with respect when she visits?

Hes being totally weak.

Stop turning yourself inside out for her and stand up for yourself!

She needs to grow up, she is 26 not a child. She is treating you like dirt. Cut back on everything you are doing for her she is ungrateful . Yes it might just be a photo but it is pointed that she doesn't want you on it. It is about time she learnt some manners and respect towards you. It's appalling behaviour.

Don’t give her the satisfaction of knowing she’s upset you.

next time she comes just leave the room or sit and scroll on your phone.

It sounds like she's done a little research on MN and believes, like so many on here, that it's OK to be rude to anyone who dares to be in a relationship with her father.

Unfortunately, she sounds like she feels justified so there's nothing you can do, just pretend she's a friend of his that you don't like and try not to be around too much when she's there.

Don't 'mutter' anything under your breath though - that's immature and annoying whoever you're doing it to.

My taking from this is that she isn't the needy one - you are.

She sounds bad mannered, grabby and entitled but she has everything she needs with minimal effort expected from her . She gets all her material needs and wants met as well lots of time and attention from her partner, her dad and you.

You, OTOH are bending over backwards to be worthy of respect and attention from her and your partner and getting very little back in return.

There's no point in 'correcting' her. She's an adult and not your child or responsibility. You might as well try and correct the behaviour of a stranger in a supermarket. Any necessary corrections need to be done by her parents. This hasn't happened yet so it probably won't happen soon if ever

It sounds like you generally have a good partner so I'd stick with it but remember - the only behaviour you can change is your own.

Stop trying to curry favour by going all out at Christmas and birthdays. Let her Dad make the effort there and with practical help. Concentrate your time, money and effort on your own DC and your elderly parents.

Let her see her dad on her own. Be pleasant and civil to her when your paths cross. Don't let her provoke you into an argument.

Don't criticise her to her dad. His first loyalty should be to his daughter so any criticisms of her (and therefore his parenting) could drive a wedge between you. That might be what she wants. Don't make him feel the need to defend her. If he criticises her or expresses doubts about her behaviour, agree mildly 'Yes, That was a bit rude/over the top or whatever' and move the conversation on.

If she learns she can't 'win' or score points by being rude or trying to cut you out she might stop trying. 26 is very young. She has plenty of time to mature. I was an arrogant brat at that age but 40 years later I'm a delight!

Talks to her like shite, never a Birthday card or gift, never a thanks, barely acknowledges her, always want, want, want & me, me, me. You think that's okay?

I don’t think 26 is too old to get her to show respect in your house. But ultimately it’s him she comes to see and I think it would make your life calmer if you go for a nice walk or find some you time when she’s there otherwise she will drive you insane. Maybe when you back off she will start to realise what she is missing, or maybe her plan is what happened to the last partner. Don’t let her win

Exactly. It’s the OP’s expectations that are causing the resentment here.

Don’t do this, you’ll just look petty and lowering yourself. Muttering “do I exist” and walking out is going to solve nothing. When she comes to visit do you all sit around in the living room and she just doesn’t speak to you? Do you speak to her? Is just act normal, insert myself into conversation. Surely her boyfriend and your partner don’t ignore you too. Otherwise Just busy yourself doing jobs but don’t make a thing of it, say hello brightly and offer a cup of tea, then just get on with your day.
I’m curious to know what your partner says about all this though?