If it's ok, we'll all come

[Lights22]

As an autistic mum pretending to be a normal mum around all the other mums pretending to be normal mums, I need your help with this please.

Invitations have gone out for DD's birthday party at soft play. Messages of delight, excitement and acceptance all duly come in. Then this one: "she'd love to come. If it's ok, we'll all come. Me, DH and little sister (3)".

So, is the mum asking for an extra party ticket?? Free entry to soft play + food + party bag, or is she just saying younger sister will just be in tow?

And if it's the extra ticket, how do I skillfully say of course come but pay your own way?

Remember, I'm trying to look normal and nice and kind and not overthinky or stingey. Just setting a boundary like a normal person!

Just to say, when our DD was invited to a soft play party, we all went too but paid our own entry for younger DD, got our own food and kept her away from the party. So this could be what they're thinking too? But if so, why ask?!

I don’t think she’s expecting you to pay. Just say ‘yeah of course, pretty sure you can just pay on the door, we look forward to seeing you’. She’s probably just checking you don’t mind siblings being at the party, and it’s in a public place so I’d guess that’s fine.

Oh no. That's a bit tough for anyone. We paid for DS's best friend's little sister as their dad works nights and it was the only way their mum could bring the friend. But I told the mum this when we invited them.

Erm... I don't know. I'd maybe say lovely, I've paid for 10 spots for DS's friends but it should be fine to pay for their DD on arrival. I think.

It doesn't matter what she's asking for the answer is, of course you can come the public price for children is £x and adults £y or whatever is appropriate

Is it that much of a big deal for an extra little one? I’ve always had spare spaces (eg people who can’t make it or venue for X amount but invited less) cause someone always says this. I feel like a ‘normal
mum’ would say no problem but an ND one would say something like what you’ve put.
If it really is a problem, you could say the party is only booked for X amount so little sister will need to buy her own ticket. However that comes across stingy and weird IMO.

Agree with PP that's the likely outcome but you can clarify by saying of course, you can book little sister's ticket on the website/pay on the door.

My sympathies as well trying to navigate this type of thing! Really think I may be ND, rest of my family are and I really struggle with ambiguous communication, other people's expectations, trying not to come across wrong and anxiety around it. It's so tough! Hope the party goes well and not too tiring for you x

I think it's worth making it clear the invite was for the friend only. As others have said you can be polite about it and say that's not a problem, you can pay entry on the door and they have a food menu if you wanted to buy them a meal when the party guests are having food.

'Of course, the more, the merrier. You can pay for extra children at the door.'

I would do little one a party bag though, if you know she's coming.

This is the best response. It makes it clear that you’ve only paid for X number of invited children, and she’ll need to pay for her other child if she brings her.

this is a failure of etiquette on her part, not yours. It’s rude and inappropriate to say “we’ll all come” when one child has been invited - she’s not even really asking if it’s ok with you, she’s decided they’re coming! So don’t sweat it. She should be embarrassed, not you.

I would do this too. I did a few extra party bags in case anyone else came to pick up the child. Definitely be clear about they are welcome to buy an extra ticket and join in

Doesn't sound like she's expecting you to pay.

Just say "Yeah sure, the entrance fee is X amount but unfortunately she won't be allowed in the party bit as they're very strict with numbers. See you there!"

Dear Mum, DH and little sister (3). You are very welcome to come! But can I ask for you and DH to pay for your own adult tickets, and we'll pay for DSis (3). Looking forward to seeing you all, Lights22

How incredibly condescending about ND people, it’s not one size fits all. It’s actually quite offensive.
Are you always quite so ghastly ?

Are YOU?

Are you talking to me? What was ghastly?

Eh?

Huh?

Hold on, I'm just getting the popcorn out...

Well, that went a bit weird!

I like pp’s suggestion of saying yeah, no problem, pretty sure you can pay at door, or words to that effect. Personally, I’d make up a couple of extra party bags, but there’s definitely no obligation to do this.

“Yes of course! Would be great to see you all. You’ll be able to pay for your dd on the door. See you then xx”

@ExpressCheckout why should OP pay for someone who wasn't invited?

@Lights22 just say as per the suggestions that they can pay on the door for the sister

I think it was rude of the mum not to say, " Is it Ok for me, DH and sibling to come aswell? We'll pay for ourselves of course" or something like that to indicate that she is not intending to freeload and will cover those costs. The child attending the party will (I presume) have been paid for.

The fact that she omitted to clarify that she would pay for the extras is a bit thoughtless I think.

If it was DD’s party and there was space available or 1 extra child wouldn’t make much of a difference, I’d just say great and cover the sibling.

if it’s taking you over the allocated spaces, I’d say “unfortunately we’re at our max numbers for the party, but you can contact them to see if there’s spaces available for that slot”

Yeah but if you invite 10 kids and everyone brought an extra kid whether they asked or not that leaves the parent paying for 20 kids. So yeah it is a big deal. Nothing stingy about just paying for the kids you invited. It's actually quite stingy to expect someone to pay for your child that's not invited. Party =Free day out at soft play..
I always found the parents that brought a sibling along and left them to join the party were the ones blunt enough to say no siblings when they were hosting.

Why would she offer to pay for a child who's not invited? If all the other parents then send a similar message should she pay for all them too?

There's no suggestion that the other mum is asking for a paid for space for the sibling

The message does say “If it’s ok…”

Perhaps say something like “that would be ok, but I only have tickets for DD and her friends so you, DH and little Flossie will need to get tickets when you arrive”.

I think it’s a bit cheeky, myself.