If it's ok, we'll all come

[Lights22]

As an autistic mum pretending to be a normal mum around all the other mums pretending to be normal mums, I need your help with this please.

Invitations have gone out for DD's birthday party at soft play. Messages of delight, excitement and acceptance all duly come in. Then this one: "she'd love to come. If it's ok, we'll all come. Me, DH and little sister (3)".

So, is the mum asking for an extra party ticket?? Free entry to soft play + food + party bag, or is she just saying younger sister will just be in tow?

And if it's the extra ticket, how do I skillfully say of course come but pay your own way?

Remember, I'm trying to look normal and nice and kind and not overthinky or stingey. Just setting a boundary like a normal person!

Just to say, when our DD was invited to a soft play party, we all went too but paid our own entry for younger DD, got our own food and kept her away from the party. So this could be what they're thinking too? But if so, why ask?!

I don’t see where autistic or ‘normal’ (sigh) comes into the equation; it’s a tricky situation for anyone.

You asked for advice, so if it were me, I’d reply ‘great! The fee would be £x for sibling, you can pay at the gate. Looking forward to seeing you all!’

I assume this was the post that the other poster was causing ghastly not the OP.

Tbh I'd be relaxed about an extra one too and think it's true that there are often no shows but it's rude to assume this is no big deal. She should have offered to pay her way and then you could have, if you wanted, offered to extend the booking. I think I would say that you have booked for x children but extras are welcome to pay on the door. That way it sounds like it's a rule for everyone who might bring siblings.

You’ve had several good replies you can message back, stating that they’re welcome, but will have to pay for sibling themselves.

But why does it have to be a family outing? Why can’t the dh (or the dm) of the sibling stay at home and look after the three year old?

It's really normal for this to happen but I have had cheeky fuckers add it to my bill.
I'd reply with 'no problem, it's open to the public during the party'

However, it’s been my experience that people do this and then hang around the party area at the least, so that it feels mean not to include the other child with food and cake, but then it is really awkward at the end when there is no party bag for the unexpected child.

So have you hired out the entire soft play for your 15 party guests?

Or have you paid for 15 party guests to attend a larger publically open soft play?

If it’s the second, it’s easy like everyone said, tell her it’s fine to bring her other one along, she can pay on the door.

If you’ve paid to hire the whole place for a party, and the cost is per head, and allowing another child in would mean the only way to pay is to increase the party booking, then it’s more awkward as she can’t pay on the door, she’d have to pay you for another place, or you’d have to just pay it.

Bloody hate this, my son had 2 friends who had little brothers who would tag onto everything, one of them was ok, one of them was a little shit who would normally end up being the centre of attention!

Why does bloody dad have to come as well.

I would respond, lovely, but the party room and bags are restricted to 15 so you'll have to pay on the door xx

”of course that’s fine, party place is still open to the public whilst the party is happening so you can just pay on the door” I never paid for extra siblings but if there was extra cake leftover, I’d hand over a piece to them at the end. Just be bright and breezy about saying it, it’s totally normal!

people are annoying when this happens, I always said x will love to come, sibling is coming too but we’ll pay for them at the door and sort their food etc of course

I’d just say, yes of course, it’s open to everyone. Some others are bringing siblings too, so just pay at the door. The party room itself is only set up for the 15 invitees, so if you can provide snacks etc for sibling

I hate this, why can't one of the parents look after the other kid. There's always families who turn up en masse, who likes soft play that much?!

Quick text to say "great, you'll need to pay for little DC and extra adult at the door or online and the party room is just for the kids from the class, thanks". I don't provide food or extra party bags for siblings, that's up for the parents to manage not me.

If you’re autistic you won’t necessarily know that this is tricky for everyone. If you find navigating social norms tricky and everyone else seems to find it ok then naturally as an autistic person you will question yourself and maybe assume other people know the secret code for this particular social situation.

Your post is very dismissive the OP’s lived experience as an autistic woman. If it’s tricky for everyone it’s probably even trickier for someone with ASD.

This always used to happen when ds was small. I just used to say “yes it’s fine, it’s £££ for general entry but check the website for food orders info if you want to buy yourselves and sibling food”.

One extra might not make that much of a difference but everyone bringing one or more siblings and an extra parent absolutely would - the parent doesn't know they're the only one who has asked! For all they know every other guest will do the same (and some won't even ask and will just rock up with the whole family in tow!)

The venue will have h&s codes - it will have allocated approx 20 spaces to the party and know it can therefore let in x additional paying people. If 40 people are at ops party that's not something they were planning for. Not to mention the venue will expect op to pay for all the extra kids!

Same with op buying food and a cake that will feed 10 kids, not 20. She might have one spare party bag but she won't have made 10 extra. And of course it's not fair on dd to go from a party with her closest friends to a party where she doesn't even know half the guests, many of which are much younger children she has to be careful around, or who start crying randomly/throwing tantrums.

It would be better of the mum to explain exactly what she meant "thanks for the invite, I will bring dd. Just to let you know dh will probably come along and pay for dd2 to use the soft play too, but we will keep her away from the party!"

That way if op wanted to she could say "oh don't worry about it, we have space for dd2 too" but otherwise could just reply "great! Thanks!" (and can still give the younger dd a slice of cake or something if there was food left over, or let her in if someone dropped out last minute).

Yanbu.
Many other parents face this.

You just clarify that "yes that is fine, you can pay for her sibling at the door".

Hope it is a lovely party.

I don’t agree with this response.

I really dont think the other mum did expect a free ticket but - if she did - she is the stingy/rude one. Would you ever invite yourself or a family member to an event and expect to be paid for? Are you suggesting OP should? I dont know anyone who would consider this good manners.

OP is asking for help and clarity and your comments about what an ND mum would do and them appearing “weird and stingy” are not kind or polite and just seem designed to cause self-doubt.

Yes, that’s a good reply and solution

Just say that's fine, but I only block booked tickets for the invited children. And it might be a bit rough for the little one if she wants to get her own ticket and join in.

I agree with you. This drives me mad. There’s a family at school like this. The whole family shows up to everything, dad chomps his way through party food. It is not a family day out.

OP, the mum showed very poor etiquette by not making clear she would pay for the sibling. You are well within your rights replying along the lines of the suggestions here, making clear that party is for x number of people and she can pay for sibling.

Just message her back to say that's okay but they should be aware that there is only food and party bags for the children who have been invited so can she manage expectations with those that weren't included in the invite?

Nobody is normal love and if parents are trying to get freebies just explain you can only afford tickets for your child's friehds and if they want other children to come they have to pay

Ive been in this situ...my ND ass just calls and books extra tickets to avoid confrontation/dsappointing anyone.

I am doormat though, and people being angry scares me.

Is there food included in the party package? If so, I'd also make it clear that the extra child cannot enter the party room due to numbers. So "of course, you can pay in at the door for your other dc but please be aware unfortunately she won't be able to enter the party room as they are very strict about numbers".

I did a soft play + food package once, and I knew that some parents were bringing siblings that they would pay for. I said on the invitation that the party room was only for party children as it was prepaid by the number of attendees, so unfortunately siblings could not enter. Well, three families planted extra siblings at the party tables and started feeding them before I'd even noticed. One of them even had the audacity to tell the caterers that the child didn't like pizza, so to bring chips instead (on my bill!). The other party children then started asking for chips too. There wasn't enough pizza for the party children and the venue charged a ridiculous amount for the extra. I was RAGING and vowed to do drop and run parties only in future.

Yes id say this, we have in the past thrown parties where 6...yes 6! Siblings tagged along and expected to be part of the party and be fed too . I think its really rude to assume when 1 child has been invited that older siblings can come too but people seem.to.think thats normal?

Why do parents do this ? Are they not able to tell their darlings that they're not actually invited to the party ? Just let the sibling go to the party and everyone else in the family do something else. It's not hard.

She is a CF er bringing the extra kid.