If it's ok, we'll all come

[Lights22]

As an autistic mum pretending to be a normal mum around all the other mums pretending to be normal mums, I need your help with this please.

Invitations have gone out for DD's birthday party at soft play. Messages of delight, excitement and acceptance all duly come in. Then this one: "she'd love to come. If it's ok, we'll all come. Me, DH and little sister (3)".

So, is the mum asking for an extra party ticket?? Free entry to soft play + food + party bag, or is she just saying younger sister will just be in tow?

And if it's the extra ticket, how do I skillfully say of course come but pay your own way?

Remember, I'm trying to look normal and nice and kind and not overthinky or stingey. Just setting a boundary like a normal person!

Just to say, when our DD was invited to a soft play party, we all went too but paid our own entry for younger DD, got our own food and kept her away from the party. So this could be what they're thinking too? But if so, why ask?!

Drives me nuts. Had it happen a few times but the worst culprit was when we hired a venue with a set number of kids. Invited friend and their younger sibling due to sibling always wanting to be friends. Younger sibling spent most of the party crying (attention seeking) wanting to go home. Eventually I called parent to collect. As soon as parent arrived (furious), they didn't want to go home.
The next year, booked an activity party (private party venue so fixed numbers again) and did not invite sibling. At school, the mum came up to me to ask where siblings invite was. I explained fixed numbers so no can do. On the day, Mum called me to say she had parked but wasn't sure where the party was. I popped to meet her thinking I could take the child to the venue. Nope, Mum, Dad, invited child and sibling all have to traipse to venue to 'have a look'. Then Mum asked how many people the venue could hold for the activities, had I booked the maximum etc, all whilst uninvited child stood there with wobbling bottom lip.
Turned out this was standard MO. Most people gave in and let sibling stay apparently, even though they pulled the whole 'I want to go home' stunt every time. Also happened at soft play with Mum, Dad and two extra siblings who wanted to stay in the party room the whole time (and were trying to eat the food whilst it was being set out) and then asked where the extra kids party bags were at the end.

I would say oh yes, I'm sure you'll be able to pay on the door. I'll make up an extra party bag so that they don't feel left out.

Whos going to watch the little one on the soft play? Hopefully they're not expecting a bit of free childcare

Just say that you are pretty sure you can pay on the door for siblings and cafe does food, but maybe say if someone doesn’t turn up on the day she is welcome to eat their food. That way you’re making it clear she can come, but she’s not part of the party. Not sure why one parent can’t stay home though, rather than all go. I’d probably take an extra party bag for her, but no obligation.

I'll never understand these people who can't just let their children go to a party without turning it into a family affair.

I always said "Yep, it's open to the public so you should be able to pay for Uninvited Child at the door." And I would stay at the entrance to give out the armbands/stickers to invited children.

You have to be a bit ballsy but friendly. When the time comes for the party room, just make sure they don't try to push her in. Say "oh I'll take Invited Child so you can stay here with Uninvited Child" then walk away. It's the only way. Some people treat parties like the social events of the year, you have to nip this stuff in the bud!

Thanks again, everyone. Appreciate you all taking the time.

The reason I asked is, at a previous party, I had a similar message so I took it to mean the sibling was just tagging along. But she ate the food and expected a party bag too. Admittedly, that was in a hall so I could be flexible with numbers if I'd thought to be, but I just wouldn't dream of imposing my other child on others by inviting them to a party they're not invited to!

My mind boggles.

But saying that, even if I had no choice but do drag a sibling along with me (eg DH away/at work) I'd still provide my own food and pre-empt them not getting a party bag so have something in the car for them!!!

Also, for the few people objecting to my use of the word normal, I guess humour doesn't come through so well when written down. I thought we were all out here faking until we made it, no matter our neuro type!

You could always message back and say yes of course, the place is open to people who aren't part of the party, it's £X per ticket, pay at the door/counter/online at wwwxx and you'll be able to order her some snacks at the counter.

It's rude to expect you to pay or provide a party bag, if that's the case.

I don't think it's rude to bring the toddler along to a soft play. Birthday parties take up almost every bloody weekend at primary age, they totally ruin the day as you can't go do something as a family as they're all early afternoon, but your child is excited so you have to facilitate it, so you might as well take the sibling along.

I only have the 1 child but I totally get why parents would want the sibling to tag along.

This is why drop and go parties are the only way, IMO. Invited child goes to the party, other kids get brought to a playground/park etc.

I actually think some others have made a good point. It does seem quite cheeky to mention and sounds like a family day out as there are two parents and one could stay home with the other child. I would not be saying anything about including the sibling in the numbers or having a party bag prepared. So many other kids will have siblings so where do you draw the line. I think it's definitely worth noting in your reply that they will need to pay for entry and food for the sibling to ensure it's clear they aren't expecting you to pay for them.

Blimey poor party child always having annoying siblings tacked on. Tye invite is for a child and parent if they can’t manage alone but it’s not a family free for all. It’s meant to be a special time for the birthday child and their friends not random people. I thought you always left your child at parties left mine when she was 2 ! But she was quite assertive!!

'Hi, thats fine. But unfortuntly the room is only booked for a certain amount of children
So little one wont be allowed in there.
But im sure you can pay at the door for entry fee and theres a cafe to get little one lunch.
See you there

Unless they are a family friend, I would never dream of inviting my other child along as well, especially if there are two parents and the other parent can look after the sibling. If it wa unavoidable I'd st least ask not just assume.

DD has only had hall type parties up to now, the first one there were quite a few tag along siblings and I did feel obliged to scrounge up extra party bags for them and found it quite stressful. The second one I had extra sweet cones anyway but I did run out before a few siblings got one and I just though tough luck by that point.

For a soft okay it’s worse, though I think the suggested responses are fine. If you want to be really clear ‘yes sure, there’s only 15 places at the party and those are full with DD’s friends but if you’re happy to cover sibling’s entrance and any food then by all means. Good idea to bring your DH to watch the younger one as obviously we’ll be busy with the party guests.’

I can see at a push why you’d make it a family thing if for example they were going somewhere as a family before or after. We have lots of parties early in the morning lately, and so it’s conceivable we’d want to do something as a family together afterwards. That said, DH would be the first to say ‘you go I’ll skip it’ if he can at all get away with it, and when I make him do a kids party as his turn no way am I wasting my time tagging along!

Just reply that you've prepaid for x number of children so if anyone wants to bring a sibling they'll need to buy an extra ticket.

Presuming the venue can just add an extra person onto the party package that includes cake/snacks?

If not then you might need to say you're welcome to get a ticket to the soft play, but unfortunately it's too late to add to the catering order, so cake etc may not be available.

If you're doing your own food I guess you can just add on a bit more if you don't mind too much.

Or you could just politely decline and say, sorry it's fully booked so no siblings add ons this time I'm afraid.

It can often cost €20/€25 per child. No decent person would expect the party hosts to pay this for a sibling of an invited child. And it would be incredibly rude of the parent if they did expect this. They wouldn't know if an invited child couldn't make it.

OP, I expect they meant, would it be OK for them to be in the play centre with their other child while the party is going on. I agree, it is a bit odd of them to ask that though. I would reply something like " Of course it's fine! X's party is for 10 children but it's no problem for you guys to hang around the centre . You can just pay at the door for sibling"

'Yes it'll be fine to pay for Younger Sibling on the door. I've only booked party tea for 15 and that's confirmed now so you'll need to get her any food she wants, but I'll keep her a slice of birthday cake. See you there!'

My children are older but we had a few parents do this years ago for our first child’s party. I said yes, presuming they just meant they were bringing siblings along and wondered why they were telling me, but it turned out that some thought we’d pay and make them part of the party with a meal and party bag. One had a strop and went home. 🤪

In future years, when asked, we just said of course you can as it’s open to the public so they can just pay on the door for any other kids they bring and told them that the place sells food and drinks if needed, which seemed to get the message across.

I suppose it is a big deal if you have a certain budget, also if you say yes and pay for one sibling others may expect the same.I always tell parents that I have paid and booked for a certain amount only Just be clear and honest.

Make it clear now that she'll be paying.
IME most parents pay for their child, but I have had a few that think I'd pay for the extra places. We've always gone to a pay per head venue.

It’s not just that, ime when you book a soft play party, you book it for a certain number of children, often with kids picking their meals beforehand so the venue are expecting to do a certain number of each meal/food box etc. The party bags are sometimes included so you can’t just magic up another bag or 5 because you get the number of bags you have booked for. The child’s name that is invited is on the invitation, it’s cheeky and weird to think you can just being other children.

Honestly OP, you are the ‘normal’ one here, some people are just really cheeky. There are so many of theses cheeky people about who will take advantage of situations and they rely on people feeling to awkward to tell them no.

I'd be very clear, like the pp, whose post I've slightly amended

“unfortunately we’re at our max numbers for the party, but you can contact them to see if there are public tickets available for that slot. There's also a cafe available"

I have read enough threads on here to know that it is very likely that she intends her younger child to take part in all aspects of the party. If it's a party package and you have paid for, say 10 kids, including food and party bag .. then be clear..

Great that Sophie can come! Kate will be delighted. We have booked the party room for DD and her friends. I am sure that you, DH and DD3 will enjoy the main area which remains open to the public, here is the link so you can see the entrance prices and the food options.

I'd just say no sorry you can't accommodate extra children. Its ridiculous and quite rude to ask for an extra invitation imho.