Gf’s birthday - she seems hurt that I might wor

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Sorry - **work!!!

Hi all, I just need to check if I’m being unreasonable

My girlfriend’s birthday is coming up. The last few years we’ve spent her birthday abroad.
A few weeks ago, she told me she wasn’t fussed about doing anything this year and that it wasn’t a big deal - it’s not a big birthday.

At work, my leave runs from January to December and I’m not sure how much leave I’ll need this year, so I wasn’t planning around her birthday specifically. She has the day off.
She mentioned another work colleague has the week off and this friend had suggested they go for lunch on her birthday.
Since she often says she doesn’t have many friends, I thought it might be nice for her to see someone different. I also said we could celebrate her birthday together the next day (Saturday)

But tonight she asked me again if I’m booking it off. I was confused and she got upset because I didn’t seem to want to book the day off. She cried a little and seemed to feel lonely and insecure. She also said she felt like a “sad case” for not having many friends while I socialise a lot.

I said it wasn’t about not wanting to, and I got frustrated because she wasn’t fully honest about her feelings in the moment (she said it was fine the other day?) she says she was trying, but her brain gets tangled between feelings and “shoulds.” (As in she’s worried that it’s not normal to work your partners birthday, or it means I don’t love her). I told her she should trust me and that I’d never be phased by her working on my birthday.

Now she seems to feel hurt or like I don’t care about her birthday. But I genuinely want her to feel valued and happy… I even got excited when she mentioned her colleague wanted to do something for her. I just want her to see that people care about her, and I suggested the friend option in that spirit.

AIBU for thinking it’s okay for her to spend her birthday with a friend and that I don’t have to take the day off, when I’m already planning to celebrate with her on Saturday?

She's being childish. Why do grown adults expect people to drop everything to celebrate their birthday?

Are you a young couple? I could imagine this is something I would of got upset over in my late teens when I was much more insecure and young.

Did she say she was taking the day off work for her birthday? I think it’s a bit odd to throw this at you on a Wednesday 2 days before her birthday as if you should of read her mind.

You are celebrating at the weekend, so no I don’t think YABU

She needs to grow up.

Unless you are working the entire 24 hours of her birthday, you'll see her and be able to do something. I don't know anyone who takes a partner's or spouse's birthday off work, unless they're going out of town or something. Does she take off work for your birthday?

Of course you're not being unreasonable - you've made plans to celebrate with her on another day and that was fine until she unilaterally decided it wasn't.

Lots of people don't have the luxury of taking time off to celebrate their partner's birthday on the actual day. Does she take your birthday off work by the way?

I'm sorry I have to agree with those who say she is being unreasonable and frankly quite childish too. She has plans for the day, nice plans. If she is genuinely concerned that her social world is small then the way to deal with that is to take up a few hobbies, invest a bit more in her existing friendships, not to cry about it or to expect you to plug all of the gaps in her leisure time.

Very immature assuming she is an adult and not a 12 year old.

Would find the crying over this a massive and manipulative red flag. She needs to grow up, most adults don't even take their own birthdays off.

She’s turning 27 and yes I did know she had the day off already (she always does) but she told me she didn’t want to do much this year. I was just trying to be practical and I was happy for her that a friend had offered to take her out!
She does usually take my birthday off yes but it’s near Christmas so it’s quiet anyway

What sort of interaction does she have with her wider family on her birthday. Does anyone contact her or wish her a happy birthday or is it all on you?

Well at 27 I do think she’s being immature.

And if she wanted you to take the day off or wanted to do something she should of planned it with you before hand, not 2 days in advance.

Oh it’s not in two days it’s in a few weeks but yes, she did say she didn’t want a big deal

How long have you been together?

It would be a red flag to me if my 27 year old partner was crying and wondering if I didn’t love them for not booking their birthday off even though they told me prior they was going for lunch with a colleague and didn’t mention doing anything together.

as someone who used to be insecure you can end up being controlling (even if you don’t realise) and the tears and the “do you love me if you don’t book my birthday off”is. Red flag

Our birthdays are in late autumn so never the kind of days for doing stuff. Wouldn't occur to me to take the day off

My partner and I always take the day off for each others birthday and go out for a nice lunch somewhere. But, if she's not communicated any plans with you or let you know what she fancies doing then she's being unreasonable.

She does sound like she's having a OTT wobbly about it. Is she normally like this or is something else going on?

Is her birthday a touchy subject for her?

Personally I’ve never heard of taking the day off for a birthday unless there’s some big plan involved (ie dinner would have been fine for me) but i also recognise I’m really sensitive about my birthday and tend to place high expectations on my boyfriend… there’s context for it and I know it’s silly, maybe there’s something similar going on with her?

Saying that, getting upset after saying she didn’t want to do anything is not okay and sounds like she was trying to “test” you, which wouldn’t land well with me.

Good grief.

Is she this immature generally? She sounds like hard work.

I never took my birthday off in my whole life. I only worked 4 days a week so there were years when I didn't work anyway.

Except my 60th. I took it off and my husband took me for lunch. I'm still here.

(My dad took my mum to new York on Concorde for her 60th!! Somewhat jealous and he kept it a surprise until they got to the Concorde check in desk!)

I assume her birthday might be a difficult day for her? Lots of special occasion sort of days are hard for me due to being estranged from my family and past trauma causing ptsd. My last three birthdays have been terrible as a result. I’m in my 50s and I don’t think I’m hard work like other posters are implying your gf is.

Over the last three birthdays I’ve had parent forget I had a big birthday, parent call and worry me sick all day as no idea where they are and have split from my step parent, other parent go on holiday on my birthday two years in a row and not call, a death on my birthday two year ago and three years ago a huge falling out with a friend, oh and a friend arranging to see me for my birthday and then changing their mind So it’s been trying and hard as all of that is on top of the stuff I’m already trying to cope with. I don’t even want to celebrate my birthday anymore.

all that aside my OH and I tend to do something on either both of our birthdays only a month apart or a week off for one and not the other depending on the age or occasion. We’ve holidayed on one birthday and so on. And we usually do something on the birthday weekend. last year we celebrated his more as with bank holidays we were able to have 18 days break together.

if your GFs birthday is a Friday then make her breakfast in bed before you go to work with a card and a gift and some money for her day out and then you cook a nice meal in the evening or a takeaway. Then she can see her friend during the day. Then have your day together on the Saturday. Sorry your GF is feeling a bit down.

Couldnt be doing with this.

I hate people who set you up to fail. So she said she didnt want a fuss so when you didnt plan to make one, she turned on the waterworks and said it makes her wonder if you love her. So fucking manipulative, because whatever you had done it would have been wrong.

Rethink the relationship, go back....is this a pattern? I would bet that if you are really honest with yourself, it is. Even silly things like "I dont mind what we have for dinner, you choose" turns into "I didnt want Chinese, why did you order it?"

Sounds a bit needy.

She sounds exhausting. Is this really the person you want? A 27 year old crying because you’re working on her birthday, but planing a lovely day the next day.

Honestly, I couldn’t be bothered with that. She’d need to grow up or I’d be out.

She sounds manipulative and toxic

Get out while you can. Life's too short to put up with that shit.

I don't know any adult it work love or live around that takes a day off for a birthday lol very childish

I assume you mean you don't know anyone who takes a day off work for their birthday or a partner's birthday?

I know some who do sometimes. Not many though.