Gf’s birthday - she seems hurt that I might wor

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Sorry - **work!!!

Hi all, I just need to check if I’m being unreasonable

My girlfriend’s birthday is coming up. The last few years we’ve spent her birthday abroad.
A few weeks ago, she told me she wasn’t fussed about doing anything this year and that it wasn’t a big deal - it’s not a big birthday.

At work, my leave runs from January to December and I’m not sure how much leave I’ll need this year, so I wasn’t planning around her birthday specifically. She has the day off.
She mentioned another work colleague has the week off and this friend had suggested they go for lunch on her birthday.
Since she often says she doesn’t have many friends, I thought it might be nice for her to see someone different. I also said we could celebrate her birthday together the next day (Saturday)

But tonight she asked me again if I’m booking it off. I was confused and she got upset because I didn’t seem to want to book the day off. She cried a little and seemed to feel lonely and insecure. She also said she felt like a “sad case” for not having many friends while I socialise a lot.

I said it wasn’t about not wanting to, and I got frustrated because she wasn’t fully honest about her feelings in the moment (she said it was fine the other day?) she says she was trying, but her brain gets tangled between feelings and “shoulds.” (As in she’s worried that it’s not normal to work your partners birthday, or it means I don’t love her). I told her she should trust me and that I’d never be phased by her working on my birthday.

Now she seems to feel hurt or like I don’t care about her birthday. But I genuinely want her to feel valued and happy… I even got excited when she mentioned her colleague wanted to do something for her. I just want her to see that people care about her, and I suggested the friend option in that spirit.

AIBU for thinking it’s okay for her to spend her birthday with a friend and that I don’t have to take the day off, when I’m already planning to celebrate with her on Saturday?

Are you sure she's old enough to be in a relationship ?

as someone who used to be insecure you can end up being controlling (even if you don’t realise) and the tears and the “do you love me if you don’t book my birthday off”is. Red flag

Just picking up on this to say that most controlling behaviour is born of insecurity and a need to manage the perceived 'risks' to the relationship/self. So my frist question would be has this type of behaviour shown itself in other ways? It's a red flag for me when someone feels it is your responsibility to manage their emotions and make them happy.

I also agree that it is quite manipulative to say you are OK with something and then decide you are not. It feels like a bit of a test of your love.

I also agree with your thinking - she gets to spend a nice day with a friend from work, which means she is liked and valued by that person ergo she has a friend and is doing something sociable outside of the relationship - something she claims is missing from her life. And then you two will spend the following day together.

Being generous, I'd say she has got a bit caught up in thinking about this and is wondering if you should just want to take her birthday off.

I'm with those who have never taken a day off for their own birthday let alone anyone else's.

I think crying because a plan you had agreed to is happening is ridiculous, tbh.

I'd alsp add that some women do do this and I don't know why.

Like women who say they don't want anything for their birthday etc and then get upset when they don't get anything. Or say not to make a fuss and then get upset when a celebration is low key. (There have been threads on here about it over the years before anyone tells it never happens - i wouldn't knpw about it otherwise).

I don't actually celebrate my birthday at all (complex reasons) and the number of times I've had people arrange to do something for my birthday or get me a present when I've asked them not to is wild. They've always explained that other friends/previous girlfriends have said similar and then got upset when they took them at their word.

In this case, I'd be talking to her about her actual expectations and why she has changed her mind from a few weeks ago rather than telling her to grow up though.

It sounds like she might have some complex issues around her birthday or wider sense of being valued of her own maybe.

It sounds like she has RSD
You need to remind her that she said she didn’t want to do anything special this year and also that she said she was going out for lunch with a colleague. You would not book the day off if you thought she was going out for lunch with someone else. She needs lots of reassurance, it’s a shame she is so vulnerable.

Hmm I’d say the GF needs to learn how to communicate better - saying one thing but meaning another, crying and being dramatic over a partner not having the day off for her birthday. Really? I think a reality check is needed on her part and a big part of that is her starting to behave like an adult rather than a petulant child.
I’ve never had the day off for my birthday due to working in education and I’ve survived!

I usually take my birthday off and spend it with my mum.

dh and I celebrate our birthday together on the weekend closest to our birthdays .

I am a total birthday princess and always book my birthday off work, but I don’t expect my husband to do the same and I don’t book his birthday off either. It would usually be beauty treatments and maybe a nice shopping trip for me! With a nice lunch just by myself.

I think that I'd try and book her birthday off now you know she is feeling wonky about it.
I'd also tell her that you don't mind taking the day off and doing something nice, but you'd prefer it if she just told you. That you didn't book it off as she said she wasnt bothered, then that she was seeing a friend that day, and now it seems like she does want to do something, which is fine, but she can just bloody tell you that surely?

It's good that you're able to communicate clearly about this to try and work out what each other is feeling.

I can understand her being a bit hurt if it's gone from having a lovely holiday abroad to you not even taking the day off for it.
And maybe she's going for lunch with the colleague because she's realised that she hasn't got anything else to do otherwise and she doesn't want to spend the day alone.

For some people, Birthdays are a big deal.. It's the only day they feel 'allowed' to be a little selfish and be cared for or pampered by others.
This is absolutely not solely your problem, she's likely got some deep-rooted insecurities about her worth (from her saying she thought it meant you didn't love her)

I think maybe she just would've liked to see you and her disappointment has triggered other stuff in her?

I would love to take my own birthday off but because it's in Jan, I'm cautious of using up leave allocation that I may need later in the year. But I do, either by accident or subconscious, end up with a spare day in December that I have to take off before it's taken off of me. I use that as an early bday celebration and take myself off for a nice lunch and/ or a massage. I have never heard of anyone taking their partner's birthday off.

Most people don’t take their own birthday off let alone their partners, you celebrate in the evening or at the weekend surely.

Pair of melts is a bit harsh!

I always take my birthday off. I never went to school on it either as it was always in the holidays. One company I worked for automatically gave everyone their birthday off. If you can, there's no reason you should get stick for it.

However I'd never expect anyone else to take my birthday off and I don't take my partner's off.

So does she have lunch plans with the friend or not? Couldn’t tell if it was a confirmed plan or just a suggestion.

If you can book it off just do it. She’s clearly changed her mind and feeling a bit sensitive about it (birthdays can be big triggers for some people) so just do it. Just because you wouldn’t mind her working on your birthday doesn’t mean she shouldn’t.

I don’t think it’s a huge red flag like some are saying, but just ask her to say in future if she’d like to do something together that means you’d need to book it off.

Perhaps it’s the whole ‘she wanted you to want to spend the day with her’ thing and now she’s feeling like you’re not bothered - but you are so stop dwelling on it and just book. I bet by the end of the year you’d have spent one day of annual leave on something less important than her birthday so just use the day. Or you could book a half day, she could have brunch with her friend in the morning then come and meet you to do something in the afternoon.

I’ve noticed a general trend on mumsnet that adults aren’t supposed to be bothered about celebrating their birthdays but why shouldn’t they?! It’d be different if she was demanding you spend a fortune on xyz but it sounds like she just wants to spend time with you.

She sounds like a bit of a wet wipe, crying that her boyfriend won't take her birthday off work. Is she such hard work in other aspects of her life?

Exactly this. I can never understand the huge drama that plays out over birthdays. It's a day like any other. Those who love you will remember. The world will keep turning. It shouldn't be a massive, jaw dropping day. You were born - congratulations - so was everyone else.

Another one saying you're not being unreasonable. Many people work on their birthday. I wouldn't expect my partner to take the day off, and children are expected in school. I usually go to dinner after work with my DP on birthdays. She sounds a little insecure, but it's not your fault she can't articulate what she wants.

I’m in agreement with posters like this, not the

“you must pander to her, poor her, her emotionally manipulative behaviour is something that she’s entitled to have and you should be making sure you are clear that even when she is telling you that she doesn’t want to do anything, and you don’t… you really should have done something”

Your girlfriend sounds like incredibly hard work and she needs to stop with this ridiculous emotionally manipulative behaviour. Of course it's not standard for people to take the day off every time their partner has a birthday and if she wanted to make a big deal out of it, she should have said something instead of expecting you to read her mind.

Does she have form for crying and saying it means you don't love her every time you don't do what she wants? If so, that's a massive red flag.

I thought you were going to say she's 18, not 27. What a baby, she sounds annoying.

Has she ever booked a day off on your birthday? Not offered, but actually booked it off?

I get that you usually take the day off on her birthday (which is probably what she has latched onto) but (a) she said she didn't want to do anything much this year/ not the usual trip away and (b) she made plans with a friend.

What were you supposed to do? Waste a day of annual leave hanging around like a limp dick for her to get back?

If she didn't want to take up her friends offer and wanted to spend the day with you instead she needed to use her words not start crying and accusing you of not loving her. She sounds about 14 not 27!

Interesting that you've assumed OP is male.

My husband worked on my birthday every year for 30+ years. Because he had a proper, serious job and because I'm not a spoilt child who demanded to be indulged because it was my birthday.
OP, of course YANBU ...... it's obvious!

She does sound quite needy and a bit immature.
Have you asked her directly if she wants you to take her birthday off, and if so what she would like to do that day? Emotional game playing like this is no good for a relationship. Nip it in the bud now or you'll forever be second guessing what she wants from you.

She's being ridiculous she's 27. I don't understand these people who expect to have a full on day or even weekend or week of celebrations round the birthday. What did she do when she was at school ?Did she have the day off then or did the world just keep revolving as usual?

She did give you confused signals when she said she wasn’t that bothered about this birthday and then got upset that you weren’t going to book the day off. That must’ve been frustrating for you!