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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Gf’s birthday - she seems hurt that I might wor

86 replies

Square245 · 11/02/2026 21:41

Sorry - **work!!!

Hi all, I just need to check if I’m being unreasonable

My girlfriend’s birthday is coming up. The last few years we’ve spent her birthday abroad.
A few weeks ago, she told me she wasn’t fussed about doing anything this year and that it wasn’t a big deal - it’s not a big birthday.

At work, my leave runs from January to December and I’m not sure how much leave I’ll need this year, so I wasn’t planning around her birthday specifically. She has the day off.
She mentioned another work colleague has the week off and this friend had suggested they go for lunch on her birthday.
Since she often says she doesn’t have many friends, I thought it might be nice for her to see someone different. I also said we could celebrate her birthday together the next day (Saturday)

But tonight she asked me again if I’m booking it off. I was confused and she got upset because I didn’t seem to want to book the day off. She cried a little and seemed to feel lonely and insecure. She also said she felt like a “sad case” for not having many friends while I socialise a lot.

I said it wasn’t about not wanting to, and I got frustrated because she wasn’t fully honest about her feelings in the moment (she said it was fine the other day?) she says she was trying, but her brain gets tangled between feelings and “shoulds.” (As in she’s worried that it’s not normal to work your partners birthday, or it means I don’t love her). I told her she should trust me and that I’d never be phased by her working on my birthday.

Now she seems to feel hurt or like I don’t care about her birthday. But I genuinely want her to feel valued and happy… I even got excited when she mentioned her colleague wanted to do something for her. I just want her to see that people care about her, and I suggested the friend option in that spirit.

AIBU for thinking it’s okay for her to spend her birthday with a friend and that I don’t have to take the day off, when I’m already planning to celebrate with her on Saturday?

OP posts:

SnackQueen · 12/02/2026 02:15

Is she 7 or 27? She sounds exhausting.

ItsNotMeEither · 12/02/2026 06:21

We've been married for 38 years and together for over 40. We've never taken each other's birthday off, in fact, never taken our own birthday off if it's a work day.

We also never had our now adult children stay home on their birthdays either.

That doesn't mean we don't make an effort for birthdays though. We had a weekend away with the whole family and their partners for the most recent big birthday and we all went on a cruise for one of mine, but none of these happened on the actual day. We celebrated on a non work day that suited us all.

She doesn't sound very mature and the sulking to get me to conform would give me the ick.

RawBloomers · 12/02/2026 06:41

That sounds frustrating and tedious. Is this a one off or par for the course?

Of course you're not being unreasonable to not book her birthday off work. If this is a one off, I would try to find out what's underpinning it - why is she suddenly insecure? But if it's normal, I would reconsider the whole relationship.

SuckerForBread · 12/02/2026 06:44

DP always takes my birthday off and I always take his off, we always do something together.

But that’s because we’ve always been clear that birthdays (to us) are special and an opportunity to celebrate. Even when I was single I would go out with family or friends etc.

What isn’t fair, is saying it’s okay to not take her birthday off and then being upset and sad about it and heaping that on you. For a relationship to be healthy you both need to say what you mean and do what you say. If those expectations aren’t communicated properly, you end up in a mess and the birthday won’t be the only or last thing.

If it was me and DP having this conversation I would just call it out. I did X because you said Y, now you’re saying Z and I don’t know what to do with that. Tell me what you want and/or need and I will see how I can meet you half way.

Half way might be working half the day, or planning a special breakfast or dinner.

WeepingAngelInTheTardis · 12/02/2026 06:47

Tell her to grow up, good god sounds like your in a relationship with a child!

Coconutter24 · 12/02/2026 06:49

Even if she had of said she’d like you to take the day off and you didn’t you still wouldn’t be unreasonable. Some people are a bit pathetic when it comes to birthdays and your gf sounds like one of those people

beAsensible1 · 12/02/2026 06:55

Most people don’t take off their partners birthday? They do something on the weekend.

I usually take of mine and either spend it with my parents as ours are all around the same time or I go to the thermal spa alone and out for dinner in the evening.

she’s being a bit silly, but sometimes birthdays can stir up illogical feelings. Let’s her vent and the calmly remind her you are doing something together and you cannot take it off.

Daisywhatsyouranswer · 12/02/2026 06:58

Is there a back story in terms of her mental abilities or mental health? Without that it is a concerning way to behave, she seems to not understand social norms, not have any friends, be overly reliant on you, not in control of her emotions, be very needy, focused on her self and unable to communicate properly.

if I’m brutally honest, I’d have the real ick if my husband behaved like that, but I am aware she may be unwell ie depression, anxiety etc or have some limitations.

id advise you to not pander to it, but speak to her and try to reassure her, force her to try to get out of her comfort zone, which appears to be solely you.

Besidemyselfwithworry · 12/02/2026 07:02

ChiliFiend · 11/02/2026 22:34

Is she this immature generally? She sounds like hard work.

This!
this isn’t normal behaviour for a 27 year old! The world doesn’t stop for a birthday especially when you’re an adult and it’s not a significant birthday!

Zanatdy · 12/02/2026 07:10

Sounds like she is someone who wants her partner to book the day off. Personally I rarely even take my own bday off. I will next year for the big one, but a regular bday, nothing different to a normal day for me.

Dgll · 12/02/2026 07:21

I can see why she might not have many friends. People like this can be rather hard work.

JJWT · 12/02/2026 07:26

Good grief. I've never heard of taking the day off. What a pair of melts!! Does she know there are loads of people who just can't even do that? Eg teachers!! Is she 12??

SaySomethingMan · 12/02/2026 07:30

I always take my birthday off work but don’t take off DH’s unless it’s in the half term then we get to celebrate together.
Why can’t you celebrate in the evening?

SaySomethingMan · 12/02/2026 07:33

Also it’s in a few weeks so she’s now told you, she’s like you to take it off as it’s important to her.

From your initial description, it sounded like it’s too late for you to take the day off. Definitely ignore the people asking you to tell her to grow up. No one should be saying that to someone they claim to love. There are better words for communicating.

Sartre · 12/02/2026 07:36

She basically said she didn’t want to celebrate it and then got pissed off that you hadn’t read between the lines, booked the day off and made plans to celebrate it. Insane.

runningonberocca · 12/02/2026 07:37

She sounds like a nightmare. Not hard to work out why she doesn’t have many friends. This kind of nonsense would have me rethinking whether I want to be in the relationship. Life is way too short to be spending it pandering to her immaturity and self absorption

itsgettingweird · 12/02/2026 07:50

She needs a reality check.

most people work on their own birthday let alone a partner/ spouse having to work.

saraclara · 12/02/2026 07:52

I've never had the day off for my birthday, let alone anyone else's, ever. Nor has anyone in my family.

Clearly she was brought up with different expectations, and in fairness, took time off for yours. So maybe you should have seen this coming.

Have you had the 'you said that you didn't plan to do anything much as it's a not a big birthday, so it didn't occur to me that you expected me to take the day off' conversation? If you have and she still doesn't get it, then you have a problem.

Is she hard work/self-centred in other ways?

Jumimo · 12/02/2026 08:00

God I couldn’t put up with that. My husband is very often at work on my birthday, I’ve never cried about it. It just a birthday and I’m not a child. She needs to grow the hell up.

ChristmasFluff · 12/02/2026 08:06

I think you are discovering why she doesn't have any friends.

Like most people, I think her birthday plans as they stand sound great - celebrate with a friend on the day, and celebrate with you at the weekend. Totally usual for the 'Birthday Weekend' to be the 'real' celebration because friends and family are working even if the birthday person chooses to take their birthday off.

moderndilemma · 12/02/2026 08:10

I think your gf sounds a bit needy and uncertain - people should be honest about these things. If someone says they're OK with something, that should be the truth, or close to it.

However... communication is also sometimes about making sense of several conversations, not just one. So if you know generally that her birthday is a big deal for her, and that she's really appreciated when you've been away together, then good communication is also about you taking responsibility. e.g. "since you said you weren't fussed, and I've got a lot on at work, I haven't taken the day off, but how about we get up early and go for a walk on the beach followed by breakfast. I'll go into work an hour late." Or make a definite plan for the evening.

I think the worst of all, is if you say you'll celebrate the following day, then do NOTHING on the actual day. Make her breakfast, get her cards and presents and give them to her on the morning of her birthday before you go to work. Even leave a little surprise bottle of fizz and a mini cake in the fridge... Don't take it to mean that you act as though her birthday is on the Saturday (including card / present).

Starlight7080 · 12/02/2026 08:12

She is being very immature. If everyone took a day of to celebrate then that would be mental . I dont know anyone who does that . Unless a holiday is booked for the occasion.

stichguru · 12/02/2026 08:14

Tell her most 5 year olds manage to go to school on their birthdays....

Tablesandchairs23 · 12/02/2026 08:19

She's 27. She's being childish.

bowlingalleyblues · 12/02/2026 08:21

Hmmm, i think there are lots of folk who can get a bit emotional about their birthdays, if she is struggling to express what she wants clearly as well this could be feelings of insecurity that go back to childhood…so yes it is a bit immature, but also if this were my partner i’d want to understand why they feel emotional about their birthday, encourage them to ask for what they want in the relationship (this is incredibly hard for some people) and maybe arrange to take them out for dinner in the evening. You’re not a mind reader, but I wouldn’t condemn your partner for feeling how they feel here.

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