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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Gf’s birthday - she seems hurt that I might wor

86 replies

Square245 · 11/02/2026 21:41

Sorry - **work!!!

Hi all, I just need to check if I’m being unreasonable

My girlfriend’s birthday is coming up. The last few years we’ve spent her birthday abroad.
A few weeks ago, she told me she wasn’t fussed about doing anything this year and that it wasn’t a big deal - it’s not a big birthday.

At work, my leave runs from January to December and I’m not sure how much leave I’ll need this year, so I wasn’t planning around her birthday specifically. She has the day off.
She mentioned another work colleague has the week off and this friend had suggested they go for lunch on her birthday.
Since she often says she doesn’t have many friends, I thought it might be nice for her to see someone different. I also said we could celebrate her birthday together the next day (Saturday)

But tonight she asked me again if I’m booking it off. I was confused and she got upset because I didn’t seem to want to book the day off. She cried a little and seemed to feel lonely and insecure. She also said she felt like a “sad case” for not having many friends while I socialise a lot.

I said it wasn’t about not wanting to, and I got frustrated because she wasn’t fully honest about her feelings in the moment (she said it was fine the other day?) she says she was trying, but her brain gets tangled between feelings and “shoulds.” (As in she’s worried that it’s not normal to work your partners birthday, or it means I don’t love her). I told her she should trust me and that I’d never be phased by her working on my birthday.

Now she seems to feel hurt or like I don’t care about her birthday. But I genuinely want her to feel valued and happy… I even got excited when she mentioned her colleague wanted to do something for her. I just want her to see that people care about her, and I suggested the friend option in that spirit.

AIBU for thinking it’s okay for her to spend her birthday with a friend and that I don’t have to take the day off, when I’m already planning to celebrate with her on Saturday?

OP posts:

Millytante · 12/02/2026 16:37

OneNewEagle · 11/02/2026 22:46

I assume her birthday might be a difficult day for her? Lots of special occasion sort of days are hard for me due to being estranged from my family and past trauma causing ptsd. My last three birthdays have been terrible as a result. I’m in my 50s and I don’t think I’m hard work like other posters are implying your gf is.

Over the last three birthdays I’ve had parent forget I had a big birthday, parent call and worry me sick all day as no idea where they are and have split from my step parent, other parent go on holiday on my birthday two years in a row and not call, a death on my birthday two year ago and three years ago a huge falling out with a friend, oh and a friend arranging to see me for my birthday and then changing their mind So it’s been trying and hard as all of that is on top of the stuff I’m already trying to cope with. I don’t even want to celebrate my birthday anymore.

all that aside my OH and I tend to do something on either both of our birthdays only a month apart or a week off for one and not the other depending on the age or occasion. We’ve holidayed on one birthday and so on. And we usually do something on the birthday weekend. last year we celebrated his more as with bank holidays we were able to have 18 days break together.

if your GFs birthday is a Friday then make her breakfast in bed before you go to work with a card and a gift and some money for her day out and then you cook a nice meal in the evening or a takeaway. Then she can see her friend during the day. Then have your day together on the Saturday. Sorry your GF is feeling a bit down.

OP would have mentioned it, if any such thing applied.
As far as I can see they have been very thoughtful already, being genuinely pleased she will be with a friend, as she has shown she is insecure about a lack of friends.
I hate all this mandatory contortion to appease the too-high expectations of partners, particularly when they are in their late 20s. It’s infantilising an adult partnership

BotterMon · 12/02/2026 16:41

Ah bless. Are you throwing a party for her on Saturday with Jelly, cake and party games?

She sounds a bit pathetic tbh.

TrainFog · 12/02/2026 16:44

I really struggle with needy behaviour and find it very unattractive. You did nothing wrong.

Lavender14 · 12/02/2026 16:49

Does she specifically book her birthday off? Do you usually book your birthday off?

I guess I can kind of understand a bit where she is coming from if there's a precedent set that you both book each others birthdays off. But equally I think if she's expecting you to book leave and then sit at home while she goes and celebrates with someone else that's a bit ridiculous. I also think the leap to tears and you not loving her etc is a massive and unfair leap and suggests much deeper issues for her and within your relationship.

It sounds like she struggles with communication and I'd be questioning why that is - does she feel safe with you to be honest, is there past trauma there and if so what is she/ you doing to address that?

I think you need to assess how healthy this dynamic is for each of you and if you can genuinely say that you're a good, accountable partner who steps up properly then I'd be saying she needs to go for therapy. If she didn't I'd be leaving the relationship because refusing to own your healing while making someone else responsible for your emotions is highly toxic even if she doesn't mean to be.

Chinsupmeloves · 13/02/2026 21:57

Yanbu. You've asked her and she was fine. A birthday celebration doesn't have to be on the day, nice if it is, but once you become an adult and have other commitments it's not a big deal.

My last birthday I spent teaching and had a parents' evening, came home at 8.30pm having left at 6.30am. I really couldn't have been arsed about celebrating, looked forward to the friday to do it.

I did open my presents from DH, had a bottle of wine opened and glass poured, hugs from him and DC, all I needed amd was happy with.

Chinsupmeloves · 13/02/2026 21:59

EvangelineTheNightStar · 12/02/2026 10:09

I’m in agreement with posters like this, not the

“you must pander to her, poor her, her emotionally manipulative behaviour is something that she’s entitled to have and you should be making sure you are clear that even when she is telling you that she doesn’t want to do anything, and you don’t… you really should have done something”

Show quote history

Indeed, all a bit litttle princess me expecting the world to stop because it's my birthday.

99bottlesofkombucha · 13/02/2026 22:22

I think it’s nuts for an adult with a job to be expected to take the day off for their partners birthday every year. I don’t and dh doesn’t obviously! We dont take the day off for our own birthday either.

Gossipisgood · 16/02/2026 14:17

She needs to get a grip & not be so needy. She has plans with her colleague & with you on Saturday so why expect you to have the day off on her actual birthday? Red flag waving here

SpinandSing · 16/02/2026 14:55

Oh come on people, life is short! Take the birthdays off work and make the other person feel loved and cherished. It's one day to make them feel special and they'll remember it forever.

Honestly, my advice, always take your partner's birthday off. Unless you are both 100% sure that it isn't necessary as you both have important work stuff on or have plans for the weekend. If one of you feels wobbly about it - maybe because they're a little insecure or demanding ... just take it.

Tillow4ever · 16/02/2026 15:19

Christ i don’t even book my own birthday off work. It would never occur to me to book the day off for my husbands. I don’t for the kids either unless we are planning on being away (for the ones that fall in school hols).

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/02/2026 17:38

SpinandSing · 16/02/2026 14:55

Oh come on people, life is short! Take the birthdays off work and make the other person feel loved and cherished. It's one day to make them feel special and they'll remember it forever.

Well thats fine if its what you both want to do. But she said that she didnt want a fuss making, so s/he (the OP) decided to work as usual and do something at the weekend, you know like adults do. Then she decides that that means s/he doesnt love her!

The OP was set up to fail! Taking the day off and making a fuss was wrong as the birthday woman made it clear that she didnt want that, and it turns out that not making a fuss is also wrong!

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