AIBU to want to go down in seniority at my job and go backwards in my career since having kids

[applenet]

My children are 3yo and 12m and I am in a highly technical career really struggling mentally to get back into the headspace of being a productive, effective software developer.

I used to be ambitious, working out of hours on my technical skills and always prided myself on being good at my job and striving for more difficult work and more senior positions. But after coming back from maternity leave I just can’t do it. I just don’t feel like I’m smart enough any more to do the kinds of difficult intellectual work I used to do. I work from home and recently stopped breastfeeding and my baby has started sleeping at night, but I still can’t seem to just be “clever” like I used to be.

I feel the pressure every day to be some kind of technical whizz kid and I am struggling and feel like I’m failing all the time. I’m well paid so my family relies on my salary but I don’t feel up to it. Should I try to get another job somewhere else at a more junior level so the pressure is off me?

I feel like I’d be betraying my former self by reversing years of work to get into a senior position where my technical abilities are stretched and taken seriously so I don’t want to do something I’d regret. But I am crying every day now about how stupid I feel at work and how I can’t do what should be easy for me at my level and my abilities seem to have dropped to a much more junior engineer than my position or salary justifies.

I don’t know what to do.

About 5 years ago I decided that working in a corporate world with 2 small children was no longer for me and I gave up a £80k salary to work at a school earning £15k a year.
it was the best decision I have ever made, love my job but love being home for my 2 DS’s more and having 14weeks holidays.
it’s not backwards just a new direction xx

I decided not to go for promotion for this very reason. My kids are older now but family life is what makes me happy. I can enjoy my work since I am not over stretched. I always think that in big jobs you get everyone else's problems as well as your own. This is not worth the extra money.

100% not unreasonable.
Life changes after kids. I am a high earner, previously loved my job, went above and beyond because I was genuinely interested and it felt rewarding.

Now with s toddler and another on the way.... I am frantically trying to log off on time, I can't get up early and do what I used to as I have kids to sort. I love time with my child and would love more time with him.

Unfortunately I need to keep this job to keep the lights on and a roof over our heads but I definitely have no interest in striving for promotion.

Like you, I don't feel I belong in the corporate world any longer and I spend lots of time singing nursery rhymes while trying to manipulate data.

As an older women I advise you to not make any drastic decisions just yet. Your youngest child is only one at the moment. It's no wonder your priorities are different right now . Is there any way you can take a sabbatical?

The reason I caution against us that your children won't always be young and you might not always be married . Pessimistic I know but young women should protect themselves and be financially independent.
Do you see any other less stressful way of continuing your career as a slower pace. Would you really be content to be a SA long term . Please take time to consider all your options.

YANBU

Take some time with your kids. You have such a short time with them when you look at the total landscape of your entire career. Taking 4 years in a stepped back or part time role would not be unreasonable. Its not a betrayal - its a sacrifice.

Unless they're desperate for money - I cannot understand how women are happy to drop kids off at 7am, pick them up at 7pm 5 days a week. Its not fair on the kids. Its not fair on the parent. It must be fucking exhausting for all involved.

I did, I quit the corporate bollocks for a nice easy and fully flexible part time job. Never missed the school run or any events, had plenty of time to do extra curricular stuff, and had a nice tidy home and loads of other part time parents to socialise with.

Now back full time, I barely see anyone through the week and my house is a tip. Enjoying the extra income of course but absolutely no regrets whatsoever.

I feel like I’d be betraying my former self by reversing years of work to get into a senior position where my technical abilities are stretched and taken seriously

Stop. Take a breath.

You're not reversing - you're moving forward just on a slightly different path -into motherhood, family life, different priorities and new, important skills.
Your former self would more likely look at you with two beautiful kids with envy because (I can only assume) you have what she wanted.

You're in the hard yards. Peak tired. Peak needed for everything. Peak Mummy.

I Agree with PP who said not to rush into a decision on a bad day. Do you have an option to drop a day? Could your partner do more so you get better rest?

Before you do anything drastic like quit your job and career, please go and talk to the maternity unit about post partum depression. Feeling stupid, like you are constantly failing and crying every night is NOT normal at all. You may think it’s the job causing what you feel, but it could be PPD and you need treatment.

You sound like your putting lots of pressure on yourself

Has anyone at work commented on your abilities? I think its nornal to find it tough going returning after maternity leave and a bit of a shock to the system having two kids. Id give yourself 6 months to see if your feel better.

Would a chat with GP be worth it to discuss your mental health. I had very bad depression and moods when stopping breast feeding and returning to work

I have considered this too.

I just don’t believe that women can have the career and be around for their children sadly. I think our responsibilities at home make it difficult to have highly stressful jobs.

I have one, my salary is good - yet I feel like a failure everywhere - home and work!

If you can afford to then I would look for something else. Not because you aren’t capable but because life is too short to feel like this every single day

Most nurseries don't close at 7pm so get your facts right.

How is it a sacrifice to do only what makes you happy and heap the financial burden on your co-parent?

In my opinion, it is the mums and dads who juggle full time work and their share of child rearing that are doing the sacrificing so that their families are financially secure in the long run.

And yes, we work extra hard and go the extra mile to ensure we are there for our children as well as managing a career.

(I exclude from this opinion children with severe disabilities where a parent has no choice but to give up work to become a full time carer)

Can you move sideways into project management? Would that have better hours and less demands on your intellect <thinking of some project managers I have worked with >

That way, it is not a step down, just a sideways pause. Plenty of time to gear up again once your children and older. You will get your mojo back. No need to give up. Just keep plugging away at a level you are comfortable with for now.

The worst thing is to give up.

Hmmm. It’s not unreasonable to want it, it might be foolish financially in the longer term to actually do it. However, life is short, your kids childhoods go quickly, etc. It’s always a balancing act. Your decision of course.

Some of us hold fathers to the same expectations.

They should also “be around for their children”, shouldn’t they?

DH and I have equally demanding and financially rewarding careers and split parenting equally (ish - he probably does 60% of it as my current job involves considerable travel) along with domestic responsibilities.

Disagree.

It is going backwards professionally, and with the job market as it is, that is potentially going to impact OP and her family for life.

A relative quit a highly technical role that she had studied and taught for against the odds. A prestigious job, actually. Her husband had the same role. It wasn’t a role that could be done part time so she quit and took a TA job at a school. Career over forever. She hated the TA job and was resentful towards her husband and children for having made that decision. The family are highly dysfunctional and as adults the children have significant mental health issues.

I would give it time first before making any decisions and you don’t need to be completely up to speed the instant you are back from mat leave. I felt like I was almost newly qualified when I went back but it did come back (after 6 months). we are our own harshest critics, so you feeing tired and not as good as before is probably not even noticed by anyone else!

You are exhausted and worn out. You haven't lost any braincells, they are just stretched to capacity right now. I know gow scary it feels when you pride yourself on your abilities and then they take a whack. Can you drop a day on the same level you are now on? Or go part time? If you need to drop back thats ok too, but i would think it would be preferable to give yourself extra heads pace at your current earnings rather than work full time on less earnings

Work out what gives you joy. What do you value? Do you want what money can buy or what only time can buy? I know it’s a tough decision but don’t overthink it. We all need ‘enough’ money - but what do you want on top of that?
I think that a lot of people in our generation are going to be bitterly disappointed as they age, about their previous life choices. Not everyone, obviously. But lots.

I work in a similar area and my career ambitions took a back seat after having children. I very nearly gave it up, but I’m so glad I didn’t as I’ve now got a flexible WFH role that pays pretty well.

After I had the kids, I made a conscious decision to go part time, I did not go for any promotions and avoided line management.

When the kids got older I was able to work full time again but I didn’t go for anything too high powered or out of my comfort zone where I’d have to spend lots of time training/learning new tech. I can spend more time with the kids and can do lots about the house.

Unless you hate the actual job it might be a good idea to cut your hours and just coast for a while. Or change jobs to a similar one but with less pressure.

Absolutely! Some people have an oddly binary way of thinking on here that childcare is solely a women’s responsibility and any time spent away from their child is akin to child abuse. Then, in another breath berate men for not doing any childcare or housework.

It’s completely possible to have a well paid career and be there for your family. There is always this trope of ‘women can’t have it all’, but that’s dependent on what women want.

I believe I have it all (in terms of work and family life) and we have built that in a way it works for everyone. It won’t suit everyone, of course it won’t as everyone is different. You need to build a life that works for your family.

If I were the OP I would look to getting a second opinion (therapist, career coach, someone outside of the family who has been through similar). I also work in a very technical job and after maternity leave, having not used that part of my brain for ages, I felt similar. I think there was a bit of underlying PND, imposter syndrome, etc. what really helped me were lean in circles. I spoke to women in a similar position and I found it enormously helpful.

I did change jobs, in fact I got a promotion! I had more flexibility and my husband also negotiated more flexibility. It made things so much easier. We both work full time, and are well paid. We have quality family time and we all enjoy holidays (which get very expensive when they start school!). I like the fact we can save up a nest egg for them for uni or a house (or even just a contingency). I feel fulfilled in my role and enjoy using my brain in a technical way, I feel proud of myself and the sort of role model I want to be for our children. Same with our set up, it’s not one parent doing everything, we both contribute equally financially, emotionally, and with time.

YANBU to want to take a step away.

My note of caution is be realistic about what you need to do to get back in to your career in the future.

I had a high powered career, DS2 was born mid-covid. A mix of childcare issues (covid closed down several nurseries near us), PPD, and generally being worn out by work led to me leaving. It was the right thing to do, I had a couple of lovely years at home with my kids. Went back to work three years ago in a junior part time role. And now I’m totally stuck. I can’t get back in to my previous sector, I can’t move up in the sector I’m in, finding another part time role seems impossible. I still know that stepping away was the right decision, but I was unrealistic in my expectations to be able to get back in to a good career down the line.

I think for everyone who feels glad they stepped back from a career into a lower key job, there are others who bitterly regret it because it gives them a lot less choice in the future. How often do we read on here that a woman is trapped in a shit marriage because of finances etc. I also think there will be issues in the future when people can't pay for care, haven't aupplemented their state pension enough etc because they focused on the short rather than the long term.

It's normal to feel completely overwhelmed when your kids are this age, and wonder how you can fit it all in. I'd give it another 12 - 18 months if you can, and see if there is anything you can do to improve your work life balance in the mean time (compressed hours, part time, flexible working request, more working from home etc). Your skills haven't gone backwards, your brain is just full right now with child related things, but it will free itself up again as your kids get older and become more independent. The difference a couple of years make here is absolutely huge, but its much easier to coast for a little while / get flexibility if its somewhere you've worked for a long time with a good reputation. Ita also much easier to take a step back rather than a step up later.

Also this is where having a (genuinely) supportive husband / partner is crucial. Not someone that begrudgingly 'helps' when asked but someone who sees what needs doing and gets on with it and takes half the mental load. This is why most men manage to have a career and children, because they have that support

I felt very much the same way when I went back after DD2. I just didnt have the headspace for work anymore. Not to mention she was an awful sleeper and still waking 4-5 times a night for the first six months i was back at work.

I did drop to part time, which i found helped massively. I now do 22hrs over four days so that i can do the afternoon school pick up for my eldest (DD2 stays in nursery for the full 4 days which also gives me some breathing space in the afternoon). I work in the civil service which is obviously well known for work-life balance, and i have a very supportive boss, who makes sure im not overloaded (eg. Not doing five days work when im only a 0.6FTE). My next move was into SLT so I also made in clear in my last career planning discussion that I wasnt looking to move for a while.

Ive been back a year and I do feel like its now getting much easier. DD2 is coming up 2 and her sleep is getting better, plus my brain feels like its functioning again.

Could you take a sideways move into a another part of the business that is more family friendly, or drop to PT for a defined period (eg. 1 year) to give yourself time to think more about what you want your next move to be? I also follow a lady called hi.ho.coaching on insta who is a career coach specifically for women returning to work after mat leave. Perhaps you could find someone like this but also connected to your industry and have a call before you make any decisions? I think what you are feeling is so common and the risk of making a drastic change now is regretting it in a years time when things start to even out.