AIBU to want to go down in seniority at my job and go backwards in my career since having kids

[applenet]

My children are 3yo and 12m and I am in a highly technical career really struggling mentally to get back into the headspace of being a productive, effective software developer.

I used to be ambitious, working out of hours on my technical skills and always prided myself on being good at my job and striving for more difficult work and more senior positions. But after coming back from maternity leave I just can’t do it. I just don’t feel like I’m smart enough any more to do the kinds of difficult intellectual work I used to do. I work from home and recently stopped breastfeeding and my baby has started sleeping at night, but I still can’t seem to just be “clever” like I used to be.

I feel the pressure every day to be some kind of technical whizz kid and I am struggling and feel like I’m failing all the time. I’m well paid so my family relies on my salary but I don’t feel up to it. Should I try to get another job somewhere else at a more junior level so the pressure is off me?

I feel like I’d be betraying my former self by reversing years of work to get into a senior position where my technical abilities are stretched and taken seriously so I don’t want to do something I’d regret. But I am crying every day now about how stupid I feel at work and how I can’t do what should be easy for me at my level and my abilities seem to have dropped to a much more junior engineer than my position or salary justifies.

I don’t know what to do.

To add, I also read an article recently that it takes our brains something like up to 2yrs to fully recover from the changes in pregnancy / childbirth / post partum. So we all need to cut ourselves some slack!

Could you not do contractor roles? You’re not tied down into employment and sometimes depending on your role you could earn like 550+ a day so could even work less days?

Give yourself a break. You can't grow and birth and keep two very small humans alive and thriving and not experience some radical change personally.

If you're crying daily, I would have a chat with your GP, a check in would be a good shout.

You're not letting yourself down, you're just one woman reacting very normally to a change in circumstance. You're not bionic. Outsource whatever you can in order to cut yourself some slack. Give it a year and reassess.

What's the situation with your DH, is he feeling a similar level of strain that he's in tears every day?

Life is for living and not for sufering. If you can afford the step back and will be happier and more fulfilled. Go for it.

I wouldn’t make any big or life changing decisions in the first 2 years post partum. You are half delirious with tiredness and never on an even keel

I agree that you are in the thick of it right now and it might be better if you can hold off making any major decisions just yet. You won't be able to see it now but these early years don't last forever despite how they feel at the time. We are not long out of them (my two are 6 and 8) but life is so much easier/better only a few short years on from where you are now and I am glad we've got my high income to be able to live a nice life now and for the many years of their childhood we still have left.

You'll get through his stage. It is incredibly hard when you are in it but it does not last particularly long in the context of your overall working life.

My husband is a completely equal partner is every way, which is has been key.

Which is why I suggested to OP that she doesn't beat herself up, looks for more support / alternative ways of working and doesn't rush into quitting.

What do you feel your friend should have done to avoid sadness, resentment and dysfunction?

Not quit and sought more support to stay in work perhaps?

I also work for a technical organisation. You could do what my male colleagues have done when they have life stress and just half-arse the job for a while. We are socialised to feel guilty if we aren’t doing our best but it’s OK to coast sometimes. Given where you likely are on the Dunning-Kruger curve your mediocre performance may still be of value to your organisation.

I felt the same, didn't feel like chasing promotion or doing more than the minimum.
What worked for me was to go very part time. Two days a week in the same job so I kept my hand in, I was experienced so still useful to my employer but had five days to be with the children.

YANBU @applenet I was in the same position. Software is horrible for this as well, all the younger men desperately jostling for position.

I really agree with this comment though ^ Relationships can change, and if you were to split up after your child is past the age of huge dependency, your sacrifice and contribution may not get its deserved reward financially.

I am a bit older now. I managed to just about keep my hand in by going part-time for a few years and treading water. My child is a teen and life is a bit easier; I am also starting to think about pensions and retirement.

TL;DR - do whatever you can to stay in work in a decentskilled position, dropping hours etc. Could you fund a cleaner/gardener/dog walker/whatever else demands a lot of attention.

I haven’t so much gone backwards but I haven’t pushed for progression and I’m static in my career

But I still use my skills, earn decent money.

I value the WFH and flexibility more than trying to climb the ladder and risking losing it

I think you are being very hard on yourself. You ARE smart enough for the technical job, you don't become unsmart after becoming a mother. Your priorities change, and that is completely OK, you are not betraying your career or yourself.

Just take a step back and think. Make a list, see what is your number one priority now you have a family. This might change in future years just as it has done in the last year.

If you prefer to take a step back and give your brain a rest then do that, not because you can't do the technical job, but because you want to focus on something else, ie your children.

This is not a permanent step back, I mean it can be if you wish, but just put promotion and high level on hold for a few years. That is completely OK.

I took a step back after having children, then a few years as a SAHM. I returned to work part time, gradually increasing hours and responsibility as they grew up. I have no regrets and I have been back at high level for some years now. I can still do the technical job, things like that are never un-learned.

Good luck with your decision

I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all, but I do think you should hold off making any decisions until you’re back into the swing of work.

I’m a high earner in a professional role but not ridiculous hours or anything and currently on mat leave with my second. I went back full time after my first, which was hard but my child has thrived at nursery. My husband also has a stressful job and we’ve both agreed that both working stressful full on roles with a busy household, dogs and 2 children isn’t compatible with a happy family life (for us) so I have asked to go down to 3 days a week.

I don’t think you need to see it as going backwards, this is a period of life and you need to find the balance of doing what is best for yourself, your family and your finances. You can pick back up in a few years time if you want to at that point in time.

there is a constant societal pressure I think for people around my age (mid 30s and maybe it’s the same for older people and younger I don’t know) to just constantly strive for more. My outlook now is to do what makes us as a family happy and if that isn’t the next promotion then so what?!

How supportive is your DH/DP? Have you spoken to him about how you are feeling?

I’m so sorry you feel this way op. It must be so difficult to be under so much pressure.

My brain didn’t work properly for the first 2 years after having my son. I remember struggling and wondering what on earth was wrong with me, I felt less intelligent. It did eventually pass around the 2 year mark. 12 months is still early days given you’ve only just stopped breastfeeding and your baby is only just sleeping through the night. Could you maybe reduce your hours in the meantime?

Do what you need to do to reduce your stress and look after yourself op xx

I took a more local job (similar field, more junior role, different industry) when my kids were small, was there about 7 years, they are nearly 9 and 12 now life is much easier. I got to manager level in my previous role and the stress was unbearable and I just couldn't do it all. Ive just managed to get back in to my old job, albeit a more junior role than previous. It took me a LONG time to get a foot back in the door though. Your career isn't linear, a side step or a break is absolutely fine, just remember your pension and that your life WILL get easier.

I completely get it. My job doesn't look remotely as stressful as yours, and I'm feeling exactly the same way.

I've just waited to get through all pregnancies, and I'm now actively looking for roles that would be a demotion. I'm particularly trying to get rid of the line management element to go back to individual contributor, in a area of the business I have a real interest in.

I don't have the time to work outside my contracted hours anymore, or the mental capacity to manage people (direct reports or incompetent senior leaders).

So my view is go for it, you need to make time and space for your family. Work isn't worth getting sick over it.

Thank you for all your responses. I wrote a long response but clicked the wrong thing and deleted it! To answer some questions -

DH - he’s hands on like me, also works full time, does the pick up and drop off entirely but I get up in the night most nights for DS, our toddler who cries out for me specifically. The baby, DD, now sleeps through most nights but when she doesn’t I am the one who wakes up with her cries, DH often doesn’t hear it and wouldn’t wake up unless I woke him.

DH earns a lot less than me and would cut his hours or be a SAhD if it helped me more, but I need less pressure and reliance on my income, not more and that doesn’t help me to do my job any better.

I think about this as well, I should always have some financial security. My relationship is very secure at the moment but who knows, and what if DH lost his job?

I don’t know if part time is an option. I think almost everyone there is full time, so it would be an unusual request and I don’t want to make myself stand out when I think I am already starting to stand out for the wrong reasons.

DH taking time off wouldn’t help me unfortunately because he can’t help me do my job better by doing so.

Nobody I know is happy to drop off their kids at 7am. They cry in the toilets their first week back at work because they feel so sad being away from their baby and guilty about leaving them in childcare to be looked after by someone else.

Working instead of staying home with your kids is a major sacrifice for necessity, security and the short and long term benefit of your family.

In my experience it is rich people where DH is a high earner who get to stay home.

I think make peace with yourself being a different person but don’t necessarily fully let go of your skills and career- kids turn into teenagers and adults that need help, and you need to solidify your own future too. I regret leaving a decent admin job for minimum wage, now my kids are young adults it would be nice for them to have some security in life and I’m desperately trying to get back into the loop but competing against extremely tech competent graduates

Wanted to add that weekends are amazing when you don’t have to work them and when you have the money to enjoy them with your kids!!

I mean all this kindly - and having been in a situation with some similarities and now having the benefit of hindsight and perspective.

Firstly - looking back to pre Mat leave. Were you top notch at your job weeks where you’d been doing other stuff and sleep deprived? Were you top notch when you just joined the team and were needing to get up to speed?

Probably not. At the moment you’re both. So you’re not fundamentally broken, you’re just in a situation you’re not giving yourself self credit for the context of. You’re expecting the same, but with two hands tied behind your back. So, don’t beat yourself up because you can’t do the same this week as you could when you didn’t have the double challenge of those two aspects.

Next - what can you do about those challenges.

1. The getting up to speed - the next 6 weeks will make a big difference to that. You’ve been out of the loop. You’ll get back in just by being back at work to a big extent. You’re already on the way with this one.
2. The sleep deprivation. Needs slightly more tactics.

Going to bed earlier is worth thinking about. While you’ve got the income, get a cleaner and two nights a week M&S easy dinners in disposable trays to cut out cooking and clearing up from the to do list. If you later choose to drop to lower income you can adjust.

Cutting your hours slightly, temporarily can also help with sleep. How’s your leave balance? Can you do 4.5 days a week for a month and use Wednesday mornings / afternoons for a quality nap?

Also, if you’ve been breastfeeding and cutting back then some of this is hormones being a git. Again, time will help that.

I am a high achiever with a PhD, had to start relatively juniour in a new career and been chasing promotions relentlessly for reasons you describe. But I am also someone who realises I can always work up later in life if I want to. No one can take my skills. Contrary, you can’t rewind time with family/kids.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with stepping down and prioritising yourself and your family. Are you worried because of how you will be perceived? You say you feel like you are betraying your old self, but your old self was not a mother who loved her kids, it was an ambitious woman planning a family and prioritising her career.

You are allowed to change your identity.