AIBU to want to go down in seniority at my job and go backwards in my career since having kids

[applenet]

My children are 3yo and 12m and I am in a highly technical career really struggling mentally to get back into the headspace of being a productive, effective software developer.

I used to be ambitious, working out of hours on my technical skills and always prided myself on being good at my job and striving for more difficult work and more senior positions. But after coming back from maternity leave I just can’t do it. I just don’t feel like I’m smart enough any more to do the kinds of difficult intellectual work I used to do. I work from home and recently stopped breastfeeding and my baby has started sleeping at night, but I still can’t seem to just be “clever” like I used to be.

I feel the pressure every day to be some kind of technical whizz kid and I am struggling and feel like I’m failing all the time. I’m well paid so my family relies on my salary but I don’t feel up to it. Should I try to get another job somewhere else at a more junior level so the pressure is off me?

I feel like I’d be betraying my former self by reversing years of work to get into a senior position where my technical abilities are stretched and taken seriously so I don’t want to do something I’d regret. But I am crying every day now about how stupid I feel at work and how I can’t do what should be easy for me at my level and my abilities seem to have dropped to a much more junior engineer than my position or salary justifies.

I don’t know what to do.

They cry in the toilets their first week back at work because they feel so sad being away from their baby and guilty about leaving them in childcare to be looked after by someone else.

Men aren’t (generally).

Working instead of staying home with your kids is a major sacrifice for necessity, security and the short and long term benefit of your family.

Again, nobody says this about men working. It doesn’t have to be this way.

Oof you have my sympathy OP. I am feeling like this now my kids are teens. I was very career driven from when they were born (much more than before) as I really felt a need to ensure we provided a financially stable home amd also because I found the small children phase very difficult. Now mine are embarking on GCSEs, puberty and all the turmoil that entails I desperately want to take a step back and be there for them. They don't need you less as they get older, is my experience, they just need you in a different way. Unfortunately it won't work for us financially so I have to stick it out. It's hard.

I would echo others and take some time to see if there are any adjustments that can be made before doing anything too drastic.

You are very much in the trenches with sleep deprivation so that won’t be helping but it will be getting better as your children get older.

Can you look at getting more help from your partner, working out a better split of pick ups, drop offs and night wakings so that you have a bit more time? When you have young children everyone has to pitch in and some small sacrifices have to be made (it can be around housework, leisure time/hobbies, just surviving at work) and then before you know it things will start to ease up and you’ll find things start to settle.

No. I did this. We have been sold the dream that it’s possible to have it all. And maybe it is. But that’s not the same as wanting it all. And when my dc were little I wanted nothing more than to be around for them both physically and mentally. Work just became less important to me and as I had a big job that needed and deserved someone who could dedicate themselves to it. Therefore I took a drop in hours and seniority and gave myself a better work life balance.
we struggled a lot more financially but life was a hell of a lot better for us all in every other way.

Don’t do anything hasty OP. I’ve been working FT in demanding technical roles just back from mat leave with pushy colleague jostling for position and I felt like I was coming apart at the seams.

What you likely are is long term sleep deprived and exhausted. You say your DH can’t help with work but he can take more of the non work load which will make you less tired. He could start by actually getting up at night and not leaving it all to you.

Have a look at what else in your life you can make more easy for you - do you have a cleaner, gardener, babysitter? Do you get any time for yourself?

Perhaps reframe this a little. In this season of your life, you would like to prioritise family / your own wellbeing etc. Have a look at what that could look like, is there scope to reduce the amount of days you work? Would a new job entirely support you? Or can you bring in help to free up your spare time (cleaner, gardener etc).

It’s absolutely ok to not be the same person post kids… My eldest 14 and I have a 12 and 3 year old too. And each one of them has changed me

Bless you OP. I completely understand as was in same position, in same industry with same financial issues. I have no words on how to make it easier especially with the industry the way it is at the moment. Is your company a decent one in that it is supportive and the pressure is coming from within, or is the environment more like where you are just a cog to the company? If it is the latter as difficult as it is at the moment, i would be looking to change companies. That is how i coped, went to a more supportive (albeit less cutting edge) company and rode it out whilst my children were young. Did i sacrifice my career - yes to a certain extent, but would i change what i did, no probably not, as we had enough and it fitted the family.

Yanbu - go with your gut, don't fight instinct every day it's a path to hell. I was motivated to work when my kids were young but I hit perimenopause early and it's totally sapped me of energy and ambition. Before I was flying up the ranks, earning more, leading teams, on my way to the C suite. Now I cannot be arsed. I'm about to take on a new team and dreading it.

I remember this feeling coming back to work after maternity leave - I did ask for a coach to help me settle back in and my organisation sorted that out for m which helped highly.

You are coming back off a huge deficit of sleep, even if you are sleeping now and it takes a while to get back to where you were cognitively. Is there someone you can talk to in your org about the challenges you are having - the good news is that your cognitive ability 100% comes back and you will be able to manage.

If you don’t want to be in a full time or such a demanding role that is a different decision but I’d wait until you feel you are really “back” before making a decision to reduce hours or step back in seniority as you sound like you are making it from a fearful place.

However There are loads of other great roles out there that may suit you better now! You have an amazing technical skill set that can be leveraged for many other softer skilled roles at a senior level. Be proud of yourself for achieving what you have in your career and having raised two young children to this point - you are amazing!

As someone about to make the same change, thank you so much for this encouragement! X

It's so tricky OP. It's really natural to want to focus more on your kids and less on your job when they are tiny, but don't make any decisions you may regret later. I stepped back in my career when I was 31 and had my first DC. I'm now 51 and still not back to earning as much as I was then! I don't regret it as I did love the time with my children when they were little. But then they grow up (mine are now late teens and the eldest is 20) and don't need you so much any more.

The night-time thing is an issue you can work on, whilst you decide what to do. DH needs to get involved here if you are to maintain your sanity and role as the key earner. You need decent chunks of sleep to do what you are doing.

Start by taking yourself off to bed at 8pm once a week, every week, with the agreement that unless the house is burning down, you won't be called until midnight. If necessary add a second night to this so that you start to feel human.

Even better, book a room in a local premier inn/spa hotel for a night (birthday present?) to give you one night of interrupted sleep and to give DH the chance to step up. It could be a Friday night, so that you can do Saturday night, if needs be. Then get DH into the habit that every Friday night is yours for sleep.

People here will tell you that he should be doing 90% of all night wakings - which he should. But my DH also had the capacity to sleep through earthquakes and by the time id woken him I was wide awake with the effort.

If your dh can't step up and do at least the majority of the nights, you can get professional support to sleep train the girls (or train your husband to understand how important sleep is to allow you to do a mentally taxing job)

Finally. yanbu to consider applying for different roles which may be less demanding, but if you can sort out the nights, it will be easier to consider your options rationally.

Best of luck.

Here you go @VioletBees, I’ve fixed it for you.

Unless they're desperate for money - I cannot understand how women parents are happy to drop kids off at 7am, pick them up at 7pm 5 days a week. Its not fair on the kids. Its not fair on the parent. It must be fucking exhausting for all involved.

Give it a bit more time and share the physical and mental load with your DH.

Never be in a position where you couldn't pay your own bills and provide for your children if you needed too.

I don’t think you’re wrong to feel like this. I had my dc young when I was in a more junior graduate job with less responsibility at work. My career then really took off as the dc hit secondary school and were a bit more independent but I think I would have struggled the other way around.

Just a quick message as am in same boat and dashing for school run.
im sorry that it’s hard.
i just wonder if there is any extra support you can get? also is your fear that you are not performing actually true? I spoke to my boss. She made it clear she was not expecting me to perform like I did before and that I had a run way and asked me to take it easier on myself and then reassess in 6 months and then a year. I also got a coach and some extra support. soeaking to other women in the same boat helped me too.

changing direction might be the best thing but I just now that when you are sleep deprived and in this stage it’s so hard to think clearly or to imagine that it will ever pass.

If you are expected to work out of hours and can't this would very quickly get overwhelming and that could impact your decision-making. Maybe have a day off to give yourself a chance to think carefully about what exactly is stressing you. . A lot might depend on what individuals are around you. If you have any supportive manager they may realise that this is a stage in your employment when you need to be working your hours only for a few years at least. In fact that shouldn't be controversial. The fact is employment can be a lot more flexible than one would imagine if the right people are there.
However you are the expert in your situation and being a working parent is a very different thing. Juggling is tough. If you can enjoy the kids they will enjoy you. You are never wrong to prioritise that as long as it's financially viable. But do take long term financial security seriously.
I wish you every success whatever you chose.

You’re in the eye of the storm right now OP. A baby and a toddler. I was the same, 19 months apart, I also work full time.

I didn’t have the option to reduce hours or leave work as we split up when the younger was an infant. I actually can’t believe now that I managed, how did I do that…

i do remember, that it all clicked and changed when they were four and onwards. And in big ways, it kept getting easier.

but I came to say - the brain power thing - that was me too - I felt like an empty vessel - but it comes back. That’s the bit that takes some time, your head is elsewhere so it just can’t focus. Thinking about it, you had a baby, then had months of a new pregnancy, had another baby and now have two, all in about thirty six months I’m guessing. It’s a massive “new” life to get a balance in.

do you have home childcare? A nanny? I did this and it made a huge huge difference for the early years. I was able to a lot in other after school stuff once they were old enough. This took a strain off the finances, but it was a great investment in me as much as the kids.

and unpopular opinion - I had thrown my life into my job. I wasn’t able to switch myself back on fully, and at some point I accepted I was the way I was and I wasn’t going to feel guilty about it (although I did a bit). Some might call it coasting. But it didn’t last forever. I coasted - such a weird feeling being in meetings and knowing you’ll be expected to offer something intelligent and worth considering, and to have nothing going on upstairs. I simply could not kick start that bit of my brain for quite a while but it does come back!!

kids now Tweenies and I feel sharp as a tack again.

Take your time and don’t be afraid of your decision. Can you drop to a four day week? I always wish I’d have had that option. It’s so normal now in the last ten years. It is tough, it will fly though, go easy on yourself X

think about your pensions too @applenet - Times saying a pot of £800k pp needed. Cut your salary now a you’ll lose a lot of compound interest savings and pensions at a key age and you’ll have to save much more later to catch up.

added to that, the future isn’t necessarily better,
challenges change - I had this fallacy things would get easier and they do in the sense that kids sleep, get more independent but then you hit peri menopause, or one of yo develops a health condition. Your parents get old and sick etc.

i’d look for more flexibility and a sideways move into something less technical personally.

i can relate - I kept working ft but turned down promotions and I’m a middle aged woman at risk of redundancy because I didn’t push into management and didn’t have time to upgrade my tech skills and i neglected my pension so paying a lot to try and recover that.

many friends who downshifted now panicking about pensions, savings, inability to retire when they develop something chronic.

I remember this feeling well. Please remember that you will get your brain back! It’s such early days and it sounds like your youngest has only just started sleeping better - of course you’ve not been performing at your best. What I found though was that when in your position I was the only one that thought I was underperforming. Everyone else was happy enough with my work. I didn’t overwork like it did before, but that wasn’t a problem. Sometimes it just takes an adjustment from ourselves to get used to no longer being an overperformer.

If the hours aren’t working for you etc that’s one thing but I wouldn’t be too hasty to look to step down a level if it’s just your own discomfort about your level of performance - that is very likely a temporary situation.

It can be hard to reverse a backwards move too. I thought, once my dc were a certain age I could move back up but you end up having been mum tracked, and still, lacking the confidence. This is partly a confidence issue and if you give into that, it doesn’t get easier to step back up mentally.

I don’t know what the answer is, but just to caution my best friend gave up a stressful career with two young kids and now really regrets it as the time will pass and another will come where you are ready to give more to your work. Can you survive working at the level of ‘good enough’ for a few years?

I think you need to have honest conversations with your employer and request part time (for now).
If your present employer isn’t willing to help then do look around for a sideways move to a more supportive employer.
You have in demands skills and experience all of which are of great value. In the right place you will be valued for what you can do. But all of us have to also fight for our own wellbeing, 100% is not sustainable in the long term.

Teenagers and adult kids are really expensive -
you can save money on days out to the park, library, beach etc (but not childcare) when they’re little…

Honestly, just hold on as long as you can to the job you already have. It will be worth it long term, the young knackering years are short.