AIBU to want to go down in seniority at my job and go backwards in my career since having kids

[applenet]

My children are 3yo and 12m and I am in a highly technical career really struggling mentally to get back into the headspace of being a productive, effective software developer.

I used to be ambitious, working out of hours on my technical skills and always prided myself on being good at my job and striving for more difficult work and more senior positions. But after coming back from maternity leave I just can’t do it. I just don’t feel like I’m smart enough any more to do the kinds of difficult intellectual work I used to do. I work from home and recently stopped breastfeeding and my baby has started sleeping at night, but I still can’t seem to just be “clever” like I used to be.

I feel the pressure every day to be some kind of technical whizz kid and I am struggling and feel like I’m failing all the time. I’m well paid so my family relies on my salary but I don’t feel up to it. Should I try to get another job somewhere else at a more junior level so the pressure is off me?

I feel like I’d be betraying my former self by reversing years of work to get into a senior position where my technical abilities are stretched and taken seriously so I don’t want to do something I’d regret. But I am crying every day now about how stupid I feel at work and how I can’t do what should be easy for me at my level and my abilities seem to have dropped to a much more junior engineer than my position or salary justifies.

I don’t know what to do.

And you are the main earner and need to support a family on this salary?

absolutely agree with this, give yourself time OP. I understand baby brain is a killer but you will get there. I would have a chat with your line manager and ask for some feedback on your performance. Good luck x

That’s interesting to hear that. Maybe I can just survive rather than thrive and stick it out.

Can you do part time? Or even a 4 day week?

Doubt it.

Yes, exactly.

My husband is a TA. Most of his colleagues who are in the same job have high earning spouses.

I agree! A good fix!

Saved this thread and only just remembered to respond. I found the first year after mat leave so tough; son was a bad teether and I had a senior job running a big digital transformation project. I felt I was coming to work hungover every day, and after about 10 months I was on my knees.

It all came to a head and I gave myself 3 months to find a job. I did find something a level down in a more corporate environment (known for flexible working). I look back now and my health was that shot I should have walked!

Stayed a level lower until son was 10, and stepped up again. I’m earning really well, but now perimenopause and other health issues have hit, I’m having another career moment! I’m 45 and probably want to leave business for good!

I wouldn’t hesitate to recommend taking a more manageable job while your kids are young. You will have the option to step up again when they’re older, but you may not want to. Each age/stage comes with its own challenges.

I'd pay the £20 or so a month to subscribe to the latest AI model best suited to your technical work and lean on it heavily. No way I'd be giving up a good income in a field where jobs - particularly entry level jobs - are going to be reduced heavily in the next few years.

I wouldnt step away from software engineering unless you want to permanantly step away from it because it will be impossible to get back into unless you go to a less hands on role.
I have stepped away now to a completely different job, because financially the time was right in terms of mortgage and pension and after 30 years i had had enough, but equally my children are at high school so are more independent.

Just to offer a different view. I had a period of doubting myself after I had dc3. I felt thick at work, whereas I have always been confident in my abilities at work. I felt slower than normal and was second guessing everything. For the first time ever I felt anxious going I to work, wasn't sleeping or eating well and generally felt unlike myself. I asked for a change to my hours but when that was not forthcoming handed in my notice. I did some cbt in the time I had off to help manage the symptoms of anxiety. Dh and I talked about it and he made sure I had time in the evenings to do my continuous professional development so that I could keep abreast of changes that had occurred whilst being on maternity leave. I also did revision of common topics that come up in my work. I then decided to go back to work on a self employed basis. I started off very slowly doing just 4 hours a week and when my confidence increased went up to 12 hours a week. Its been 4 years since then and my working week varies from 12 to 20 hours a week simply based on how I feel. I now simply do the hours I an comfortable with balancing my home life too. On occasion, I do more as dh and I can work around each other but I am careful not to allow myself to get overwhelmed again.

I should say the only reason I have been able to do so is because dh's income can support us and more importantly he is supportive and shares the load.

The point of my post is to offer some solidarity. I too felt like you did. I was able to talk it through with my dh and make changes that helped me get to a better place without giving up a career that I had worked hard for. I still enjoy what I do and even more so now that I am able to work the hours that I cam set for myself. I'm not suggesting you go self employed but perhaps a conversation with your oh about what you are finding particularly overwhelming might be useful. It might help you highlight where changes or adjustments can be made to support you. Best of luck op.

Can you temporarily step down a little with reduced days, or other flexible working to make life a little easier? Does your company offer flexible working? And don't forget you get up to four weeks of (unpaid) parental leave per child per year. Maybe use to give you a little breathing space and plan. ♥️

Coming back from Mat leave is the HARDEST point. Don’t rush into anything. Give yourself few months to get back into your groove and re-evaluate. Rather than stepping down (which I have also considered at a similar point) I would highly recommend going part-time. Working 3 days a week is a very good balance. You stagnate rather than going back. And in 3-5-10 years when you are ready you can go forward from where you are.

if you are trying to do full time post 2 kids and just after Mat leave, I’d say that’s brutal. I have only just gone back full time after 15 years part time in senior roles. Went full time when I was ready for a huge promotion & new job (and I still wish I could go back to part time!)

You've had kids. Your world has shifted. That's normal and OK. Noone tells women that before maternity.

Perfectly normal.

I've coasted. Many of us have. We might get the drive back but you literally have 2x 24 hour jobs (your kids) to do that you didn't before. You're tired. It's a natural flux so don't fight the current.

Go in, do your job, go home again. That's what they pay you for. It doesn't need to be more complicated. Your ambition, drive, career pride is no longer as much of your identity as it was and that's OK. Be a mum, bake, eat, be tired, look at soft play reviews and beat yourself up over upf. It's just that stage of life and it will be gone before you know it, even if it feels interminably long right now.

And just to add, I think it took until my dd was at school for the post natal hormones to level out and feel like a normal person again.

Were allocated 12 months mat as if that's all it takes to spring back from birth and babies. And noone tells you to expect it! They just act like youre on a years holiday and boom, back to work like you havent been up in the nught and fully up since 5am sorting out a baby that thinks thats a perfectly reasonable time to start the day. Wild.

AI does do a lot of the work now, we used it heavily at work but I am supposed to be working on harder level problems than the AI can solve at the moment with the number of systems it’s connected to. Maybe that will change. It does let me produce some work so I don’t look like I’m doing literally nothing. I will try to lean into the AI as much as possible and hang on for a bit and see how it goes in a month.

Thank you for all your experiences and advice, it’s definitely given me food for thought and I don’t feel so much like a failure anymore, like maybe I am just normal and it’s not just me.

I know exactly how you feel. I am a teacher at the top of the pay scale but I get a pretty hefty TLR for leading SEN as well. I’m the only one at the top of the pay scale in my (small) school so this means I mentor all new staff which is a large job, and just a few extra responsibilities too.
Im currently on mat leave and when I go back, part time isn’t an option, but I desperately want to give up my TLR and also go a few notches down the pay scale so I don’t have to mentor and do other bits. It would mean around £15k less a year. I would just rather have more time to spend with my child after work and be less stressed etc. But I feel like a bit of a career failure for wanting this. I worked so hard to get where I am. It’s tough isn’t it.

I think its very normal. Pre kids I think my mind did a lot of unconscious processing outside of work that helped a lot. Post kids my mind outside of work wasn't able to be background processing work and I struggled. However I switched roles- sideways so same pay and went part time and that helped massively. I really didn’t want to work the same amount of hours for less pay because all jobs jave stresses and shit parts so may as well get the most pay I can for my time away from my kids.