Husband always off when I go out with man crazy friend

[Anouke]

So I do have one friend who is absolutely man CRAZY. I mean she is absolutely single bloody minded on a night out. It’s like a dog in heat. She also likes saying outrageous things (often does so in front of my husband). I just tell her to behave tbh.

All she wants to do is flirt and “meet” a guy. I do think it can be a bit much but leave her to it mostly. I just see it as one of her quirks. Do I think it’s uber healthy? No but I’ve shared my thoughts with friend and left it at that. I’m not her mother but obviously try to steer her when I see her making crazy choices. She is a bit of a Samantha (SATC) wannabe but sadly I do think it’s a bit of an act.

Anyway, husband is always a bit off when I say I’m going out with this friend. She’s a lot of fun. I’ll say I’m going with “Liv” and he’ll say something a bit dismissive. And questions why I’m friends with her 😂. He definitely doesn’t like her.

I mean I wouldn’t ever do anything inappropriate but I see nothing wrong in being her wing woman so to speak and chatting to a guy on a night out.

My sister was over the other day and said she doesn’t think Liv is an appropriate friend! And that I should reconsider my friendship as it clearly makes my husband uncomfortable. It just seems mad to me and a very 19th century take.

i asked husband who said he does question why I enjoy spending time with her and when she’s it hunting for men. Such a horrible, judgmental take imo.

Am I the one missing the mark? I don’t think so. We are late 20s. Married for a year. No kids.

She's not a good friend or a 'woman's woman' if she says inappropriate things to YOUR husband.
Don't enable her behaviour with 'its just how she is'.. She needs to do better!

What did she say to him??

He is probably worried that her lack of moral compass and boundaries will rub off on you.

Obvious to everyone reading this the issue here. You wouldn't be posting this if you didn't have a niggling feeling too. I imagine your one bad decision away from being single..

Is he good looking out of interest?

Maybe you just have a different moral compass to other mumnetters...

Can you not see how that is disrespectful to your husband?

DH and I got together very young, we both went out with friends who were on the pull and had a laugh about it. Both spoke to and had/made friends of the opposite sex too. I don't know why people are so bothered by it. You either trust your spouse or you don't. If they want to cheat they will do it, regardless of what their friends are up to.

Some men are going to look at her an think one thing that she's a bit of an old ----
and at least I wouldn't have to pay for it.
She must be very insecure in herself to want to do this just to get attention.
I'm with your h, and I wouldn't put up with it if my h went around with a mate who was trying to shag anything with a pulse.

Exactly

I was single for years and enjoyed the Samantha SATC lifestyle but didn’t do it when out with my gfs as a regular thing! Certainly not if they were coupled up. When I went out with my gfs they were the priority as I wanted to spend time with them. And if I did meet someone on a night out, I’d chat with them a little bit, make my excuses, give them my number and get back to my friends. I mainly met guys through other activities I did on my own like hobbies or out and about. Didn’t need a wing woman. So your friend sounds like she just needs a wing woman, not a friend, and you must enjoy it somewhat as it’s incredibly boring watching someone else try to get laid. Do you ever do activities, hobbies or have conversations that isn’t about dating with her?

I wouldn’t want my DH to spend his free time pimping for a friend who couldn’t talk about much else. But I know DH would find it boring, one sided and a bit creepy and has previously (of his own volition) declined to hang with a mate who was always on the prowl. It’s not old fashioned values, it’s wanting fulfilling friendships where you enjoy time doing things you both enjoy together. And respecting your relationship by not making the chatting up of men a regular event on the social calendar, whatever the reasons.

The issue is not the friend, though she sounds hard work. The issue is your relationship. You have a friend whose lascivious behaviour makes your husband feel uncomfortable. You don’t have to ditch the friend to be sensitive to this. You simply don’t expose your husband to her and you choose the occasions and venues you see her more carefully to avoid being exposed to the worst of the behaviour.
similarly, if your husband had a friend whose behaviour made you feel uncomfortable, you would be within your rights to expect him not to expose you to it or to modify the occasions and venues he went to with this friend. (Day at the football fine. Strip joint not fine) we make small compromises for the people we love because we love them and we don’t want to hurt them.
Marriages can be more vulnerable things than we appreciate. Protecting them from other people’s sexualised behaviour, from gossip and from intrusion makes sense in my opinion. Unless you husband is behaving wholly unreasonably, you should try not to make him feel uncomfortable and he should do the same for you. These small kindnesses matter in long term relationships.

This is a disgusting and disgraceful post.

You're contradicting yourself, @Anouke. On the one hand, you say "It’s not like we set out to meet guys." But on the other hand, you say "I mean she is absolutely single bloody minded on a night out. It’s like a dog in heat." Which is it?

"i asked husband who said he does question why I enjoy spending time with her and when she’s it hunting for men. Such a horrible, judgmental take imo."
Judgemental, really? Just from reading what you've written here, I also wonder why you enjoy spending time with her! Because what you've said here includes "Yes it can be tiresome" and "It can be tedious" and " I do think it can be a bit much". You have to "just tell her to pack it in when I’m really annoyed" - which means you do get annoyed; and "If she starts chatting to the men on the table next to us and I’m not feeling it will reel it in" - which suggests sometimes you are 'feeling it' which begs the question, 'what then?'.

So what is there to enjoy about spending time with with a woman who is "like a dog in heat"? It's not like you are the focus of her attention, she'll always be looking over your shoulder to see what men are within range and only half-listening to you whilst she considers how to strike up a conversation with "the men on the table next to us". You may say you "see nothing wrong in being her wing woman" - but do you really never tire of being used?

"But I’ve know this person since we were six. She’s harmless. She’s always loved attention."
Is that what it's about - that you've known her so long? Do you feel you have to look out for her? Do you feel you have to be there to protect her? Do you feel she endangers herself? Do you feel responsible for her? And - does she have any other friends?

As for your attempt to dismiss other people's opinions as a "19th century take" and "Sorry didn’t realise we lived under taliban rule" - all that shows is that you know damned fine that going out with "a dog in heat" invites people to consider the old saying that you can tell the character of a [wo]man by the company that [s]he keeps. And that bothers you, or you wouldn't be so hyperbolic.

I don’t see anything wrong with you being friends with her she is a single woman who is just having fun and knows when to stop and you’re keeping safe and stopping her from doing silly dangerous things. You’re not doing anything wrong at all and neither is your friend she is just enjoying being young, free and single and that’s allowed.

To be fair you set the tone with your posts, describing your friend as like a dog on heat is pretty disgusting in itself.

YABVU. If a woman posted on here complaining that her husband had a male friend like your 'Liv', she'd be told it was a red flag and that her husband must have similar values to his friend. Your husband and your sister are right and you are wrong. Oh, and your friend sounds like an utter desperado. That sort of thing is mildly amusing for someone in their teens or early twenties. By late twenties it's just a bit pathetic.

Very sound advice/point of view. It’s hard to say you are wrong. Don’t judge your friend but see why it upsets your husband.

But it's true though that's why it offends you so much. I've heard blokes talk like this and have known the partners and husbands of friends who talk like it too.

You said it OP in your opening post.😕

No issue with Liv's behaviour although I'd find her a bit annoying. However if I were in your husband's shoes I would feel extremely uncomfortable because of your 'wing woman' behaviour (me and my H are also in our late 20s and wouldn't dream of this). It's nothing to do with being under the 'Taliban rule', it's just simple respect, plus men are annoying so you wouldn't catch me chatting to one on a night out.

I mean…I don’t think your DH or sister should be dictating who you are friends with…but I personally wouldn’t be able to cope with this kind of woman to be honest. What do you get out of the friendship? It sounds tedious (and honestly a bit embarrassing!) to be with such a man-chaser 🤷‍♀️

You asked for advice but don't seem to like what is being offered.

So I do have one friend who is absolutely man CRAZY. I mean she is absolutely single bloody minded on a night out. It’s like a dog in heat.

i asked husband who said he does question why I enjoy spending time with her and when she’s it hunting for men. Such a horrible, judgmental take imo.

What?
You say this, and think HE is judgey?

Yes, and calling her friend 'it'.

"It’s like a dog in heat."

This.

Putting aside your husband and sisters views (which I agree with tbh), I really can't see how it can even be enjoyable to go out on a night out with someone like this? Unless you like the male attention too...

I go out with my friends to spend time with them having a laugh and a catch up. Not follow them around whilst they try and find a bloke to shag.