Husband always off when I go out with man crazy friend

[Anouke]

So I do have one friend who is absolutely man CRAZY. I mean she is absolutely single bloody minded on a night out. It’s like a dog in heat. She also likes saying outrageous things (often does so in front of my husband). I just tell her to behave tbh.

All she wants to do is flirt and “meet” a guy. I do think it can be a bit much but leave her to it mostly. I just see it as one of her quirks. Do I think it’s uber healthy? No but I’ve shared my thoughts with friend and left it at that. I’m not her mother but obviously try to steer her when I see her making crazy choices. She is a bit of a Samantha (SATC) wannabe but sadly I do think it’s a bit of an act.

Anyway, husband is always a bit off when I say I’m going out with this friend. She’s a lot of fun. I’ll say I’m going with “Liv” and he’ll say something a bit dismissive. And questions why I’m friends with her 😂. He definitely doesn’t like her.

I mean I wouldn’t ever do anything inappropriate but I see nothing wrong in being her wing woman so to speak and chatting to a guy on a night out.

My sister was over the other day and said she doesn’t think Liv is an appropriate friend! And that I should reconsider my friendship as it clearly makes my husband uncomfortable. It just seems mad to me and a very 19th century take.

i asked husband who said he does question why I enjoy spending time with her and when she’s it hunting for men. Such a horrible, judgmental take imo.

Am I the one missing the mark? I don’t think so. We are late 20s. Married for a year. No kids.

OP has no intention of doing anything wrong so I can’t see the problem. Some of the replies are weird.

It is. Research indicates a significant "divorce contagion" effect where a close friend's divorce increases your own risk by up to 75%. This phenomenon, known as "divorce clustering," spreads through social networks, as witnessing a friend's happier, post-divorce life can make divorce feel more normalized or desirable.

Hope for your sake your DH doesn't start flirting back in response.
You said 'if I'm not feeling it I reel.it in' So sometimes you go along with her behaviour . Not surprised your husband is not happy.

Sorry didn’t realise we lived under taliban rule. I don’t see anything wrong with having a chat to a random bloke on a night out. It never goes further. I’m really surprised at these responses!

I mean; just from your descriptions of her behaviour I dont think Id like her. So I can only imagine DH has the same icks that I've got.

Some people are just chalk and cheese

It’s about being respectful when married .
It’s about sitting with your friend who you described as “ Man crazy “ always on the pull when you guys are out together.
She’s trying to get with someone ,( while you’re her wing woman , also your words btw) , & you’re there chatting to “ some random bloke “ .
It’s just not on in anyone’s book .
Have you read what everyone is saying here ?
You don’t have to live under Taliban rule to know it’s not cool & your husband is right , we would all be the same if it was us , we wouldn’t like it , & as I’ve said already I can’t imagine how it would sit perfectly fine with you .
Your husband out chatting to random women while his buddy is trying to get with her friend .
I wonder if that friend of yours was married would she be your wing woman ?, or would she be showing her husband a bit more respect.

You can absolutely chat to whoever you want. Likewise, your friend can go out on the pull and shag whoever she wants as she is single.

But where’s the fun in this for you, being her wing woman? Your life has moved on as you are married and not out on the pull. You can still be friends but the friendship should naturally evolve away from all that.

Surely when you are out, you want to talk to each other. Have a proper catch up. Not sit chatting to random men (who will probably quite happily ignore the fact that you are married) and watch her trying to be the centre of attention and cop off.

What do you get out of this friendship?

Bookmarking this for when you come back here expressing unease about the fact your husband has started spending a lot of time with his recently single mate Ash who is one of those life of the party womaniser types who likes to get blind drunk every weekend and have unprotected sex with randoms.

“Show me who your friends are, and I’ll tell you who you are.” Taught that decades ago and still reverberates to today.

She sounds awful. Attention seeker. Do none of these men make it to full relationships with her?

Are you her only friend?

I could not be friends with someone who has that little self respect, dress it up anyway you like so have zero self esteem but if it genuinely works for you fine but yes it a reflection on you same as all our friends are of us

oh sorry, here we where thinking you where asking for honest advice. Next time start your post with can you guys validate me and criticise my husband please. So now knowing what you’re after here goes.

how dare your husband be bothered at the thought of his wife going out for the sole purpose of talking to men who most likely are hoping to get in her pants. What a bastard. Your sister sounds like a stuck up snob to, who doesn’t want to hang out with a woman who attracts men that want nothing more than an easy shag she would be happier living under the taliban. Tell your husband not to care the sooner he stops caring the better, tell him that caring is somehow making you feel a little guilty and that’s leading to resentment. Unless he’s a complete sap I think you’ll see the man he is when he leaves and you can be as free & happy as your mate. Just ignore all the doubts about her putting on an act, happiness and the unhealthy habits.

⬆️ This! We're not living in the 50's anymore & you can do what you like & there needs to be trust in a marriage, etc. BUT your husband has a point. 🤷‍♀️

So she's just using you?

I can see why your DH doesn't like it, she's not much of a friend and she'd ditch you at the first sign of some dick, leaving you alone with some random men. If you can't see the issue, I think you need to look a bit harder.

I’d be pissed off if I were your DH. I would also be pissed off if my friend didn’t want to actually spend the evening talking to me, but was always off looking for someone more entertaining to talk to.

I had a friend like this, except we met in our 40s. It gets extremely boring the older you get, trust me. For my 50th, she arranged this really special night out for the two of us at a beautiful restaurant and then fancy cocktail bar. She spent the night hardly engaging with me at all - her eyes constantly roaming the room for men. When I was talking, she wasn't even looking at me.

I realised my birthday - and my friendship in general - was just an excuse for her to have someone to go out with while she man hunted and that she gave zero fucks about me really.

I'd not be happy about my partner doing this.

i'd be more pissed off at my friend who can't spend an evening out having a good time with me and was always looking for a man. It doesn't show you ranking very highly. I'd be very interested in her reaction if you wanted to switch night out to lunches, dinner, hikes, or any activity that's not in a meat market.

I can where your dh is coming from, wouldn’t want my dh chatting to other women as a wing man.
i have a friend a bit like this, we keep it to lunch and breakfast dates now

Why are you surprised? In your first post you describe her as ‘man crazy’ and that she says outrageous things to your DH. Do you think that’s normal? What if DHs friends said outrageous things to you? I’m certain you’d find that at least annoying and creepy.
Your friend sounds pretty desperate tbh. Are there times when she abandons you to go off with some random bloke? If my friends behaved like this when we were on a night out I’d pretty soon stop going out with them because I’d find it all too tedious.

Am I the one missing the mark?

Yes. You sound emotionally immature and lack social awareness.

It has norhing to do wirh Taliban rule and everything to do with lack of respect. I wouldn't be surprised if your huband starts going out with his women hunting mates.

After all, what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

Absolutely nothing wrong with DP or I occasionally being the wingperson for a single friend but I don't think I could be friends with someone whose defining character trait is apparently how "man crazy" she is, and if DP had a "woman crazy" friend I would also wonder why he wanted to spend so much time with him.

And to be clear that's not a slut-shaming view - I'm all for single people having as much casual sex as they want, I certainly did - but when you're socialising with your friends, that night out shouldn't revolve around the single person always wanting to pull. I'd find it very boring.

For me, it's not the nights out, being your friend's wing woman. It's the fact your friend makes inappropriate comments to your husband. I'm assuming these comments are flirty/sexual? If your friend is comfortable in making inappropriate comments to your husband, then it says that her moral compass isn't too strong.

Perhaps your husband has laughed off comments, but he might actually feel uncomfortable. After all she's your friend, and here she is behaving inappropriately towards him. If your husband was inclined to flirt back, my guess she'd take that as a green light, that he was interested. I don't think her being your friend, would necessarily stop her from taking it further.

Unfortunately, there are women out there, who don't give a damn if a man is married or in a relationship, they will pursue him, no matter what. Girl-code doesn't exist for some.

There's nothing wrong in flirting if a single woman sees a man she fancies. There is something wrong, when that same person is making comments to friend's husband's etc. I agree with others, you are married, even if you are honest with any man that is tagging along with his mate. Your friend needs to reign it in - save those type of nights out with another single woman.

She sounds tedious and the whole thing sounds tawdry. So you’re talking to any random bloke while she’s off shagging people in alleyways/ toilets- no thanks.

As you say it’s a free country and you’re not committing a crime but I can see why your DH is a bit miffed. He’s probably slightly worried that she’s so sketchy she’ll
leave you in a dangerous situation, that maybe you’ll get grief from the blokes who think you behave like your friend, or that maybe one day you might be tempted to cheat- say if you’re pissed and/ or you and DH have had a row.

Either way it’s up to you but like others, I’d be meeting her for lunch or a meal early-evening for a bit and seeing if I really missed the evenings out.

And yes if my DP wanted to regularly go on nights out drinking with a friend who regularly regaled me proudly with tales of how many women he’s shagged/ threesomes/ other drunken bad behaviour I would think something was a bit wrong with him.