Husband always off when I go out with man crazy friend

[Anouke]

So I do have one friend who is absolutely man CRAZY. I mean she is absolutely single bloody minded on a night out. It’s like a dog in heat. She also likes saying outrageous things (often does so in front of my husband). I just tell her to behave tbh.

All she wants to do is flirt and “meet” a guy. I do think it can be a bit much but leave her to it mostly. I just see it as one of her quirks. Do I think it’s uber healthy? No but I’ve shared my thoughts with friend and left it at that. I’m not her mother but obviously try to steer her when I see her making crazy choices. She is a bit of a Samantha (SATC) wannabe but sadly I do think it’s a bit of an act.

Anyway, husband is always a bit off when I say I’m going out with this friend. She’s a lot of fun. I’ll say I’m going with “Liv” and he’ll say something a bit dismissive. And questions why I’m friends with her 😂. He definitely doesn’t like her.

I mean I wouldn’t ever do anything inappropriate but I see nothing wrong in being her wing woman so to speak and chatting to a guy on a night out.

My sister was over the other day and said she doesn’t think Liv is an appropriate friend! And that I should reconsider my friendship as it clearly makes my husband uncomfortable. It just seems mad to me and a very 19th century take.

i asked husband who said he does question why I enjoy spending time with her and when she’s it hunting for men. Such a horrible, judgmental take imo.

Am I the one missing the mark? I don’t think so. We are late 20s. Married for a year. No kids.

This isn't actually about flirting or the potential to heat, it's about husband saying "I get pissed off about x, y, z".
Your response is ffs, I'll do x, y and z if I want to.
You've completely glossed over the fact that 1.he's pissed off 2. he's being open with you and sharing his feelings. And 3. the reason he's done that is he hopes you can help him stop being so pissed off.

This is how communication in a marriage can win you through tough times. He's doing it right. However, your response "fuck your feelings" just makes me think your marriage is eventually doomed and I get there without even commenting on your fun friend. No need.

Cheat, not heat, doh

Why on earth would that be a problem? Or are married people not suppose to chat to the opposite sex socially? Am confused here

But she's OPs friend It doesn't matter if others don't like her.
I have a friend my OH cannot stand. He just doesn't have to see her

God i had a friend like this, constantly looking for men, ignoring me, even flirting with my then boyfriend! She doesn't sound like a real friend tbh and quite sad, actually

its not about talking to the opposite sex it’s about going out with the intention of talking to the opposite sex purely to flirt or get her mate a shag
.

I’m sorry but I think some of you are slut shaming. She’s a single woman. Not doing anyone any harm. When I find it annoying I tell my friend to have a day off and she does.

No-one is slut shaming. Your friend can do what she likes. I fins it worrying that you don't understand the difference between talking socially to someone of the opposite sex and going out with a friend on the pull and flirting with the opposite sex.

You don't sound mature enough to be married.

I sit on the fence with this one, if it were my husband and his single woman hungry friend then I:

1. wouldn’t expect him to stop being friends with his mate just because he likes female attention on a night out, I still trust DH so wouldn’t care unless:

2. My DH was then chatting to woman on night outs at bars etc with his mate, I’d find that inappropriate.

DP has a friend like this, and I will admit I do feel a bit irate when she goes out with her (although I think / hope I do a better job of hiding it that your husband does @Anouke )

It's not because I think DP is going to cheat, or that she's disrespecting me or anything like that. It's simply that DP always comes back from these nights out in a foul mood, because she's spent the night being dragged around and ignored by her friend while she chases man after man.

And then DP spends the next day hungover, having spent a load of money. Neither of which I'd usually mind, except she hasn't even had the benefit of an enjoyable night from it. And then a couple of months later she'll be off out with her again, complaining about it before she's even left.

I don’t know am I old fashioned here , but when I was married , I never spoke to men out that I didn’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️
Like why would I be talking to guys I’ve never met before ?
Yes , I did obviously when I was single, but is this not how marriage & being single works ??.
Plus in this story here in particular, one is married , one isn’t , the one who isn’t married is always looking to hook up with someone while she is with her friend that is married, that to me is a dynamic that does not work .

I don't think any of us are 'slut shaming' as you put it OP. Your girlfriend is entitled to act as she likes, BUT she is SINGLE, you are not!

From my experience, if a couple of guys go out on the pull, and your friend acts up to them, guys being guys will think you are BOTH 'up for it', which is what your DH is afraid of, he is a man, and therefore knows how men think, and unless you are incredibly naive, you must be aware of it too. I think quite honestly that you're trying to kid us into thinking you're not interested in flirting and messing around, which could lead you into a situation where you are, as men would put it, 'asking for it', which is extremely foolish on your part. I'm not saying that you can't act as you like, but merely pointing out that men tend to look at this sort of thing in a totally different way, and again, this is what your DH is afraid of.

For anyone who thinks that I'm saying that the OP is asking to be sexually assaulted, I am DEFINITELY not, as I'm a firm believer in NO meaning NO, but there are a lot of guys out there who won't take no for an answer, and even less so when they've had a few drinks.

If you’re asking whether your husband is entitled to feel uncomfortable with this situation, you’ve had pretty much unanimous responses that he is. It just sounds as though that wasn’t what you wanted to hear. What you do with the advice that you asked for is up to you.

You've asked whether or not people here believe you are being unreasonable. Seems the general opinion is that you are indeed being unreasonable. What did you hope to get from posting this? Naturally anyone would want to be told they are being reasonable, however sadly in this case you're in the wrong. That's the answer to your question.

IMO I understand where your DH is coming from. I think that his reaction is also normal and natural.

I don't think anyone reasonable would be against your single friend going out and having fun with hooking up. That's fine and reasonable behaviour.

The problem comes from you going out with her when she's on the pull. That's inappropriate for a married woman/man. Helping her get men to hookup with falls into the same category. I don't believe for one second that you're unfaithful or that you're flirting with these men.

I think you're being a bit too innocent and dare I say naive here. You must surely see why your husband would be a bit put out by this?

I'll go further and risk being called an abusive and controlling wife myself here by saying I would not let my husband go out with guy.

Please try to imagine that your DH had a male friend who was going out on the pull and that your DH was helping this man get one night stands by being a wingman. Would you really not care?

I think the bigger issue here is that she has a habit of saying outrageous things to your husband. She may be doing it because she likes the 'shock value' and not out of any intent to cause discomfort, but given your husband's feelings, I'd say it's very likely that her comments make him feel uncomfortable.

I think you need to establish a firm boundary around this. Nothing wrong with her trying to pull men, but if her attention-seeking comments are making your husband feel uncomfortable, then I think you need to make her aware and ask her to refrain from making any more such comments in front of him.

There's no slut shaming. You are the one that describes your friend as "man crazy" or like a "dog in heat". I think people are trying to be balanced and question what are you getting from the relationship or do you enjoy some aspects of her behaviour and like going out with her and partaking in it up to a point. If so that's fine but don't expect your DH to be ok with it and not voice an opinion.

You are the company you keep. She sounds like a sleaze, why would you want her as a friend??

Yabu - most spouses wouldn’t like their husband/wife going out with a person like your friend.

You are slut shaming your friend by using terms like dog in heat, man crazy etc While you are happy to be your friend’s wingwoman, most people want to spend time with their friends when they go out so would find your opinion unusual (not wrong).

If you were a man and your partner was a woman who wrote the post then they’d get lots of sympathy. Not because they thought that the partner would be cheating but it sounds so sleazy to hunt for a “victim” because the friend is horny.

Same here! One of my friends is loathed by DH but it doesnt affect my friendship.

Perhaps your husband is worried that she will hook up with a man and leave you alone.
Or the guy you're wing womaning doesn't want to take no for an answer
Or one of the guy spikes your drink
Or she gets you to go to some dodgy area and you get mugged.

She sounds an absolute mare.

In classic mumsnet style

op : am I unreasonable?
mn : yes
op : no I’m not!

You don’t like your DH or posters on this thread judging your friend. But you’re the one who refers to her as ‘like a dog on heat’. Hypocrite.

you’re obviously not going to stop playing wing man to your friend. A choice you’re entitled to make. But I don’t think it’s fair to negate your husband’s feelings on this.

to be honest, I’d feel the same way as he evidently does. I’d be disappointed if my spouse disrespected our marriage in this way.

The fact that you do vociferously defend her and are happy to be her wing woman suggests that the reality is you quite like the attention too…. Even if you have no intention of ever acting on it.

This is what your DH is picking up on and telling you he is uncomfortable with.

I think you’ve had a bit of a hard time on here OP.

But there is a bit of a balance that must be struck when you’ve got friends at different points in their lives. I think your friend needs to respect that you’re married and take you off wing woman duty, I think that’s where it’s getting inappropriate or causing your DH to be concerned.

My DH goes out with a friend who is single and always tells me if they’ve spoken to any women. And his friend also respects that my DH is married so conversations with strangers are generally kept friendly and jovial but short. DH’s friend probably will have a bit of a flirt but will have no real intent to pursue. They’ve met up to see each other not to ‘pull.’

I don’t see any harm in friendly chat here and there but I think she needs to save anything further than that for nights with single friends or a larger group setting.

Your friend sounds utterly desperate and a lot of men will sense that a mile off.