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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want both people?

79 replies

Wishthingswerenouting · 10/02/2026 17:09

Sticky situation. I’ve been dating a number of people recently. Suddenly found myself inundated with offers (I know!) and I don’t know what to do.

I’ve basically narrowed it down to 2 people I’m interested in. But the problem is neither know about each other and I’m finding it difficult to “choose”. We’ve not had conversations about being “exclusive” but I can tell the assumption is there to be exclusive soon if not now. Neither have asked if I’m seeing anybody else and I’ve not volunteered the information. Both know I’ve been dating various people over the last few months. The thing is I’ve spent my life in relationships and have very much been enjoying the freedom of dating around. I’m just feeling a bit guilty right now (not sure why as I’m single) and also a little pressured to cut someone off - but I don’t want to.

person A - lives far from me (approx 3 hours), great job that can be done from anywhere, very attractive, seems to tick all boxes, funny but not AS funny as person B. Prioritises me “being happy” and is clear on what they want from life. Adventurous but tied down to where they currently live for the time being due to caring for elderly family. Has discussed moving when the time comes.

person b - lives 5 minutes away, decent enough job with set shifts, very attractive but not my usual type, ticks plenty of boxes, very funny, also prioritises my happiness but we’ve not yet had deep life discussions, very caring, very adventurous loves to travel. No ties but a few mutual ties in our pasts which make me feel a little awkward.

WWYD? I’ve been on 2 dates with each. Person B has spent more “none date” time with me purely due to distance. I don’t actually want to choose at this point. But the net is closing in as both are raising an eyebrow when I’m not as active in replying when I’m with the other.

yabu - make a choice and settle down
yanbu - stick to dating both and wait to see how it plays out

OP posts:
Original poster
Wishthingswerenouting · 10/02/2026 17:10

Worth noting I’m speaking to both regularly throughout the day so these conversations aren’t limited to the dates.

OP posts:
RubyFatball · 10/02/2026 17:11

The thing you seem not to be considering is their reaction if they found out you weren’t being exclusive - are you shagging them both? You could stand to lose both.

Ninerainbows · 10/02/2026 17:12

Honestly unless I was head over heels for someone 3 hours away I couldn't be arsed with long distance.

BernardButlersBra · 10/02/2026 17:12

I would give it more time and more dates, if you haven’t agreed to be exclusive or serious. My instinct is person B. I’ve noticed a trend on here and with the people l know, men (massive assumption on my part about B!) always seen to assume / insist their partner moves to their area

Sartre · 10/02/2026 17:13

I think B sounds like a better fit. LDR’s are hard and take lots of effort. You also listed more positives about B than A.

There might be an assumption about exclusivity, it can be ambiguous so if they find out about each other they might be pissed off.

Arlanymor · 10/02/2026 17:13

If you don't want to choose now then don't. I wouldn't be making a decision based on two dates, no matter how much I was communicating with them outside of actual dates. As with most things, if you give it more time then it will become more obvious which you prefer. Minimum of three months for me.

Mosaic80 · 10/02/2026 17:14

I think I’d be tempted to have one more date with both (or just with B initially as they’re nearer) then decide.

Original poster
Wishthingswerenouting · 10/02/2026 17:14

RubyFatball · 10/02/2026 17:11

The thing you seem not to be considering is their reaction if they found out you weren’t being exclusive - are you shagging them both? You could stand to lose both.

True. I guess I’d be arguing we haven’t had that conversation and the assumption is that we’re seeing others due to not being exclusive (for all I know they are!) I think person B would be much less “offended” than person A who’s a bit more forthcoming in wanting me and me only iyswim

both are asking to go out on valentines which is very awkward.

OP posts:
Macadamian · 10/02/2026 17:15

Definitely B. Long distance is hard. Person A appears to have nothing over B except a great job - what does this mean? Richer? If you're genuinely considering choosing a difficult LDR just because he is richer, that's a bad plan! I appreciate it is probably more nuanced than this however.

Original poster
Wishthingswerenouting · 10/02/2026 17:17

Macadamian · 10/02/2026 17:15

Definitely B. Long distance is hard. Person A appears to have nothing over B except a great job - what does this mean? Richer? If you're genuinely considering choosing a difficult LDR just because he is richer, that's a bad plan! I appreciate it is probably more nuanced than this however.

Richer, if I’m honest more attractive, and more of a “doer” than B. At first I liked the idea of a LDR because I’ve been enjoying being single. If I go for B it’ll very much be an expectation of seeing each other multiple times per week

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 10/02/2026 17:20

After 2 dates ypu barely know either of them .
Too soon to chose.
Tell them you staying in on valentines for a galentine

Or one for lunch and one for dinner?

Original poster
Wishthingswerenouting · 10/02/2026 17:25

cestlavielife · 10/02/2026 17:20

After 2 dates ypu barely know either of them .
Too soon to chose.
Tell them you staying in on valentines for a galentine

Or one for lunch and one for dinner?

Tried the galentines thing! It fell flat.

you are correct its too soon to choose. But both are sort of angling about exclusivity. Getting jealous would be harsh to say, but both have joked about not wanting to “share” and sort of sent memes about not letting anyone else access me if that makes sense.

I didn’t expect to find myself contemplating a relationship this soon into the year let alone having options for such!

RE the galentines thing, one of them said words to the effect of not loving the idea of me going out with my single friends (mix of male and female) on valentines. Insinuating we would pull or pull each other sort of thing.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 10/02/2026 17:30

Maybe that one is showing signs of jealousy or control. You can say long planned outing with the gang. Who presumably you know longer than "two dates" ... See you on 15th.

CookingFatCat · 10/02/2026 17:36

Which one gives you fanny flutters?

Original poster
Wishthingswerenouting · 10/02/2026 17:37

CookingFatCat · 10/02/2026 17:36

Which one gives you fanny flutters?

Both 😂😂😂😂

OP posts:
Stuckincircles · 10/02/2026 17:38

Mate, they clearly both think you're already exclusive!

SpringTimeIsRingTime · 10/02/2026 17:39

You're a dishonest individual dating two men at the same time.
Don't expect any relationship to last with that attitude.

PeonyPatch · 10/02/2026 17:42

Problem is the longer you continue to date both of them, the deeper the emotional connection you are likely developing for both which is not only going to make it harder for you to let go of one of them (or even both), but it’s also not fair on these two men either.

I also get from the post that you are enjoying being single and you’re somewhat motivated to decide out of guilt, not a want, to be with either of these men.

You could continue to date them to see how you feel, but ultimately I think the answer lies in yourself in that you really need to honestly ask yourself what you want. What are your values? Who is the better partner? Who would make you happiest? If you’re enjoying being single and just dating casually, then you should probably tell them this…

MakeYourOwnSunshine · 10/02/2026 17:42

RE the galentines thing, one of them said words to the effect of not loving the idea of me going out with my single friends (mix of male and female) on valentines. Insinuating we would pull or pull each other sort of thing.

I would dump whichever one said this!

outerspacepotato · 10/02/2026 17:43

You've only been on 2 dates with both. It's way too early to be thinking of being exclusive.

You know you don't have to be exclusive unless you really want to be, don't you?

TessSaysYes · 10/02/2026 17:44

After only 2 dates why all the pressure to decide already?

Goldfsh · 10/02/2026 17:45

outerspacepotato · 10/02/2026 17:43

You've only been on 2 dates with both. It's way too early to be thinking of being exclusive.

You know you don't have to be exclusive unless you really want to be, don't you?

I find it WILD how dating works these days. IN MY DAY (stone age) you would just date one person at a time.

ANYWAY. I'd always go with funny. Life is serious enough.

bigboykitty · 10/02/2026 17:45

Wishthingswerenouting · 10/02/2026 17:25

Tried the galentines thing! It fell flat.

you are correct its too soon to choose. But both are sort of angling about exclusivity. Getting jealous would be harsh to say, but both have joked about not wanting to “share” and sort of sent memes about not letting anyone else access me if that makes sense.

I didn’t expect to find myself contemplating a relationship this soon into the year let alone having options for such!

RE the galentines thing, one of them said words to the effect of not loving the idea of me going out with my single friends (mix of male and female) on valentines. Insinuating we would pull or pull each other sort of thing.

Show quote history

Ditch the one who doesn't want you to do Galentines!

WhatNext2026 · 10/02/2026 17:47

Have the conversation with both - tell them just you've said in your second paragraph. Be clear that you want to date both people and see what they say.

naemates · 10/02/2026 17:47

RE the galentines thing, one of them said words to the effect of not loving the idea of me going out with my single friends (mix of male and female) on valentines. Insinuating we would pull or pull each other sort of thing.

Typical A comment, B would never