To want both people?

[Wishthingswerenouting]

Sticky situation. I’ve been dating a number of people recently. Suddenly found myself inundated with offers (I know!) and I don’t know what to do.

I’ve basically narrowed it down to 2 people I’m interested in. But the problem is neither know about each other and I’m finding it difficult to “choose”. We’ve not had conversations about being “exclusive” but I can tell the assumption is there to be exclusive soon if not now. Neither have asked if I’m seeing anybody else and I’ve not volunteered the information. Both know I’ve been dating various people over the last few months. The thing is I’ve spent my life in relationships and have very much been enjoying the freedom of dating around. I’m just feeling a bit guilty right now (not sure why as I’m single) and also a little pressured to cut someone off - but I don’t want to.

person A - lives far from me (approx 3 hours), great job that can be done from anywhere, very attractive, seems to tick all boxes, funny but not AS funny as person B. Prioritises me “being happy” and is clear on what they want from life. Adventurous but tied down to where they currently live for the time being due to caring for elderly family. Has discussed moving when the time comes.

person b - lives 5 minutes away, decent enough job with set shifts, very attractive but not my usual type, ticks plenty of boxes, very funny, also prioritises my happiness but we’ve not yet had deep life discussions, very caring, very adventurous loves to travel. No ties but a few mutual ties in our pasts which make me feel a little awkward.

WWYD? I’ve been on 2 dates with each. Person B has spent more “none date” time with me purely due to distance. I don’t actually want to choose at this point. But the net is closing in as both are raising an eyebrow when I’m not as active in replying when I’m with the other.

yabu - make a choice and settle down
yanbu - stick to dating both and wait to see how it plays out

I missed this! After 2 dates you really don’t know them at all. However, if they know you’ve been dating others then yes I agree this can make some people possessive but do you really want that so soon? And are they just being this way because they want to win the game of dating you?

Why would you need to be exclusive after 2 dates?

4 dates minimum before even thinking about that. And a conversation. None of the 'implied' bs. To be honest I'd date them both for at least 6 dates in your situation.

If I could be arsed with the long distance.

At 2 dates in you barely know them at all.
And cool down the between date chats. It rushes this false sense of intimacy.

Yes! A has got to go.

Edit: just saw the update. Now I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

You've only had two dates with each, and seem to be enjoying them being weirdly obsessed with you after such a short period of time. Can't you see the red flags there?

In a more general sense, I'd say pick neither. If you don't like one obviously enough to pick him over the other, then you don't like either enough to be exclusive.

Ugh, neither then! Those kind of comments would be an immediate red flag for me.

Pro tip: don't date guys with the same name simultaneously unless they spell it different. ;)

Dating for a while was a prelude to a relationship when and where I grew up. It's like a test drive. Like, why get in a relationship with someone you find out you're not very compatible with or they're just a shit date?

Two dates is too early to decide on exclusivity.

They're both exhibiting jealousy red flags and if I'm honest I think you're revelling in the attention and potential for drama so you're a bit if a red flag too.

If you're going to continue seeing them you need to tell them the truth and they can decide if they are happy with not being exclusive. At the moment you seem to think you have the right to withhold information, which might be important to them, until you have decided what you want.

You don’t actually want to be exclusive with either. You want to be single and enjoy dating, not being exclusive. You’ve said as much in your updates.

You said A seemed to tick all the boxes but B ticked most of the boxes. It felt like you were wanting to pick A because he was more attractive, better on paper and the problem was the distance. It felt like B was fine, he’s funnier and closer. But both has sent weird messages about not wanting to share you, which I think I would dump both of them for. Neither is standing out as an obvious one to go all in for.

Keep dating them because you’re enjoying dating. Shut down the comments about not wanting to share you, even if you were exclusive you would still have friends and have many other people in your life. They will share you. If one doesn’t respond well to that, stop dating them. Not because of the other man but because you don’t let a man tell you how you’ll share your time with your people. Be honest with them and say you’re not ready to be exclusive yet. If they are more invested than you are (which it seems like they are), they have the right to call it a day if they aren’t getting back what they need. Maybe over time an obvious choice will become clear. Maybe you’ll realise both are OK but not who you want to tie yourself to long term. Which I think is actually the case.

A wouldn't even factor in - 3hrs is such a distance and ultimately one of you will need to move.
What happens if you fall head over heels then realise neither of you can move? You're in love and then broken hearted.

What would you do if B said he was going to take someone else out tomorrow night? Would you be ok with that?

After two dates?!?!

When I read the op I was going to say B is the better fit but the more I read makes me change my mind. I would go with A as the distance seems to be the only issue. You will get bored of B!

It’s time to be honest with them - tgen they can make an informed decision on their own.

If you can’t choose then you don’t like either enough to be exclusive.

Just tell them that you are not ready to be exclusive with anyone and you’d like to continue seeing them on a casual basis. You don’t have to tell them specifically about the other person.

Honestly they both sound a bit much and you sound weirdly passive. YOU get to choose how often you see someone, what’s all this “he’ll expect to see me several times a week”?

And both wanting to be exclusive and sending memes about it (classy) after two dates?! Do you have a history of liking a slightly controlling man?

IMO Funny > looks.

Re. the valentines date, flip a coin. If your initial reaction is dissapoitment, you know to pick the other 😁

But both are sort of angling about exclusivity.

I’m sorry but this would put me right off after two dates, bin both of them.

RE the galentines thing, one of them said words to the effect of not loving the idea of me going out with my single friends (mix of male and female) on valentines.

Right well presumably whichever controlling prick said this, you’re even going to consider? Making comments like that after two dates…Hell no.

If they are both on board with the exclusive/non-exclusive then it is up to that.
Pick which one you like and if it works then great, if it doesn't then don't complain.

At 2 dates in youve time to weigh your options

I don’t like these jokes, they both sound a bit controlling to me. Have a week off from them both and see how you feel then. But maybe pull right back from them both if you aren’t ready to choose just one person (and liking the LDR for the space it would give you suggests that maybe that’s something to pay attention to).

Just because they're angling for exclusivity doesnt mean you have to give it to them.

Tell them you are enjoying being single and not having a serious boyfriend right now. You'd like to continue having fun with them but you neither want nor expect exclusivity. You're practicing ethical non monogamy or whatever it's called. Then let them make their own choices about how to proceed based on that.

Dont behave like a fuckboy, we're better than that. Be a fuckwoman.

Oooo exciting ! I would say A - as a better long term bet. Adventous and v keen on you. I rate being doted on so that would sway me….

if you are not thinking long term then person b

but sounds like you could try person A first, as they are long distance, then if it doesn’t work out person b is local and you could ‘bump’ in to them again / keep them on the back burner.

Two dates is a bit soon for either to be pushing you for exclusivity imo but i appreciate thats v subjective.

if both of them were discussing a similar dilemma with dadsnet, is there one of the two that you instinctively feel you’d be more upset by, imagining that they’ve chosen to break it off with you in favour of someone else?

It sounds kind of lame like youre amazon shopping and trying to decide between 2 hair curlers or something.
Personally if I was having to "decide" between 2 guys I would just conclude neither are for me really as I would be chasing that "OMG this is the man for me no question" feeling

Me too. Bit of a red flag that.

They both sound controlling to me.