Struggling with Boundaries and Space in My Home with My Partner’s Ex and Daughter Involved

[Curlywurly92]

Hi all,
I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now, and I could use some advice. I’m in a relationship, but I’m facing some real challenges when it comes to boundaries and my space at home.
I bought my house before I got together with my partner, and I pay the mortgage myself. Since I moved in, my partner wasn’t really in the picture at the time, but now that we’ve been together for a while, things have shifted, especially with his daughter and the ongoing drama with his ex.
Here’s where things get tricky: I’m happy for my partner’s daughter to have her own space when she’s here, so I said she can use the guest bedroom, change the duvet whatever, However, I feel like everything is being shaped around her needs now, even though she’s due to be there every other wknd pending a court applciation. The bigger issue is this extra bedroom, which I had used for my things—wardrobes, personal items, you name it. My partner when he first moved in started using it for his daughter’s stuff, and I feel like my space is just being taken over, and told her it was her bedroom. I never decorated it because I let him decide how it should be arranged for her, and now I’m left feeling like I don’t have any room for myself.
When my partner’s daughter first started staying with us, it was forced by her mum. We live far away, and when she was about 3, she was forced into a car for a 40-minute drive around 7 pm. It just doesn’t feel like a good situation all around.She hated coming.
On top of that, my partner doesn’t have his own place. So, now it feels like all the pressure is on me to make the living situation work, including the constant worry about the court order related to his ex and his daughter. I feel like I’m the one making all the sacrifices, and my home has become a battleground when I just wanted it to be a place for me to feel comfortable.
Has anyone else dealt with a situation where your space has been completely shaped by your partner’s kids or ex? How did you set boundaries? How do you handle it when your partner doesn’t have their own home, and you’re the one paying the mortgage but feeling like it’s not really YOUR space anymore?

Ah op you don't want 'the kid's around full stop do you ?
End it ,it's never going to work and a bad situation all round for everyone .
The will end in resentment

I think she wants some1 to make up her mind ,for her? Even tho she’s not prepared to properly read, the replies she’s been given.
It’s like a riddle, but any answer is correct & bad!
I have to stop reading otherwise my eyeballs will fall out. 🫤

So there are 3 bedrooms

why can’t she have the spare one as mum isn’t going to stay while she is

get something like this for her toys /stuff so all nice an neat /tidy and then you still have your room /office for stuff

He needs to move out and rent a 2 bed for himself and his daughter when she stays. You can see him the other weekend and a night per week see how things go. From my opinion of life though he’s working for a family member he’s living in your house so he’s landed on his feet so don’t be surprised when he moves on once you have boundaries in place. Also your opinion of his ex is probably caused by stuff he has told you, one of my exs did that about me poisoned peoples opinions of me telling them all sorts of lies.

Leave him then. I honestly don’t understand why childless people get into relationships with people who have young children if they can’t really be arsed with the child being around. You don’t want her taking space up in your house, her mum creates drama or whatever, you’re trying to justify it by saying she doesn’t like travelling to yours- eventually you’ll try to say she shouldn’t come at all.

Let him be a good dad and leave him.

And in the meantime there’s a sad little six year old that knows she’s resented. Dreadful.

This isn’t about the 6 year old girl, it’s really about your frustration that your partner has brought nothing to this relationship other than drama and stress and work for you, whilst you have brought to the table accommodation, a new career, and a huge source of support in his court battle - which is all impacting you more than him despite it being his problem. It seems that he has delegated all of his problems to you and that you have sleepwalked into a situation which you have just woken up to.

So you have boundaries and feel like your spece is violated by other guests or just his daughter ?
Its really clear you do not want the little girl around and that's fine and a perfectly reasonable choice what's not is you wanting to shut the girl off to continue the relationship!
End it and find a partner who has no baggage that you sent want .

I just think why are you with him ? What do you expect when he has a small child ? I’m sure it’s not nice for her either coming over and feeling like she is taking over someone else’s space and not having a bedroom . I agree you are under no obligation to accommodate this but I don’t think you should be in this relationship at all if this is how you feel

As your DPs daughter gets older, she may want to stay with your DP more frequently or she may want/need to live with him full time and that's something you should be prepared for. If you can't imagine that situation, it's probably best that your DP finds his own place.

I guess you. You need to decide, do you want a relationship with him, or not. His daughter is part of his life. If you decide you want a relationship with him then I think you have to embrace the daughter, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to pay for her stays or live in your house, But at the moment you sound a bit half in half out. Decide what you want and see if you match

If it were me I would finish this relationship before it’s too late. I can see what he gets out of it, but I’m baffled about what you are getting out of it. You could have a loving relationship without all this baggage.

This is where you’ve lost me. YABVU. You have chosen to enter a relationship with a father, to the point of him moving in with you. He and his daughter come as a package: you can’t invite him to live in your house then begrudge his child sometimes joining him. You absolutely shouldn’t have let him move in, now you are obligated to also welcome his child.

You say you want the relationship to continue, which would ultimately end up with you as a step mother, but you clearly don’t want this. You should never have entered a serious relationship with a father unless you were willing to accept a big role in his child’s life.

@Curlywurly92 YANBU but you were unreasonable in the first place for letting your partner behave as though your house was his.
The narrative is that you've smoothed his path in every aspect of his life. Yes, his daughter is part of the package but not to the extent that you have to dedicate your space entirely to her.
As long as she has suitable space and things when she's with you, it's your house and your decision to use that space when she isn't.
A very clear and reasonable boundary to put to your partner and if he doesn’t like it he's free to make other arrangements.
Have you considered the possibility that the daughter may end up with her father though, given the situation you describe? That's a whole different ball game.

Ok I haven't read the entire thread, only OP's posts, but I'm confused as to whether the child has or hasn't yet stayed over.

'We dated for about 3-4 months before I met her then she started staying over'

'I have accommodated her needs for many years, even for six months after I bought the house, before I had even met my partner'

'She has never had to stay over before'

@Curlywurly92 can you clarify please as I don't understand whether you're talking about the situation as it actually is or how it will potentially be. I'm especially confused by you having accommodated the child's needs before even meeting her father!

Either way you're clearly not happy for the child to be sharing your space (which is a given when you allow a partner with children to move in with you) so you should ask DP to find alternative accommodation where he can have his DD.

Her father has to give her a room that is hers, not filled with her dad's new partner's stuff, ideally apporpriately decorated for a little girl that she can feel safe and secure in. Either you give her that in your house or he has to have his own place where he gives her that. If you're not willing to give her a room and he's not willing to get another place, you need to break up.

If her mum is such a disaster, the DD may end up living with you full time

My no 1 rule only date men who have their own home. It saves a lot of hassle op. I voted yabu as only you have allowed this to happen. It’s your home.

You have a choice

A) Continue living with this man and provide a bedroom for his daughter, because him and his daughter come as a package
B) Tell him he needs to move out and provide a bedroom for his daughter himself

That's it. Those are the choices. B could involve staying in a relationship with him, though I predict he will suddenly be much less in love with you once the house isn't part of the package.

If I were you I would pick B, complete with break up, all the live long day. Not only for yourself but for his poor DD.

The boyfriend sounds like a bit of a loser, crap job and no home before you took him on.

You obviously don't want his child in your house and resent that her time there may increase. Send him back to his parents.

So in short, your partner wants your two spare rooms to be his DD's , one for storage all her stuff and the other to be her permanent , not pop up once a fortnight, bedroom ? You OTOH are perfectly happy to give her one of the spare rooms and one only ? Have l got that right ? If so I'm gonna go against the grain here and say I'm with you OP.

I'll be honest @Curlywurly92 , I'm getting a bit confused at this point.

You say you pay the mortgage and he pays the bills - I thought you said originally that what he pays covers around half of the costs, so is that half of the bills excluding the mortgage? Or he covers half of all of the expenses and you just happen to be the one that makes the physical payment for the mortgage?

You're very clear that it is YOUR house both in terms of financial concept and space. If that's the case, why would you want him to contribute to renovations? I go back to my previous point and I'll phrase it as a question:

Do you live together or do you allow him to live with you?

If you live together, then he should be contributing to all costs (including mortgage and maintenance) with you looking to build a life together (and a home) going forward that you're both equally financially invested in and responsible for (whilst protecting your initial financial contribution) If this is the case, he also gets equal say in use of the space.

If you allow him to live with you then it's your house, your rules and your responsibilities. If he's effectively a lodger, then he's not really a partner. It also means he gets no say in how the space is used but has no responsibility for the renovation costs either.

You obviously don't want this young child in YOUR space. You're not embracing being in a relationship with a man with a child. You need to be done with all of it.

And DP means Dear Partner, common mumsnet shorthand

OP - 3-4 months dating before he moved in and you had to take on a step parenting role is too soon.

There’s a phrase that’s been said on here already that no one falls in love so fast as a man who needs somewhere to live. Now, that may well not be happening here, but it’s all happened very fast and you’ve not had chance really to stop and think if you want to be a step mother.

So stop, do you want to be a step mum? If so, it’ll stop being your home and start being your joint home and dsd’s home, Same as her mums house is her home. It will stop being your space. If you are going to be a step mother to this girl, then it is unreasonable and unrealistic to have boundaries about your space as it’s not your space anymore, even if you own it.

Make a choice. If this isn’t what you want, then your DP needs to move back out. He gets his access and home sorted. You may want to share your home with him in the future, but only do so if you are happy to do properly and make it a family home for his child. If that’s not something you can do, then you need to only be in a relationship with a man who doesn’t have children.

It seems that this particularly difficult time is temporary. Could you cope for now and when the custody arrangements are sorted you and your DP could have a conversation about what happens next? I would want to organise storage in the bedroom so she had some space and I had some too. I certainly wouldn't be wanting to move all my stuff out every other weekend. That would be insane.

Long term though, to have her living in your house in this same situation sounds like it would not be the best thing for anyone. You would become resentful and it would cause problems with your DP too.

Talk to him and let him know how you are feeling. He should be taking more responsibility really and not leaving it up to you to re-organise your home for his child.

Step mums on here generally get a hard time.

I think your partner is taking the piss. I think it's perfectly fine for her to use the guest room if you are doing as you say and putting her things in it each time she comes (or even leaving them there and having storage so you can swap them out them any time you have guests).

What your partner did was decide that his daughter should have the room that you use for your own things without discussing it with you, the actual owner of the home.

Nothing about your posts suggest you don't want her there or that you are making her feel unwelcome. The issue is that your partner is taking liberties with your space rather than asking you if there's a different way you could accommodate his daughter.