Struggling with Boundaries and Space in My Home with My Partner’s Ex and Daughter Involved

[Curlywurly92]

Hi all,
I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now, and I could use some advice. I’m in a relationship, but I’m facing some real challenges when it comes to boundaries and my space at home.
I bought my house before I got together with my partner, and I pay the mortgage myself. Since I moved in, my partner wasn’t really in the picture at the time, but now that we’ve been together for a while, things have shifted, especially with his daughter and the ongoing drama with his ex.
Here’s where things get tricky: I’m happy for my partner’s daughter to have her own space when she’s here, so I said she can use the guest bedroom, change the duvet whatever, However, I feel like everything is being shaped around her needs now, even though she’s due to be there every other wknd pending a court applciation. The bigger issue is this extra bedroom, which I had used for my things—wardrobes, personal items, you name it. My partner when he first moved in started using it for his daughter’s stuff, and I feel like my space is just being taken over, and told her it was her bedroom. I never decorated it because I let him decide how it should be arranged for her, and now I’m left feeling like I don’t have any room for myself.
When my partner’s daughter first started staying with us, it was forced by her mum. We live far away, and when she was about 3, she was forced into a car for a 40-minute drive around 7 pm. It just doesn’t feel like a good situation all around.She hated coming.
On top of that, my partner doesn’t have his own place. So, now it feels like all the pressure is on me to make the living situation work, including the constant worry about the court order related to his ex and his daughter. I feel like I’m the one making all the sacrifices, and my home has become a battleground when I just wanted it to be a place for me to feel comfortable.
Has anyone else dealt with a situation where your space has been completely shaped by your partner’s kids or ex? How did you set boundaries? How do you handle it when your partner doesn’t have their own home, and you’re the one paying the mortgage but feeling like it’s not really YOUR space anymore?

No one falls in love as someone needing somewhere to live.

Regardless of who is 'at fault' here, and what the best option for everyone is, I'm wondering if you actually realize how inflexible you are being? There are so many ways you could arrange things to accommodate your partner's child and your stuff if you were willing to.

You might not be cut out for cohabitation - and that's fine, but not if a child is being made to feel unwelcome because of your living habits.

It’s really not clear what you want here? Do you want him to pay more? Have less stuff for his dd? To see her more? Less?

There will be a way to approach getting what you want if you could be clear on what that is.

From my perspective you said you have 2 spare rooms. I think your dp should pay to kit one out so it can house her stuff permanently(toy box, wardrobe, some shelves). Then use your other room as an office/guest room.
If the odd guest needs to use her bed when she’s not there I think that’s fine.
He should also be paying some form of rent.

The other option, as others have said, is that you take a step back, he moves out to somewhere for him and his DD, you see him sometimes but you get your house back.

He needs to move out. I would struggle to cope with that situation too.

I said YANBU but now I’ve read more of your updates I think YABU.

He needs to prioritise his child and his child should have a space to call her own when she is staying at her dad’s. If you’re sharing a life/home with him his child comes as part of that package.

I think you’d be better off finding someone with no kids rather than setting “boundaries”.

What a cocklodger. Tell him to piss off. Living virtually rent free and has a cushy job off one of your family members. He’s fell well and truly on his feet. How dare he dictate what you do with YOUR spare room.

Do you want kids of your own OP? What would happen then? Would he still expect you to fork out on the mortgage.

He needs to move out and fine adequate housing to suit the needs of his daughter and himself.

It always fails to amaze me why childfree woman go for single dads. They wouldn’t have got a look in with me before I became a single parent. I don’t feel bad saying that either because most men feel the same about single mothers. I dated one single father once and honestly would rather stay single now than add extra stress in my life.

Yes OP, YABVU!

It may be your house but by having a partner who has children live with you it becomes a family home. Either you’re a team and you take everything that comes with it or your DP is simply a lodger - don’t blur the lines.

I say this as someone who had my DP move into my house. My once classy lounge now has a Lego car and Xbox on display, my uncluttered hallway, a pair of work boots and rucksack abandoned each night, and yes.. I gave up wardrobe space, because whilst it might be MY house, it’s more importantly OUR home

I do think some posters are being a little unreasonable about the space requirements. It's not uncommon (esp in new builds) for bedrooms to not accommodate all stuff for two adults. A home office is not a luxury for everyone (we have 2 and believe me it wouldn't be my first choice to use so much of our space in this way).

OTOH the child needs consistency and her own belongings in a space 'like a hotel room' isn't going to feel as much like home as having her own space. That said, if space is a premium something's got to give. Right now it seems to be your comfort or that of the child: what exactly is your partner sacrificing here? He's not willing to buy a bigger place together and is quite happy to jog along in the nice little job you got him.

With that said even if that wasn't the case, things can change. You mentioned the mother had been extremely drunk and had social services involved. With a child, you have to be willing to at least consider that they will one day need to live with you full time due to illness, injury, social services involvement or whatever. You don't sound like you'd be ready to have a teenager or young adult hanging about 24/7 taking over your guest room in your current living space. That'd be fine if:

• You can honestly say that you'd be fine accommodating the girl as much as needed if you had a bigger property (I'm not feeling this from your posts & if that's not the case, you should probably call it a day) AND
• You and your DP had an agreed strategy to make this happen

Otherwise I'd be inclined to step back from the responsibility and either split or go back to dating until you can agree on a solution that works for everyone.

Wow poor child who is only 6 years of age. OP, do this man a favour and ask him to move out.

When you date/ live with a man who has a child then that responsibility also becomes yours. You are not in the head space to love that child and think of her in this messy situation.

Given the concerns about her mum, it's even a possibility that the court might award her dad full time custody. I don't think you would be a positive figure in that girls life sadly.

The poster wasn't swearing AT you: they were swearing within the context of their fucking post.

sold the bed and relcaimed the room back. So far its the same, and now the kid is back trying to reclaim the room.

News flash- when you enter a relationship with a man who has a child, the house you share is no longer your own even if you bought it and pay the mortgage.

You don't refer to your partner's DD kindly. How does a 6 year old 'reclaim the room'. You talk about her like you are peers and you sound too immature to be in the situation you have found yourself in.

I feel so sorry for his daughter. I think he should move out and find a home for him and his daughter.

Im not sure what you expected dating / lettint him move in with a man with a child- she needs her own space when she’s there, also seeing her once every 2 weeks really is not much.

you obviously didn't discuss how this situation would work prior to him moving in (and by the sounds of it didn’t address any concerns when he told her it was her room). But to be honest, im not sure why it wouldnt be her room? It was a spare room- he moved in and has a daughter, where do you think she should go? Harry potter and live under the stairs? As thats the vibe your giving….

honestly at the start i thought you were in the right but the more ive read of your replies i just feel so so so sorry for that little girl- you obviously have no interest in her, yet your with a parent (even if he is only seeing her every 2 weeks)

I haven't read the full thread but you have 2 choices. Either give the poor child a bedroom for when she stays at the house her dad lives in... and by extension she lives in so many days per month. Or you tell him to move out. It is really that simple. Poor kids, always stuck in the middle of dysfunctional, immature families.

I've been in a similar situation with a 'partner' and his two children. I ditched the lot of them.

At 15:43 you said:

"I have accommodated her needs for many years, even for six months after I bought the house, before I had even met my partner."

That's a real headscratcher. You accommodated her needs before you met your partner? How did you meet 'the kid' if not through your partner?

Obviously he doesnt pay my mortgage

Why is this obvious? I don't see why he can't pay you rent to contribute to the cost of the mortgage.

He lives with you and pays half of all the household bills inc half your mortgage amount as 'rent' Then he's allowed a bedroom for his daughter. You have 2 extra ffs.

If you don't want his child then you need to split up

He didn't have a place to live. An ongoing toxic relationship with his ex. A custody battle. A small child stuck in the middle of this maelstrom. And for some reason you became embroiled in all this drama after 3/4 months of dating. Why? I'd have sent him packing until he got his life together.

What are you getting out of this relationship? His life is a mess. But it's his mess.

It seems you feel imposed upon but you have agency in this situation, inform your partner of how you feel and either reach a compromise/solution or agree this relationship does not work for you both. Ultimately he has a child who has shared care of, he lives with you, I would say she needs her own room in order to feel part of the family and not just a guest.

Also, just because he is not on the mortgage / deeds, if he has contributed to the household financially, you may find he can demonstrate a beneficial interest, which may give him certain rights/protections, unless you have a clear cohabitation agreement.

What on earth is wrong with you. You sold your partners daughters bed!!! Now your blaming a child for 'stealing it'!!!

Yet in another post you said 'we've' put in a custody claim!!!

You invited your boyfriend to live in the house - he pay then his diameter gets a room. Ridiculous talk of boundaries.

Again you don't want his daughter then ask him to move out as you will be a horrible step mum

Having read more of OP’s posts, I think this sums it up nicely.

But what I find awful is the ‘blames’ tone with respect to the little girl, who is caught up in this. Not nice at all.

To put it politely, whether or not he buys a house is not your problem.

She needs her own room with a stable parent. He needs to either buy or rent a home for him and his daughter. You don't need to split up with him, he can stay at yours a lot still if you'd like it, but his daughter needs a room to call her own at her father's place. Your place is not her father's place.

Why the fuck are you putting up with this??

We dated for about 3 to 4 months before I met her, and then she started staying over
So really bloody quick then

Maybe I'm misunderstanding but I've read it that the OP is willing to give her ONE bedroom but her dad wants her to have both spare rooms effectively ,one with her stuff stored in it and the other as her bedroom.....if so l can see OP''s pov ...... or maybe as l say l am misunderstanding.