Is DH being mean or am I being precious?

[TumbleLeaf10]

DH works at a school, he has had 2 periods of absence since September, one for illness and another for a workplace injury.

DS5 had a sick bug tail end of last week. I now have this sick bug. Have been chucking up every 15 mins since 4am. I’m beyond exhausted already and feel absolutely terrible.

I’ve asked DH to take the day off to look after baby DS1, do the school runs. He said no, he can’t because of this other absences.

There is no one who can help. Wtf am I meant to do?! 😢 How can I do the school run without being sick and what do I with the baby all day. I guess I know where he’s coming from but I just don’t know what the days going up look like for me!

It is awful but equally he’s right it’s difficult to take time off especially in a school at short notice. Is there literally no one? No friends other school parents? A breakfast club he could drop off to? If no I’d ring school and explain they may offer to collect otherwise your kids will have to stay home. I would get a bucket and camp out on settee all day put kids tv on and try to rest as much as possible.

i was in a similar position to you, if dh was ill he rested and I managed house/ds but if I was ill I had to get on with it. Once I had a horrific migraine and couldn’t even lift my head off pillow, DS was 2 and I insisted dh drove an hour out of his way and dropped ds at grandparents. He was annoyed but did it. But in those early days I did resent dh a lot, he’s never had to care for ds and be ill at same time. Now ds is ten it’s so much easier as he can entertain himself if I’m too ill.

Sorry you feel terrible, but he is right. My workplace has a very harsh absence policy, this would be my 3rd episode and I'd get a stage 1 warning.

DH should call work and say he's going to be late in, following the drop off of your DC at school. I have teacher friends and it happens - life happens.

Edited to add - try and book kids into after school club.

Please don't do the school run if you're vomiting contagious infection.

If DH won't take time off and you can't bring your children in the school may offer to come and get them. But imo your husband's employer should allow him to do the school run if his wife is really ill.

Can’t DS be dropped at a friends house by DH on his way to work and brought home by the friend?

He shouldn’t take the day off but he should at least arrange to go in late and do the school runs.

I don’t think either of you are wrong to be honest, its just a rubbish situation.

He probably can’t take the day off last minute without triggering an absence warning. Agree with others though could the compromise be dropping DC off and then heading into work?

My school has a horrible sickness policy. After EVERY absence (even if you’ve gone home sick at the end of the day, as I did once with a migraine at 2:45pm and was back in the following day!) we have to have a ‘back to work meeting’. After 3 days sickness in any one x 12 month period, something is ‘triggered’ and we have a Very Serious Letter of Warning (it’s called something else but I can’t think what just now!) This is followed up by a long meeting, with many forms to be filled out and ‘policies’ put in place, to manage any further absence. It’s truly awful…considering we are enclosed in poorly ventilated classrooms for over 6 hours a day with 30+ children sharing ALL their germs with us.

It sucks that you’re unwell OP, but your DH can’t be expected to be off for this reason. So yes, you are being unreasonable here.

He should at least be able to do the school run to breakfast club or something. What would he do of the baby was in childcare and sick? Surely he wouldn't expect you to cover every illness if you were working.

If you are desperate keep your child off school? I know schools are very strict on this but what else can you do if you've no options? Puke up in the playground?

It's crap but unfortunately teaching is not a family friendly job and he can't just take a day off. If there is wrap around provision then can he drop DS into breakfast club and collect from after-school club? If not then I would be messaging the parents in the class to ask for a favour. As for the baby you just muddle through unfortunately in the same way you would if you were both unwell. It won't be a good day but it is doable.

I would just keep your child home. Do what’s easiest for you.

Unfortunately, most schools are incredibly inflexible and can actually be very hostile places to work in. It's one of the reasons for the retention crisis in teaching.

I can well understand the feeling that he can't take the day off. Those suggesting that he goes in late - the school are likely to refuse.

I think id just keep the child home too, it's awful but it doesn't sound like he can get the day off unfortunately.

@TumbleLeaf10 keep DS at home and have a duvet day.

It doesn’t have to be that he’s being mean, I would imagine he’s worried he’s going to trigger absence protocols which can mean a disciplinary/capability. If he’s UPS, many heads would love any reason to try to get rid of you!

I’d ring the school and ask if the child can go to breakfast club. If not, say you’re ill and you can’t get them in today.

It wouldn’t add to his sickness record as he isn’t ill, it would be parental leave which you have a certain number of days entitled to (sometimes unpaid)

You have to give several weeks notice for parental leave and it has to be taken in blocks. It can't just be used for ad-hoc days off at the last minute.

I just don’t know what the days going up look like for me!

I would imagine it’ll be pretty rubbish-we have all been there, ill and trying to look after a baby-keep your expectations very low and try to doze when the baby does. Good luck

Parental leave has to be booked in advance and taken in blocks of a week or more.

It would be unpaid leave as he’d be taking time off to care for his child.

It’s called time off for dependents and it’s for short term emergencies, no notice needed, your employer just doesn’t have to pay you for the time and you can’t have known about it in advance

That's unpaid leave not parental leave and whilst entitled to it, the expectation is you use it to arrange alternative care... Parental leave is as I described.

He’s right, he should go to work, but he should drop your DS at school first then go into work. Then during the day you manage as best you can with tv, sofa and set up a safe space for baby so you can leave him for a couple of minutes if needed. Hopefully you’ll be a bit better by afternoon pick up.

He can’t just take a day off as a teacher but I find it very strange that dc goes to school and there isn’t a single person you can ask to come and collect and take and pick up from school

does he has no friends or you have none to ask ?

uou can’t do school run so either a friend grabs dc or you tell school he won’t be in due to you not being able to leave house

Wtf with all the replies saying your husband is in the right. He can take a day as unpaid parental leave and it won’t impact his sick record.

Do you have a class wats app? Can you put on there could anyone please pick up to help you ?

A mum did that last year when her toddler had sick bug and I went to get her child and took to school

people are usually happy to help - just have to ask