Is DH being mean or am I being precious?

[TumbleLeaf10]

DH works at a school, he has had 2 periods of absence since September, one for illness and another for a workplace injury.

DS5 had a sick bug tail end of last week. I now have this sick bug. Have been chucking up every 15 mins since 4am. I’m beyond exhausted already and feel absolutely terrible.

I’ve asked DH to take the day off to look after baby DS1, do the school runs. He said no, he can’t because of this other absences.

There is no one who can help. Wtf am I meant to do?! 😢 How can I do the school run without being sick and what do I with the baby all day. I guess I know where he’s coming from but I just don’t know what the days going up look like for me!

He can’t take a day off for this. It’s hard for you but unfortunately you’ll have to do best you can. I feel your pain as a single parent with a serious health issue I spent many school runs vomiting in a bag (ex had helpfully moved overseas). If you were admitted to hospital or something he would have to stay off but agree with him on this. Hopefully vomiting will ease.

No guns but I’m sure op would press on if she could but it might be unsafe if she can’t look after a one year old properly.

I’ve had stomach bugs before when I have felt very faint and once actually did faint.

Op I hope you are feeling a bit better now but in these circumstances when my dh was travelling, I had to keep the kids off school and we all sat in one room together, baby in play pen if you have one. Bucket with an inch or two of water and Dettol in for you. Put kids tv on. Order some groceries in snack form to give them; pouches or something easy. And ride it out.

It’s hideous, I’m so sorry,

Make sure this is your catalyst to meet some some mum friends or organise emergency cover as it will happen again. You only need two friends with dc of similar age, who are reliable and will reciprocate in an emergency and not take advantage. Or get to know a young active grandmother type on your street who is up for earning extra cash.

It is better that your child misses a day's school rather than your husband endangers his job. Yes, I know it is grim. But he obviously doesn't feel safe to either be late or take the day off and I suspect he knows the school climate better than you do.

Neither of you are BU, the attitude to sickness and absence in the UK is absolutely insane. What would they say if it was him vomiting? Totally nuts that people aren't allowed to be ill or support ill children without getting a warning. And it penalises parents, because we're the ones who catch everything our kids get.

I'm in Germany and if I'm sick I don't think twice about telling my work I can't come in. My team wish me well and tell me to take all the time I need to get better. If my child is sick the attitude is the same. It doesn't harm productivity and allows people to fully recover without infecting everyone else.
The UK urgently needs reform when it comes to workplace sickness policies.

This would fall under time off for care of dependents. YOU and his baby/child are legitimately dependents that he would reasonably be expected to provide care for. Its usually limited to a day or 2 to cover emergencies/arrange alternatives, after which it would need to be annual leave/parental leave/compassionate leave etc depending on the exact details.

He 100% is legally allowed to take the time off, however it does not have to be paid. This is NOT the same as sickness absence and should NOT be counted as such.

I really do wish more people were aware of their employment rights! Especially men, they often seem to believe this nonsense they can't possibly take time off to care for their children and that they'll be penalised.

It's literally illegal for them to do that and before everyone says that's what their company is like, and they have no choice etc. I call bull... what you allow is what will continue... more people need to stand up to bullying managers and employers who suggest anything else!

Im idealistic though I know.

I am not a UK resident either. The mania on sick people being present in the UK workplace seems mad. My employer doesn't want sick people struggling into work and infecting countless others. If somebody comes in coughing and spluttering or with lingering gastroenteritis, we don't want them in the building. Their manager - from a safe distance - is likely to tell them to work from home if they must or to take sick leave. I understand it is more difficult with some jobs where it may be hard to get in a substitute at short notice or where it is a very small staff. We don't even care that much about a child missing school because they are sick - we don't think sick children are learning and are likely to infect the rest of the class. There is no overwhelming pressure about getting a 100% attendance or whatever. Our children don't start school till they are five and the idea of four year olds in a school setting is foreign to us.

Keep your DS5 home.
Hope your baby doesn't also catch the bug.

It's a baby not a plant pot.

The baby will cry, need feeding and changing, bring held etc. It's definitely not easy with a sickness bug.

It is mad. My child missed a day off nursery and I got a letter asking me to fill out an absence form justifying it. They are linked to a school and said it was just their procedure even though attending is voluntary 😐

I regularly go in to work sick as the hassle is unbelievable if you don't. We also have back to work meetings after every absence, even for half a day off.

Personally I think you're the one who's crackers, along with the whole UK sickness system.
You're rude too.

Absence due to A workplace injury is very different from sickness absence. Your DH needs to involve his union if they are being treated the same. The school should ensure the WPI doesn’t happen again, its not the employee's responsibility.

How does it not harm productivity?

He can take the day off as parental leave emergency and he is protected by law to do so .

Doesn't he have any friends he can ask to take the kids to school? I know that if I was in that state I would call up a friend and they would (drive 30 mins each way) to come and get my kids - given how inflexible his job is, he really needs to cultivate that kind of support network!

Then you and the baby just have to lie on the sofa together watching TV all day/napping. That's what I did when I got sick when DS2 was a baby (also had the very memorable moment where he lifted his head, groaned a bit, fixed me right in the eyes and threw up right in my face. Which was lovely)

This. I think he should be able to something. If you had a car accident what would he do? Ok he has to go to work but he can do a drop off before hand. I’d see if he could drop off earlier or pick up later so it could be manageable for him to do it

Tummy bug which means she is unable to take care of their joint responsibility children together sufficiently ,his employers wouldn't give two shiny shits for her if anything happened to him tommorow .
As I said family comes first .

Because sick people forced to come into work don't work properly because they can't focus. They also infect others, and the inability to rest causes them to become sick again sooner. Psychological stress around being forced to work whilst sick causes burnout - look at how many people in the UK are signed off long-term due to depression and anxiety.

"Rising workplace sickness is costing UK businesses billions every year, according to a new report by IPPR.
New analysis from the think tank reveals the annual hidden cost of employee sickness has risen by £30 billion since 2018. Most of this increased cost (£25 billion) is from lower productivity, with only £5 billion due to a rise in sick days.
Employees now lose the equivalent of 44 days’ productivity on average due to working through sickness, up from 35 days in 2018, and lose a further 6.7 days taking sick leave, up from 3.7 days in 2018.
Workers in the UK are among the least likely to take sick days, especially compared to other OECD and European countries. However, they are more likely to persevere at work through sickness, which can have a productivity cost."
From this article:

www.ippr.org/media-office/revealed-hidden-annual-cost-of-employee-sickness-is-up-30-billion-since-2018

This stupid policy of forcing sick people to come to work has no winners, only losers.

Yes, I'd do that (and even see if they can take your oldest after school as well until DH can collect them). If you just have the baby to look after you can get away with absolute minimum feeding and cleaning and resting.

If you genuinely don't have anyone you can ring up, then once you are better, I would suggest getting to know your child's classmates parents better (and obviously offering support if they need it, too).

Of course he can't take a day off! Get a friend to pick up your older child and you'll just have to manage with the baby.

Teacher here. After 3 episodes of absence I would be hauled into a HR meeting and put on a support plan to ensure I’m not repeatedly absent from work.

These things can often be pretty arbitrary and are supposed to be ‘supportive’ or they can get into trouble as employers. One of the absences is a work place injury too. They aren’t exactly going to be able to sack him for that.

Honestly secondary schools can be brutal about staff absence, so I can see why your DH is saying no tbh.

They can if it's a case of don't be in vs show up late! The teachers I know come in late if they really have no other options.

Most teachers aren't supported by support plans. They are a device currently used to punish and manage out teachers and unions are overhelmed so are struggling to assign caseworkers and offer support.

Look up Silenced by Support. It's a huge problem in education at the moment.