AIBU to ask for advice on what to do about a lady in our community.

[Justaquestion62636]

I work with a local community organisation that works with people with learning disabilities and we do litter picking, gardening and planting up flower beds on our estate. My number has been put on a flyer for new volunteers the phone is paid for by the charity so no problem. Last week I had a message from a tearful woman and rang her back. She said she didn't have anywhere else to ring. Benefits have been stopped and she had no food. Not sure why she rang a volunteer gardening group but she said we sounded kind. She told me she'd not eaten in two days as she has no money and is physically disabled so can't collect from the food bank.
I went to our local shops, spent £15.00 of my own money and took the food to her. I didn't look in the cupboards but she didn't seem to have anything. Friday I called our local food bank and asked about a voucher explaining the situation. They said they normally need a referral but could potentially help out this week, they would need to see her to assess her. I did say that I can't bring her. I work full time and have young child. So I thanked them and said I'd look into other options although I wouldn't mind collecting a food parcel this time and taking it to her.
In the meantime I called a local food pantry arranged to collect three huge bags of food both fresh and frozen and took it to her. There was mor than enough for one week she is on her own.
She has a large dog who is lovely and today I saw a woman on our local field who looked suspiciously like her walking this big dog.
I had another phone call saying she'd been in touch with the food bank and that the food box was available for me to collect this week. I don't mind helping in crisis but I've been out twice. Once to local shops and then a 15 mile round trip to the food pantry. I did this in lieu of the food bank. I am fairly sure it was her walking this huge dog so I'm assuming she would be for enough to get to to food bank to pick it up. Its just food for three days.
I just don't know where to go from here, none of the organisations offer delivery and she doesn't know when she is beig paid next. I tried adult social care but they aren't interested. I can't be responsible for another grown adult but I don't want to leave her in a crisis (I can't be positive it was her walking the dog). I'm going on holiday next week so won't be available then.

I think she need somewhere that can give advice on benefits. Do you have a local CAB? Or similar advice centre. She would be much better off contacting them, as you say it's not your responsibility or area of expertise.

Posted too soon! The job centre might be able to offer some kind of crisis loan (I'm afraid I don't know if this is any longer the case, it's been several years since I worked in this area)

Could you contact the safeguarding team at the charity you’re working with? They will be best able to advise about who can support her and who you should refer to as this is well beyond your remit

I think you are right but until its sorted she allegedly has no money at all. We don't have a local CAB . I'm both concerned for her and frustrated that I appear to be being depended on more than I can offer.

Can you tell us roughly where you are? If you’re in Wales I can signpost you to places that can help, but the set up isn’t the same the other side of the bridge

It's a local gardening charity run by myself and another volunteer we don't have a safeguarding team. We obviously qre trained in safeguarding but we can only refer to statutory organisations such as the local authority. I they can't or won't help.

You sound very kind and compassionate. It is important to protect your own boundaries though, you have gone out of your way to provide support, the service that you offer is a gardening support group and that’s all you are able to offer. You have signposted to other agencies that may be able to offer the kind of support she needs and it’s up to her to seek help through those agencies. Her doctors surgery may also be able to assist with additional local support and referrals.

I just want to make this a short term thing without being mean or taking on any responsibility. I'm just not sure how to say it without having somewhere to pass her on to.

Our local church does debt advice and financial advice.

tell her that you can’t help and she needs to contact some official support.

I think I’d pick up the food box that’s been arranged and when you drop it off, tell her that you have travel coming up ( don’t say it’s a holiday, it could be for work and don’t give a time frame ) so she needs to contact official support going forward.

Otherwise you’re going to get sucked in and realistically, you can’t sort this out for her, she needs to contact people who can.

There are charities all over the country who help with exactly this sort of thing. What area are you OP? Job centre will have details of who can help or your local council.

You don't need a local Citizens Advice. They have a national helpline. Also one run with Trussel Trust foodbanks called Help Through Hardship if you Google you'll get the numbers.

I'd second trying a church. The Sally Army tend to be quite community-minded if they are active where you are.

What a headache this sounds for you.

Put the dog walking thing out of your head. Maybe she only has energy for those couple of thousand steps a day and she gives them all to her lovely dog. In which case she is doing her best.

Thank you helping this woman

Text her the number of the food banks and tell her you are going on vacation for two weeks

So how was she managing for money before you, I’m sorry but she sounds like she’s taking advantage and is a scammer.
have you suggested social services to her?

You’ve basically been paying her costs of owning a large animal

I think it’s safer not to give any firm timelines or she’ll be back in touch with the OP as soon as she’s home. Just say “travel” and give the impression that it’s ongoing and regular!

Her GP surgery may have a social prescriber or care co-ordinator who can assess and direct her to appropriate sources of support. Agree re protecting your own personal boundaries.

Tricky. She may be genuinely in need and unable for MH reasons to take care of herself. But that doesn't mean you can become her case worker. I would give her some numbers to ring including charities and CAB and say you can't do more than that.

Just tell her you can’t help any more and send her the phone numbers of where she can access help. It’s harsh but this will end up being your problem if you don’t nip it in the bud. She may be genuinely in need but you aren’t someone who can help this woman

She has been in hospital and they stopped her PIP. I don't know much about it.

CAB can help her over the phone, if there is not a local hub that she can go to, in person.

I would just like to say that this does happen, it doesn't mean she's a scammer making things up. PIP is stopped after (I think) 28 days. Which is not uncommon for an inpatient stay on a mental health ward.

OP, you sound lovely but remember the saying "Put your own seat belt on before helping your fellow traveller".

Don't tell her you're away on holiday. Just be vague about your time out.

You owe it to yourself to take the best care of your own health.

You have been very kind and trusting, but be a little skeptical. Some people are very good with the sob story and drawing people in. You’re already putting yourself out for her, and you don’t really know her. I don’t necessarily think she’s a scammer, but someone who relies on the good nature of others.

Are you on Facebook or NextDoor? Can you put up a post for details of local support groups and organisations for people in her situation.

I agree with others, she’s not your responsibility. Give her the numbers of support groups that can help her.