AIBU to ask for advice on what to do about a lady in our community.

[Justaquestion62636]

I work with a local community organisation that works with people with learning disabilities and we do litter picking, gardening and planting up flower beds on our estate. My number has been put on a flyer for new volunteers the phone is paid for by the charity so no problem. Last week I had a message from a tearful woman and rang her back. She said she didn't have anywhere else to ring. Benefits have been stopped and she had no food. Not sure why she rang a volunteer gardening group but she said we sounded kind. She told me she'd not eaten in two days as she has no money and is physically disabled so can't collect from the food bank.
I went to our local shops, spent £15.00 of my own money and took the food to her. I didn't look in the cupboards but she didn't seem to have anything. Friday I called our local food bank and asked about a voucher explaining the situation. They said they normally need a referral but could potentially help out this week, they would need to see her to assess her. I did say that I can't bring her. I work full time and have young child. So I thanked them and said I'd look into other options although I wouldn't mind collecting a food parcel this time and taking it to her.
In the meantime I called a local food pantry arranged to collect three huge bags of food both fresh and frozen and took it to her. There was mor than enough for one week she is on her own.
She has a large dog who is lovely and today I saw a woman on our local field who looked suspiciously like her walking this big dog.
I had another phone call saying she'd been in touch with the food bank and that the food box was available for me to collect this week. I don't mind helping in crisis but I've been out twice. Once to local shops and then a 15 mile round trip to the food pantry. I did this in lieu of the food bank. I am fairly sure it was her walking this huge dog so I'm assuming she would be for enough to get to to food bank to pick it up. Its just food for three days.
I just don't know where to go from here, none of the organisations offer delivery and she doesn't know when she is beig paid next. I tried adult social care but they aren't interested. I can't be responsible for another grown adult but I don't want to leave her in a crisis (I can't be positive it was her walking the dog). I'm going on holiday next week so won't be available then.

You have done way more than anyone could have expected OP. For your own peace of mind, signpost her to the services that can help her and then walk away. Make yourself unavailable if she calls again. She is not your responsibility and you have done so much for her already.
I have worked in a community hub and with volunteer groups for several years and learnt that you can’t save everybody - not heartless at all, just realistic. I was told not to get too involved as people will expect it and other volunteers will not necessarily be able to offer the same level of support like delivering food.

You're clearly a kind hearted person. You don't need to take this on for her though and can point her towards other organisations and agencies.

Being away and unavailable is one of the best ways to get out of these kinds of situations. It may sound harsh but OP is not qualified to help this lady going forward and there aee organizations who can arrange help and food deliveries. Its so easy to get sucked in out of a sense of duty.

More than likely she has contacted you is you are new and she has exhausted all the other options.

I already posted up thread, but I would also flag her name/number on your phone, so you don't accidently answer it thinking its someone else:
'ALERT- Jackie calling' or similar.

You have supplied her with some food and she is now already known to 1 food bank. I would explain you have travel commitments but give contact details for the food bank if she needs any other help. I would then reply to any messages from her with signposting - sorry to hear this, x charity/ food bank/ CAB/ salvation army/ church might be able to help you with this.

IME most food banks have someone very knowledgeable on signposting support in the local area, GPs, CAB or CAB phone line, Social services, associated support charities - (furniture, food, housing, benefits advice ect), links to churches and other support groups.

I would be very careful, some people are masters at scamming the system and contacting you as you seem "kind" could be a red flag as it could be that she is already known to other charities as a bit of a chancer or scammer. Or she has maximised the support they are able to offer, for example our food bank will take referrals and give 3 parcels in a 12 week period but then recipients are expected to engage with Social Services/ addiction support services ect that are offered to them as part of the support package.

Very tough situation, you've done all you can do; maybe the local council may be able to help as well, not sure if the lady lives in social housing, but they should have welfare advisors to signpost to appropriate services, but they're overwhelmed and overburdened!
Hopefully the doctors maybe able to refer her to other services thus alleviating the pressure from you

Yes it is social housing she did mentioned hat. I might get together a list of numbers. I had the food bank call yesterday, to ask me to collect the parcel. They've gone to the effort of bringing it to a more local building so I do feel like I should collect it for her. But make it clear that I can't do it as an ongoing responsibility. My own car has now broken down so boh myself and husband are sharing this weekboth work full time but he has said he will collect and deliver it where he can but won't go into the house. Hopefully she can carry it from the front door. She does have disabilities that bit was obvious.

I think print her a comprehensive list of charities, social assistance, mosques, local vicar etc and give it to her with her delivery.

Like i said, she has targetted your group and exploting your kindness, it happens, you just need to decide how much you want to do, it is fine to do nothing else though.

This is a good idea. Definitely don’t go into the house - just to keep a boundary. Later I would leave one text saying glad we could assist you temporarily, signed by The Local Gardening Charity. Don’t answer any more calls.

You should have a Safeguarding policy and DSO even if the organisation is small and that should give you a framework to refer such cases. She may have temporarily had Pip stopped but that is no excuse for exploiting your goodwill and you need to have firmer boundaries. Yours was not the correct route for her to access practical support, so have a list of relevant local organisations to hand for signposting in future. One of your service users may find themselves in such a situation in future. Unfortunately good intentions are not always rewarded, there is a local community fridge where a particular person seems to know when it gets stocked up and is less supervised and has been seen to clear it out on more than one occasion.

You’ve taken her food… so she’s out of the immediate crisis. She now needs to make her own enquiries.

I used to help.out at a community larder where we had a "help yourself table" and there is always one just swoping in!

If she has a (large) dog then someone would need to be walking it otherwise it would go crazy. Can you ask her who is walking the dog?

I do think she is walking the dog to be honest. The dog is fine and well so obviously we'll walked. The food parcel collection point is about a mile away so she'd have to walk down collect walk back. I don't known full affects of the disability and am trying not to judge the book by its cover but my mind keeps telling me that if the big heavy dog can be walked then a food parcel can be collected by her. Like I said earlier I think I saw her out with the dog but can't be sure. She also may only have had enough energy to go out the once.

I've no car now to collect so I'd have to walk down and drop it off on foot. Unfortunately I don't have time and she has contacted again asking very nicely where it is. I've been really kind and said I can't do it and have passed on telephone numbers. She has confessed she has had a food parcel before which I'm certainly not judging her for. She is quite upset and panicked about how she's going to get sorted. Truthfully I pick up.my car again Friday and then we are going on holiday. She's texted the phone saying she has nobody else !

I did ask at our local church, they did historically have a food pantry but now have nobody to staff it as it was run by volunteers who were robbed so no wonder they stopped.

OP I manage a service that provides support to vulnerable people and I understand your desire to help this woman. However, as with families who contact us, please remember when she says she can’t do xyz because of abc, that she was able to call you. This demonstrates that she can reach out to others if she wants/needs to. She doesn’t need you to do it for her. She may well want you to do it for her, but this is not a need. As others have said, set boundaries for yourself.

Agree. And I would gently suggest that if she went to the trouble of tracking your number down, even though it were not advertised as a relevant support group, she may have contacted other services herself and have several people doing similar or perhaps done so previously and exhausted their goodwill.

She will have other people running after her I'd be sure of it.
Just reply saying "i cant help anymore." Or stop replying and if you need to block the number
If she can track down your number and guilt trip you and manage her large dog (who was thing care of him while she was in hospital btw) she isnt helpless.

I've no car now to collect so I'd have to walk down and drop it off on foot. Unfortunately I don't have time and she has contacted again asking very nicely where it is ... She's texted the phone saying she has nobody else !

Yes, on the basis of experience I'm afraid I expected that to happen

As PPs have said approaching a gardening club seems an odd choice, and it's probably true she's doing this with others

In any case you don't tell someone who's helped out a couple of times that you have noone else, so as suggested I'd deliver the list of help sources along with the shopping, tell the truth that you'll be travelling (no need to give timescales) then back right off

“She's texted the phone saying she has nobody else !”.

I’m sorry to say that she has made her problems your responsibility, which they’re not. What was she doing before she rang your volunteer gardening charity? I guess someone else must have helped her then.

As others have suggested, write out a list if local charities, organisations and council offices that can help her and then leave the ball in her court. If she rings again, refer her to the list. Unfortunately, some people rely on others and don’t take agency for themselves.

(and definitely say you’l be unavailable, and be vague about dates).

she has contacted again asking very nicely where it is

Cheeky madam. I hope you replied that you volunteer with the garden group, not the food bank, and she needs to sort herself out.

Why doesn’t she contact the food pantry directly and ask whether someone can drop it off? She’s showing signs of CFery, time to back off, OP.