To ask if you are a mum to an only male dc… (particularly interested in when the male dc is an adult)

[Mummhere]

What is the relationship like as he gets older? Are you close?

I desperately want another dc but it looks like it won’t happen. I hate the saying a daughter is a daughter for life but a son until he has a wife etc

I know that’s not necessarily true and obviously if I had another dc they could be male too. And I adore ds, we are extremely close now. But I imagine being left out of his family life and silly things like that.

I do know im being a bit irrational. Anyone women out there with a son who is now an adult, what’s it like? Do you hear much from
him?

But there are loads of other people who are close tobtheir DS's. I am far closer to my DS's that I am to my own mum. My brother sees her every week and they live 15 minutes away. I moved away in my 20's. I stay in a hotel when I go to visit now because we will inevitably have a row. Apart from that I didnt have kids so I could have someone to go shopping with. I want them to have their own lives.

Its not about 'going shopping' really. My DS2 enjoys shopping and my DD and DS2 hate it, as do I.
However, for many people, there are activities that are mixed sex, and activities we do with our own sex. This doesn't mean we have to divide the world into pink and fluffy and blue and worthy. It simply means that some things are orientated towards women (or men) such as the examples I gave earlier about things I do with DD. As mums we are able to do these things with our DDs without our Dsil feeling excluded.
The things we do with our DSs are by nature, mixed sex things. So if he has a woman partner, his first choice for those activities will (should) be her, not mum. So if his mum is fortunate, she gets to go with them as a couple, but rarely would it be appropriate for her to do them alone with her DS while his partner stayed home.
Exceptions will always exist where mum and son share an interest his wife doesn't of course.

However, for many people, there are activities that are mixed sex, and activities we do with our own sex. This doesn't mean we have to divide the world into pink and fluffy and blue and worthy. It simply means that some things are orientated towards women (or men) such as the examples I gave earlier about things I do with DD.

But if you have same sex dc I think there is less splitting the family for different activities, also when you have more than 2 dc simply due to logistics.

You are a lovely mum and your DiL is very lucky to have you! Yes, you're right he should put his wife first....but shouldn't she also put her husband first, and agree to alternate? If this was a daughter you were talking about I'm sure there'd be a few comments about her maybe being in a controlling relationship!

The things we do with our DSs are by nature, mixed sex things

What is an activity that isn’t mixed sex?

My DH is one of 2 boys and they are both really close with their parents. They both live a distance away but call/message a lot and visit where possible.

I have a different perspective as the mother of an autistic son with significant social and emotional difficulties. I worry that he’ll struggle to live independently from us. Both of my children are closer to their father than to me. More in common, and he’s generally a bit warmer and kinder.

They actually seem really happy together. There’s never an atmosphere between them, they seem to really love each other.

This saying is BS.
My DH is one of two male siblings and they were very supportive of their DM - in fact my BIL was over-solicitous and it got on her nerves.
We went on holiday with them a couple of times when DCs were young and DH went round weekly.

I have an adult DS too, he’s away at uni atm but we are close and I expect that to last.

im sure it all depends on who the DS marries (same for a DD), distance to you/ILs, general type of relationship.

That's the main thing! Still think they are both lucky you are so understanding 😄 but it's probably why he is close to you x

I'm one of 3 children and am the only girl. I left home to go to university at 18 and only returned for very short visits once I'd graduated. Both my brothers settled close to our parents and both had families, in which my mother (as you're talking from a mum's perspective) was massively involved.

I never had children and always lived a long way away from our parents.

There is absolutely zero guarantee you'd get a girl if you had another baby and zero guarantee you'd be closer to her than to your son when they became adults.

My DH is an only child and we have a great relationship with MIL.

Personally, I think the old fashioned 'a son's only your son until he finds a wife' is very unhelpful and can become a self fulfilling prophesy. In the early years of out marriage (especially when the DC were very small) there was some tension in the relationship with MIL and it was all down to comparison between our relationship and her relationship with her own mum/perception of our relationship with my DM/perception of friends' relationships with their DDs. At those times I think she was so focussed on not losing her DS than she didn't consider our personalities/other commitments etc. The relationship she thought she was losing was not one that either of us would ever have had with anyone; it wasn't personal, we're just independent people. When she realised that she wasn't actually 'losing' him and calmed down the relationship was able to develop more naturally and is now very healthy and works for all of us. I think any 'in law' relationship can be tricky to navigate but the lesson I've learned for when it's my turn is to try to allow it to develop like any other relationship.

I dunno I mean why are you focusing on this when there are numerous comments here from people who are very close to their sons. There are also plenty of people who don’t get on with their daughters.

Very close to my 3 adult DS

I don't mean as children, I mean as adults. As two adult women, there are things DD and I enjoy that are geared towards women. I think most women would have examples of such in their lives from 'girls nights out', to being part of a women's excercise or dance classes, or a feminist book reading, things we can share with our adult DD as two women, without it being odd she is doing the thing with her mum not her spouse.
There is no equivelent with our adult sons, unless we hapoen to share an interest our DiL doesnt have, so we are less likely to do things alone with him.

We’re not close really tbh. He seems to only phone me up when he wants money and when I call
him for a chat it’s always very stilted. He never calls me just for a chat, it’s heartbreaking actually because I’ll always love him but I’m not sure he loves me.

I hope you don't keep giving money to him.

Why should you get the blame? I mean, too bad if she does blame you, but I'd hope she doesn't anyway. If he isn't close to her, he isn't. Nobody's fault, it just pans out that way sometimes.

Reading this with interest as a mom of a two year old boy and baby girl, my partner’s parents come round all morning every Sunday, sometimes it’s in the evening and I’ll make everyone a roast, it’s more than I do with my own family so I’d like to think I don’t cause any blockers. I struggle sometimes because whilst they’re lovely people, it’s very clear I’m not really part of their family, I’m not in their family WhatsApp group and they’ll rarely ask me about anything to do with me rather than the children. Which is all fine, I’m ok with it but it definitely gives me some tips on what to do with my son’s wife/girlfriend/boyfriend… whoever! When he’s older. I think I’d be a lot more conscious of trying to make them feel part of my family too and I’d hope that it would make a difference to the dynamic between me and my son

I have an only Ds. DH models a great relationship with his mum to our Ds. So much that I’d say my Ds is closer to his paternal grandmother than the children of dhs sister. Dh has always done his own side of the family gifts admin and arrangements. Hopefully as he grows up Ds (teen) will not see that as “women’s work” and will stay in touch with me and his dad through whatever future romantic relationships or partnerships he might have.

I always get the blame! It ends up coming back round to me. I think because the men are such pussies it's easier to scapegoat me.

Not quite what you're asking as I'm the son, rather than the Mum, but largely me and my Mum had a fantastic relationship, as did my brother.

Usually we'd see each other at least once a week, and be on the phone once or twice more. My brother lived further away, (3 hour drive and a ferry ride) but they'd speak probably twice a week, and there were probably an average of 6 trips to see each other per year.

It helped massively that Mum got on well with both DP and my brothers wife. It's a lot easier when your partner actively wants to spend time with your family (DP generally preferred my Mum to her own family!)

The only times me and Mum tended to argue were when she'd get over involved or forget that we were fully capable adults in our own right. A couple of examples:

Our washing machine broke. Mum popped into our house while we were at work, measured up, and promptly ordered a new washing machine, and paid for it. An absolutely lovely gesture, but it meant that we suddenly had this appliance in our house that wasn't what we'd have ordered. I thanked Mum, but asked her not to do anything like that again, and she got the hump a bit.

Another example, we all went on holiday to Disney for a fortnight. Mum had the habit of second guessing our parenting decisions. Usually a mild irritation, but two weeks of "Won't DD be warm wearing that", or "Does she need a cookie, she won't eat her lunch" properly tipped me over the edge. We had a proper blow out, but we'd made up by dinner.

Most of the time, when I see friends who don't have a close relationship with their parents, it's because the stuff like the above is constant. They seem like they don't see their kids as proper adults, or almost like they're in competition with their kids partner for attention. My Mum had her moments, but by and large knew where the boundaries were.

Bless you, that really isn't fine. That's mean and excluding. If I were your husband I'd come out of the WhatsApp group because you should be included as family too. I think I'd cut back on the roast dinners as well as if they're treating you as no more than cook and their grandchild's mother, they don't deserve it.

That's absurd. It's a good job you don't have to see a lot of her, then. To be fair to your husband, maybe they are low contact for a reason.

I do think this is where the preference comes from when it comes to pregnancy and birth. I know not all women have it, but it does feel a bit more like having a friend when you have a daughter.

My Mum and brother are a lot closer than me and my Mum. I am LC with my Mum, live a good 2 hours away, rarely visit. My brother rents a house that she owns, lives in the neighbouring town, cat sits whenever she goes away and sees her most weeks. He is just starting to realise what she is like to me, I met up with him at Christmas but refused to see her.