To ask if you are a mum to an only male dc… (particularly interested in when the male dc is an adult)

[Mummhere]

What is the relationship like as he gets older? Are you close?

I desperately want another dc but it looks like it won’t happen. I hate the saying a daughter is a daughter for life but a son until he has a wife etc

I know that’s not necessarily true and obviously if I had another dc they could be male too. And I adore ds, we are extremely close now. But I imagine being left out of his family life and silly things like that.

I do know im being a bit irrational. Anyone women out there with a son who is now an adult, what’s it like? Do you hear much from
him?

Yes I think it can be. Daddy’s girls are often seen as a spoilt princesses or at the other end of the spectrum ‘pick me’ girls.

I also think the extreme ‘boy mom’ type gets a lot of press but I find the extreme ‘girl dad’ thing equally weird! ‘My daughter can’t date until she’s 30’ ‘I loved her first’. I don’t think either are particularly positive.

But I think OTT dads get more slack as the standard for dads is lower so a super involved dad is applauded. Women are also seen as needing more protection than men so the overprotection of daughters is more accepted than with sons.

Not me but my DM is very close to my DB (closer than with me and my DSis) and my MIL is very close to DH (closer than with her DD) so I have hope for my boys. I think it's more the personality than the gender.

Agree. Also dislike "daddy's girl."

I refuse to do reminders for birthdays/cards/mothers day etc and he is useless so he's always in the doghouse. However, I have a massive family and my own people to please so I'm not taking on any wifework

It's not wifework to remind your DH to get his mum a card or even send one yourself from both of you. It's just a decent thing to do. Try it (bet you won't).

I only have sons, all adults now. We are in contact all the time. I see one of them at least once a week as they live closer to me.
One lives abroad and we video call once a week and message in-between.

The other two live further away within the UK and I see them regularly and again we are in contact via messages each week and occasional phone calls.

I have a good, close, relationship with all of them.

I have two young adult sons. One still at home after coming back from uni, and the other at uni. The one living away rarely messages first, we speak maybe once or twice once a week but always instigated by me. He’s just living his best life! The other was the same. We all get on fine.
All my friends with DD and DS of a similar age spend lots more leisure time with their DD, out for drinks, shopping, holidays etc, they don’t seem to do these things with their sons. I get it. My boys would rather go to the football and play golf with DH.

I read this kind of stuff and get sad about the thought of having boys. Nobody should be surprised over gender disappointment

My husband wasn't an only, but they were all boys, all with families. Their mother was at the heart of all of our families. I never met his father as he passed away before we met (DH is the youngest), but they were a close family. At various points she came on holiday with us, had been away with all of them, was always with someone for Christmas, was taken away for birthdays and vice versa. She was very much loved and is missed.

She was the least presumptive character, to the point she needed to be reminded sometimes that she was wanted and not endured. Not in a 'martyr' type fashion, she was just quite happy with her own company and secure in how the family felt about her. She was not a pushover however, she raised 4 brilliant boys with very definite characters!

My MIL is just as involved with our family as my mum. Logistics and relationships play a big part. My DH speaks to his mum every other day whereas I speak to my mum
about 1-2 x a week. I speak to my dad daily.

I think it also depends on what relationships you saw modelled growing up.

I read this kind of stuff and get sad about the thought of having boys. Nobody should be surprised over gender disappointment

You can’t generalise though, I have friends that prefer to spend xmas with their DHs family & friends who get annoyed that one dc always has the mum.

I have two adult DSs, 25 ( living with GF about 20 minutes drive away) and 18 (Y13).

DS1 and GF are here usually at least once a fortnight and are coming on our next holiday with us. They split Christmas Day, part with us, part with her DPs, also with us on Boxing this year. I usually see him on Mother’s Day as well. So I see him more than I did when he was at uni.

My advice is not to complain or guilt trip - just keep the invites warm and welcoming for them both. MIL doesn’t have as easy a relationship with BIL, and frequently makes comparisons about how much they’re with SIL’s parents. It does not draw them closer.

Totally agree with PP’s, far more about personalities and the relationship than being a son or daughter :) my husband is incredibly close with his lovely mum, as am I and our DC, we see his parents most weekends popping in for a coffee, we go out for lunch, celebrate all birthdays/christmas/ Easter etc together, go on holiday together. My brother lives far away from my parents but again is very close with them - talk a few times a week, visit each other often and things. My husband’s sister on the other hand lives very far away, is extremely independent and although she’s wonderful we barely ever see her and hear from her very sporadically! It’s something I think about often too as I have an only son and despite years of trying it looks like more children aren’t on the cards for us, so I try to focus on what I can control and trust in the relationship I’m building with my son and, hopefully if that’s in his future, any partner he may have!

I'd suggest that, when the time comes, you work on being the best MIL that you can be. It's a finer line to walk than being the Mum of the wife/girlfriend, but it's definitely doable

I get on so well with my sons long term partner, but I don't interfere or try to express my pov too much. My son and his partner are always popping in to see us and my relationship with him hasn't changed at all, it's still very close , as is my relationship with his partner

I find it harder work to make sure things are happy with my DIL than with ny daughter, but I think that's quite normal. And I work hard at achieving a happy relationship !

My MIL, back in the day, was an interfering, controlling woman who perceived her son (my husband) to be a Prince Amongst All Men and who made it very obvious that I was most definitely not good enough for him or for their family

I pulled back from seeing her as did my husband and she blamed me for this low contact 🙄

No but MIL firmly believes a daughter is a daughter for life. Its being a self fulfilling prophecy as she has pushed away her sons and grandsons by insisting on doing just about everything with her daughter's and granddaughters. She will say we are doing girly things. I dont think going out for lunch with her grown dc counts as a "girly" things. She constantly declined invites from dh and on the very rare occasion we asked her to ba babysit she often refused because "her girls MIGHT need her to babysit". He stopped bothering to invite her and we stopped asking her to babysit. Now her "girls kids" are older she is more keen to be "help" we dont ask and our older kids are not interested in her. She doesnt understand why.

If someone believes a daughter is a daughter for life they will ensure she is and if someone decides a son is a son until he takes a wife they definitely will be as they will be pushed out.

Ignore the old fashioned ideas. I know plenty of mums with adult sons who adore there mothers.

Im closer to my mil. Have a fantastic relationship, she is my go to with my DD. I havent seen my mam in over a year my DH has had her over to see DD when i am in work as thats easier for me. So once you try be what you future DIL needs in the relationship you may fair better

My husband wasn't an only, but they were all boys, all with families. Their mother was at the heart of all of our families.

What a lovely post. And great user name @Barrenfieldoffucks

I’m close to my son, but he lives in America now, so it’s mainly FaceTime, phone calls etc

But, he talks to me if he’s got worries, so it’s not about closeness for us - if he lived nearer, I’d see more of him.

My daughter lives 10 minutes away, so I see much more of her.

I have two adult DS. The youngest went NC with me , his brother, grandparents, cousins 6yrs ago. No explanation. My eldest is a darling but an absolute bugger to communicate with. Never reads messages or returns calls.

I am a woman and I'm just thinking that the way my Mum behaves with me and her other daughters.. if we were men she would probably get accused of overstepping and being a MIL from hell by MN. I have a son and I really hope the only difference would be not being able to do the newborn baby stuff with grandkids as much as the maternal family. That's just nature as a woman needs her Mum at that time. But I don't see how it would affect the relationship with the grandkids. My MIL lives closer than my mother and she could develop a better relationship with them if she wanted.

But I see my partner not contacting her when he should or sending pictures and it does worry me. Hopefully it's not inate.

Honestly don’t worry about a thing. My DS is 30. Lives with his GF and 3 children. Youngest is our Grandson but we treat the others the same. We holiday together. We eat out together. Have Christmas together. He always comes to me for advice. As long as you know your place then it will be fine. We give them their wings and then they learn to fly

I adore my MIL and in some ways she's easier to speak to than my DM (although we are close as well).

We do live in different countries however that was my husband's decision way before he met me. Ironically his sister lives geographically close by to them but her relationship with them has been much more up and down over the the years.

I frequently share updates on our family WhatsApp (way more than my husband does) and I look forward to having them stay. I think they'd hear a lot less if I didn't do that, not because my husband isn't close to them but he's just not great at that sort of thing. As PP have said it's much more about the relationship than gender (IMHO)

I have a 25 year old son. He lives with his DP about two hours away from me.

He calls me at least twice a week, sometimes more often. I see him about every six weeks. We message every day.

I would say we are very close. I get on very well with his DP and am supportive and positive about their relationship.

I have an adult male son. We are close in terms of the quality of our relationship and how we get on, but I don't see him lots because of his working hours and he is a bit rubbish at messaging/time passes quickly.

He is getting married and actually contact is a bit more frequent with his fiance involved as she is a bit better at organising social calendars and responding to messages! I have a close relationship with her as well, which helps

I only have dds so can’t speak from a mother’s perspective. But I can tell you about my DH and his relationship with his parents.

DH loves his mum, but has a complicated relationship with his dad, who is perfectly nice but can be difficult at times (as can my mother).

he messages them once or twice a week and if left to his own devices would maybe pop in for a coffee couple of times a year. Never speak on the phone. Luckily for them, I’m a nice daughter in law and will encourage DH to see them more often. I invite them for Sunday lunch and then always invite them for Christmas as my parents will always have some of my other siblings (large family) and if we don’t invite his parents they will be alone (despite having two older sisters who literally live in the same village as his parents).

they probably spent more time with the DC when they were small, MIL was helpful and wanted to have the kids one day a week while I was at work and my mum really didn’t want to do that at all. That said my mum had a small child still when my DC were small and so we used to do more days out and things together.

On the whole, the DC are much closer to my side of the family. They know their cousins from my side of the family that live on the other side of the world better than they know their cousins that live 10 miles away on DHs side. it was a bit awkward at dd1s 21st when the whole of my side of the family was invited and only MIL and FIL from DHs side. FIL actually asked why DHs sisters and nieces weren’t there and I had to say because they don’t know them and they have no relationship (dd1 said this when we talked about inviting them). We have tried over the years but they’re just not interested. Whilst they know my side really well. I think seeing my DDs laughing and joking with my sisters made him a bit sad about how close they were, but that’s because we have always made an effort to see each other and DH and his sisters don’t.

so basically. The wider family is very much my family for my DC. But they are quite close to their grandparents because I have made sure they are and they are always included. If it had been entirely up to DH they wouldn’t be. Not because of any bad feeling but it just doesn’t occur to him to go and see them or invite them to anything.

My partner is an only child. He is extremely close with both of his parents

I love this. MIL warm invites and welcomes are only for her daughters and granddaughters. The boys dont get that. If they did they would have the same warm relationship.