To feel really inferior?!

[Lilysmum26]

So, I met a new mum friend at playgroup a while back. We both have two dc and are on mat leave. We have been for walks, soft play, coffees etc but today was the first time I called over to her house and I just felt so inferior (and insecure I suppose).

up until now i associated those cream classy kitchens with quooker taps, gold handles etc with people on instagram…but I walked in and was blown away by her home. It was so tidy and clean.

it was so so perfect, even the bloody playroom was like something out of a magazine, everything was labelled 😭

I always knew she had nice things and was very organised. When at softplay she had a bag for everyone and inside each bag was cleverly organised pouches with everything in, it all looks so tidy and new, everything is so well kept. Turned out the baby bag was 3 years old as she used it for her eldest. It was still brand new looking!!

throughout the day I asked if she had a cleaner as her house was so clean, she said no she’s just a tidy organised person. Her mum doesn’t even live nearby so it’s not family help 😭 meanwhile here’s me drowning in a mess and everything looks like it’s been run over by a bus 10 times over! WTAF, I don’t even know where to start.

I know IABU? But has anyone else seen this in real life?

I’ve got a friend like this, no OCD, just a clean & tidy person. I love going to her house, it’s so beautiful.. plus she is a great host.
She comes over to my house, which is much more “lived in”, my friend in no way judges, and loves coming over here.
I don’t feel inferior or superior.

or maybe they just prefer to spend 2mn here and now , rather than letting things pile up and waste a lot more time about it later?

Some people go to bed in their make-up, some of us always wash our face. Does it make us having "ridiculously high level of perfection" too?

I have a friend like this

The house is always immaculate

And I mean immaculate. Everything matches. The plates, the blankets, the rugs, it's pristine.

It's like something off insta or whatever.

This woman can also sew like a pro, and garden like Monty. Amazing.

However. She can't cook, can't hold down a job and cannot organise anything bureaucratic at all. Any sort of admin just utterly fails her.

So the conclusion is that we're all good at different things.

Some people are just naturally tidy. Im not and wish I was but I'm just not so there we are! I'm an awful "tidy as you go along person" I go through cycles of trashing my house, then doing a big clear up.

Some people are just born tidy and organised. My elder sister was - her house is always immaculate. I’m pretty much the opposite!

My home has always looked lived in but fairly organised . I have friends whose homes are pristine and others living amongst chaos. I really don’t think that people give other peoples homes a second thought.

Maybe her kids aren’t the type to make a ton of mess. Some kids aren’t. My kids are always unboxing everything, leaving it everywhere and are super into messy play.

I live in a house like this. Everything has a place and I love my label maker. A tidy drawer/cupboard makes me happy 🤣🤦🏼‍♀️

Some friends act like it’s weird/magic, but I’m just ruthless about it what we use and don’t use and clear out drawers and cupboards every few months. Start small with a section of your house, even things like throwing away grubby flannels and buying new ones make a difference.

DH and I both have busy careers and long commutes so we need to be super organised.

I also have set routines for my beauty/personal care (always Sunday for shaving, waxing, nails, deep condition hair, blow dry, face mask etc) and household chores. We don’t sit down in the evening until the kitchen and playroom are tidy. I also empty the dishwasher and set out clothes for me and DC (as well as their school coats and bags) before I go to bed every night.

My debobbler is one of my favourite item for making old jumpers/coats etc look new.

My baby bag (now my gym bag) is 11 years old and still looks new after 2 kids. I always wiped it down with wet wipes and hoovered out crumbs.

It’s easy to keep on top of once all set up.

I don’t care what anyone else’s house looks like. The only time I’ve thought something’s gross is when I’ve been given a dirty glass with dog hairs in it 😂 Even pee on someone else’s toilet seat doesn’t bother me as a mum of boys.

Our house growing up was always pristine. My sister’s house isn’t!! She just doesn’t notice or care there’s clutter everywhere. I still love going there!

I have friends like this. It often comes down to two things, either/or or both. Help and money. Professional help like a cleaner and having time/money to have nice things kept nice. I’m very tidy but I have two small kids and clutter is just how it is. I prioritise but accept what’s possible. Just do you. Also her system is just for her really. Not to show off. Hope this helps.

Please don't let these thoughts get in the way of friendship OP, life is too short to scupper the chance of all the fun, laughter and support to come. x

we all make our own choices...but some of us blatantly judge others and make up assumptions about how they live their lives to make ourselves feel better about our own laziness!

It's fine to say perfect tidiness isn't a priority for you. Bitchy to assume that people can only be tidy if they sacrifice spending quality time with their kids or enjoying themselves.

Some people just don't buy much stuff so it's much easier to keep clean and tidy.
Some have really good storage.
Some are just naturally very organised.
Some have partners who share the load equally, and naturally/well trained tidy kids.
Some outsource it to a cleaner.
Some people genuinely get enjoyment/good mental health from having a clean, clutter free environment, cleaning for them is like doing exercise for others.
Some prioritise cleaning over lazing around faffing on their phone or watching tv.

For things like 'messy play' for example you still have to clean it up at some point. You can't just leave half dried paintings or open cartons of paint and water around indefinitely. It's usually much easier and quicker to take 5 minutes to clean it up immediately once you've finished, getting the kids to help, than to shove it to one side, move it again a few days later, swear and half-heartedly mop it up when it gets tipped over a day later again, and then finally spend 2 hours on a Saturday morning resentfully blitzing the whole room because the mess has piled up.

Agree with this, I'm one of the people who can not relax until everything is how I want it, my parents are the same as are my sister and brother. I have 5 daughters and they are the same. Its normal for us to not stop till it's all back to 0.

Honestly I think being the way we are is it's a form of laziness. I could not face cleaning up a mess, so I am constantly creating order and cleanliness. It's very quick to do and is constant. If I'm in the kitchen making a drink I'll be also wiping cupboard doors, turning labels around so that I know what we need to buy, wiping the floor or the sink. It's all super small super quick tasks that keep order and cleanliness.

I've never had to scrub my oven for example as every time I use it I wipe it over and it's back to looking new.

Honestly OP of you want to be like your friend, this is the way. I promise you will save so much time.

My children are older now but when they were younger I had a full time job and a clean house .
Why? because it made life easier for me
I did not judge others, for having a more lived in house . Everyone has different priorities

I am this tidy friend with the immaculate house. My brain is not tidy and I suffer with anxiety.

I didn't come to say that, but rather, that my best friend lives in a very messy chaotic house and fills me with so much joy. She's just the most wonderful human and teaches me to chill out sometimes. We're all different.

Comparison is the killer of joy remember.

I would say I am quite a lazy person, hence developing "work smarter not harder" techniques that work for me. I find it so much less work to keep a surface (or room) tidy so I can just give it a quick clean than to have to tidy everything away before cleaning it. It's also cheaper to keep things looking like new than to run them ragged and have to then buy new.

For example, I clean as I cook so that, come time to eat, the kitchen is pretty much washed up and ready to go (even with a roast, as I dish up, I put any leftovers into a lock and lock tub. I also don't have a lot of stuff and it's less to organise.

Some people just love tidying and organising. As someone said upthread, it's like a hobby for them. I am not one of those people, but I know they exist.

I also grew up with a hoarder mum who's house has no clear surfaces. So I'm sure that has influenced how I keep my house.

The truth is: some people are more popular than you, prettier than you, healthier than you, cleverer than you, more talented than you, harder-working than you. Some people are more successful at relationships than you, have a better sex life, earn more money, have better family support. They have taste and poise and style.

This will translate into parenting too.

So yes let’s be real perhaps you are inferior to her! But she’s obviously a nice person. It doesn’t mean you can’t be friends.

I think of my schoolfriends’ families in this scenario. One had the nicest house you had ever seen. It was like something out of a magazine. She was also one of the saddest people I knew - her mother was rigid, rule driven, cleaned obsessively and they weren’t allowed to do a whole load of things - go in the living room at all, drink anything other than water, cook food (we were 17!!), put on make up (might mess up the bathroom), wear jeans (blue dye might transfer to the furniture). It was a deeply in happy home. Another friend had a beautifully pristine home. Her mother was very nice, but the most bored woman I have ever met. She’d given up her career to be a housewife and just spent all day chafing at the confines of her lovely home, with nothing to do but clean and cook. The house we all felt happiest in had two working parents, an assortment of pets and an open door policy for anyone needing a bed for the night or help with their homework. It was untidy but loved and that was what mattered.