Should I include MIL on Mother’s Day?

[Marmalady10]

My MIL lives at the end of our road but she is very hands off. We invite her over for meals. and DH goes to see her every week, but she never visits us, calls, or messages. She shows no interest in the children and can’t afford the interest in them or their activities, exams, or sports. We only ever hear from her when she wants something or needs us to do something. I have to spend every Christmas, Easter, and Mother’s Day with her, and have done for the past 20 years at the expense of spending it with my own family, or having to bring her along to theirs. She never goes to her daughter’s house, but she always goes on about how close they are.

My older son is going to be leaving home this year, so I want this Mother’s Day to be spent with just me and my kids. I have said that I will take them out on my own, and DH can take his mother out so she doesn’t miss out. He thinks I’m being unfair. Am I being unfair for putting my own family first this time? Am I right to think that she could go to her daughter’s for a change, or at least make some effort this time so I can enjoy it too? She never invites us over.

Only if you want to. If not don't.
Let DH deal with his mum.

Why does he think you're being unfair? Does he not want to spend a bit of time with his mum?

Your dh only thinks it's unfair because he will have to put the effort in with his mum this year.

Take your kids out, have a lovely day, and don't let your dh or mil guilt trip you.

Why the hell have you gone along with spending every Christmas, Easter and Mother's Day with her?! I would have put my foot down years ago.

Tell DH to sod off. She's his mum, so if he wants to make the effort, he can.

She sounds like a miserable sort of person tbh.

Seriously, stop being such a doormat. You’ve had 18 years of crap mothers day with lazy MIL and now your kid is leaving and you want a nice one your dh says no. Tell your dh to do one and do something special with your kid. Please do this as you’ve limited time with your kids before they go off into the world.

YANBU

Why does he think you’re being unfair when she contributes next to nothing and shows not a modicum of interest in you and her grandchildren?

Fairness went out the window years ago. Why should she reap the benefits when she does nothing in return?

As you said, it’s HIS mother and he can spend time with her, and you can spend time with your children on Mother’s Day as you desire.

Nothing stopping him from celebrating his mother without your input.

How old is your MIL and is her husband deceased or did she divorce?

Up to him how he spends Mother’s Day. Tell him that you are doing something nice with your kids, he can decide if he joins you or does something with his Mum.

If he’s smart he will take his Mum out for breakfast and then join you and kids for the rest of the day.

Why do you live so close?

You're not being at all unfair to want to spend time with your own children on Mother's Day OP. Most of us like to spend a bit of time with our own Mum, and a bit of time with our children, and from my own experience most of our Mum's are happy to either be included in a day spent with their DD or DS and their children, or maybe have a 'Mother's Day' visit the day before, in order to enable us to spend the actual day with our kids. Tell your DH that you've given enough of your time to a woman who doesn't appreciate the effort you put in, and now he can do what he wants with his mother on Mother's Day, but you will be doing your own thing, and let him chew the bones out of that. As a previous poster said, he only thinks it's unfair, because he will have to put the effort in with his mum this year, so if he thinks you're being unfair, tell him to get together with his sister, and take their own Mum out, while you do what you want to do for a change.

I bet your MIL would like to be left free to do her own thing for the day. Go and have fun with your children and let her be your husbands problem.

But she isn’t your mother. She’s his mother. So he is in charge of entertaining his mother on Mother’s Day.

“ I have to spend every Christmas, Easter, and Mother’s Day with her, and have done for the past 20 years”

This is monstrously unreasonable, OP. The difficulty, though, is that your MIL lives at the end of your road. At the outside, you should be spending every other year with her, but there’s nothing to say you can’t have Christmas or Easter at home with just your family. Mothering Sunday is for mothers - so if you want to spend it with your DC, go for it. It’s not as though you’re leaving MIL alone and crying. Your DH needs to step up and get in touch with his DSis to take some of the Christmas/ Easter load - and perhaps ask her to come and celebrate with his DM while you’re out with your DC. Don’t your family mind about the Christmas/Easter thing, though? And what will happen when one or other of your DPs are left in their own? OP, you have more to think about here than where you spend family celebrations, but your MIL is v unreasonable to expect to see your family for everything, particularly when DH has a sister and when she takes no interest in your DC.

I have to spend every Christmas, Easter, and Mother’s Day with her

No you obviously don’t. It’s a choice. Choose to do something else!

If your DS is old enough to leave home, he’s old enough to sort out Mother’s Day! Why are you taking HIM out???

I hate Mother’s Day, it’s just another task for me to sort out, flowers etc for both my mother and his.

YANBU DH can ditch her too and spend it with the mother of his children for a change. Unless she is really ill or something it’s fine to prioritise your Mother’s Day and ask him to do so as well.

Maybe he is 17 and off to uni? I wouldn’t have expected my child to pay for a day or meal out at that age. There could be lots of reasons she wants to take her kids out from age, to disabilities or just personal choice. Typical mumsnet though. Blame the child when it’s the husband that is an arse.

Go out with your kids OP, your husband can still see his mum. It’s only an issue because he’ll have to deal with her himself instead of sharing the load with you.

I can’t believe you have been such a doormat for so long!

Take back control of your life!

Does your husband even organise Mothers Day? Or just wait to be surprised by what you've organised because he's a lazy and unpleasant shit?

I'll go against the tide and say I think it would be a bit cruel to leave her out as she is on her own and lives on the same road.

Couldn't you do two events on different days one with her and one without?

You mention her daughter but not how far away she lives.

Is she very old / on her way out?
If so, I'd invite her at least and see if she says yes or no.

MIL moved near to us (against my wishes) when her DH passed away. She is 80 and in good health. She was going to move near to her daughter but the area is too expensive. The next thing we heard she had seen a house at the end of our road and put an offer on it! Her daughter lives 2 hours away but she doesn’t go to see her either. She’s just one of those people who expects everyone to revolve around her and roll out the red carpet when she is around.

Remember that one day you might be an 80-year-old widow living on your own….

With us, i (as the mum) get to choose what i want to do for mothers' day and with whom i do it.
And DH can decide to do something with his mum if he wants, or join us.

If that happens she’ll expect to make an effort with her children and grandchildren if she wants a meaningful relationship with… Which her MIL doesn’t do. Not sure what your point is.

Yeah, presumably she’ll make a bit more effort either way her own bloody kids!