Should I include MIL on Mother’s Day?

[Marmalady10]

My MIL lives at the end of our road but she is very hands off. We invite her over for meals. and DH goes to see her every week, but she never visits us, calls, or messages. She shows no interest in the children and can’t afford the interest in them or their activities, exams, or sports. We only ever hear from her when she wants something or needs us to do something. I have to spend every Christmas, Easter, and Mother’s Day with her, and have done for the past 20 years at the expense of spending it with my own family, or having to bring her along to theirs. She never goes to her daughter’s house, but she always goes on about how close they are.

My older son is going to be leaving home this year, so I want this Mother’s Day to be spent with just me and my kids. I have said that I will take them out on my own, and DH can take his mother out so she doesn’t miss out. He thinks I’m being unfair. Am I being unfair for putting my own family first this time? Am I right to think that she could go to her daughter’s for a change, or at least make some effort this time so I can enjoy it too? She never invites us over.

I think the issue is what she might have done over her lifetime. Call me harsh, but I think with family relationships there's an element of "you reap what you sow".

My own dm and dmil are close to 80 now, and they might not be able to offer the same family support they did when younger, but I haven't noticed age has any impact on them being loving and interested in our family.

Age 80 you could live another 10 years. Mothers doing mothering not older women fancying pampering are who mothers day should be focussed on. The woman’s son can pop round for a chat with some flowers

I spent time with my MIL because I actually liked her not out of obligation and duty. She was an incredible Grandma, same goes for my Mum.

Stop pandering to her. Start now as you mean to go on. Your Dh can fuck right off, you have prioritised his side of the family for far too long. He just doesn't want to be alone with her and I would ask him that directly.

You have been a saint. I would have stopped this years ago. Have a lovely day with your DS. Once he leaves start working on your self esteem, stop
People pleasing, you’ve only got one life.

My parents are in their 80s. They don’t expect things to revolve round them. My 82y mum always tells me that she feels bad that we are so busy and work so hard, what can she do to help, and please not to worry about them. What you describe is a selfish mentality, whether you are 30 or 80.

OP this is the year you stop being a doormat pushover. Stay strong.

You are the dm in your household.. So do what YOU want...
Dh can go see her surely?

Does your DH think it unfair that you don't see your own Mum?

YANBU unreasonable but, on a practical level, our family doesn’t do Mother’s or Father’s Day for anyone who is a grandparent, we celebrate with them on Grandparents’ Day now to allow parents to have their day with their (young) children (rather than adult offspring 😂).

You can't be sure of that. Currently sitting by the bedside of a 95 year old....

Anyway, the OP isn't suggesting that she spends the day alone. She is suggesting her DH spends the day with his mother while OP spends it with her children.

This sounds more like the DH not wanting to step up and see to his own DM without his wife helping out.

And once in 20 years my dil might want Mother’s Day on her own with the dc. Big fucking deal.

this won’t actually happen to me as I have no expectations of seeing my children every Mother’s Day once they have babies of their own, we can have a cup of tea or they can come to dinner another night at least half the time. Even if I’m an 80yo living alone.

Tell your dh firmly you’re going to spend the next 20 years or as many as you have seeing your mother on Mother’s Day, irs been a massive mistake not doing this, and he can invite his mum around for dinner the Saturday or Sunday before and if she doesn’t want to come that’s her issue.

I'd suggest a simple quick breakfast visit with a beautiful bunch of flowers and some fancy croissants so you have the rest of the day to do something without her:

"Hi Valerie, the children are taking me out for a special meal for Mother's Day this year so we'll pop over in the morning to see you before we go out. Mike will take you out for a treat for lunch! x "

or

Make the SIL see her mum:
"Hi SIL, we've got something planned on Mother's Day with the kids so wondered if you could invite your mum over this year so Mike can join me and the kids for Tom's last year at home."

or

Something she would absolutely hate to do so will choose to opt out of:
"Val, we're booking to do kayaking and a Korean karaoke restaurant on Mother's Day, do you want to come? We'll all be in fancy dress as our favourite trees."

My mum and MIL both live close by, some years I go see mine in the morning at church for Mothering Sunday and he sees his and then we go out as a couple with our kids in the evening or sometimes I'll take my mum for an afternoon tea or boozy lunch on the Saturday and pop in on his mum Sunday or take her out with us on Sunday. Sometimes we watch our kids play rugby on the Sunday and go to my mum's for a roast in the afternoon and take his mum out for tea and cake or a lunch the following weekend. All the mums get a card and a bunch of flowers and time. Somehow and in some way. There's also the additional juggle of all our siblings getting involved in different ways or at the same meal or whatever. I think the main difference here is that your MIL is an energy vampire.

She is not your Mother. Do as you please.

Agree. Wonder why he doesn’t want to spend time alone with his own mum? My guess is he knows she’s hard work.

He could pop by the nearest shop, pick up a card and some flowers/chocolate, whatever his mum likes and go see her himself without OP’s involvement or presence.

Not sure why some think OP should lose out on another Mother’s Day when her DH could easily just go see his mum alone.

My own mum never spent it with her MIL. She saw her own mum and then dad would take us to see his mum. DH sorts out his mum and I sort out mine because our in-laws are not our parents and it is not our job to facilitate the parent and adult child relationship.

Why have you entertained this?
Send your husband off to his mother and enjoy yours.
Time he spent Christmas and easter with her too.

She has no interest in your family, that would mean no inclusion here.
You are too soft.
Hold firm and send him off.
Be clear that HE alone will be doing any caring duties.

Eh? Why have you gone along with this for so long? She’s not your mother, let your DH deal with her

Good grief. Both our mums died years ago but I would spend it with mine, and my husband with his. Or I'd spend it with my own daughter and husband. I don't understand why you're spending Mothering Sunday with someone who isn't your mum?

How sad that you wasted 20 years of your kids lives doing what someone else wanted? Now your ds is leaving home and you want to change things?

6% of women live beyond 80 so it is quite rare and they generally have a good support network too or they give up.

Your husband doesn't want to spend time alone with his mother, I expect she annoys him or he struggles with conversation. He also doesn't want to have to arrange anything.

She's not your Mum.

I imagine op will make an effort with her own kids as that's what she wants to do already.

You use the words against your wishes when you updated..erm maybe your the problem and the reason she dosent visit or do anything for you with that attitude ffs..with good reason she probably dosent like you ..

Seriously don’t bother! She is your DH’s problem not yours. Have a lovey day with your own family.