Should I include MIL on Mother’s Day?

[Marmalady10]

My MIL lives at the end of our road but she is very hands off. We invite her over for meals. and DH goes to see her every week, but she never visits us, calls, or messages. She shows no interest in the children and can’t afford the interest in them or their activities, exams, or sports. We only ever hear from her when she wants something or needs us to do something. I have to spend every Christmas, Easter, and Mother’s Day with her, and have done for the past 20 years at the expense of spending it with my own family, or having to bring her along to theirs. She never goes to her daughter’s house, but she always goes on about how close they are.

My older son is going to be leaving home this year, so I want this Mother’s Day to be spent with just me and my kids. I have said that I will take them out on my own, and DH can take his mother out so she doesn’t miss out. He thinks I’m being unfair. Am I being unfair for putting my own family first this time? Am I right to think that she could go to her daughter’s for a change, or at least make some effort this time so I can enjoy it too? She never invites us over.

This. Has your own mum died or emigrated or something? I would not agree to do every single year with MIL and not my mum.

You are only doing it for this year, you can make that very clear.

Yanbu because she isn't your dm. Dh can spend the day with her if he wants..
Is his cord still attached is that why she moved closer??

He thinks I’m being unfair

He just can't be arsed to entertain his own mother!

Its Mothers Day, she is not your Mother so you don't have to spend it with her if you don't want to
Is DH using you as a human shield because he doesn't want to spend time with her on his own?

How have you put up with this so long!

You sound saintly OP to deal with this nonsense, 100% you have a lovely day with your children. Husband can liaise with sister and sort something for his Mum. Really feel for you with her moving so close, sounds hard work. Have a lovely time!

But she will be with her actual child, her son. The OP has done twenty mother’s days with her MIL already.

I don’t understand what your husband feels is unfair. He gets to have a lovely day with his mum

You don’t “have” to do anything re your MIL OP. You choose to rather than standing up to your husband. I don’t spend easter with any parent.

Well, I would never leave my dmil out on mother's day, but she's supportive and caring to us and our dc!

If she doesn't actually do any mothering, I don't think you're unreasonable. I think the offer for your dh to do something with her is more than reasonable!

This.

And. She has had her time. at least 18 years of it by the sound of it.

Like Christmas, I consider Mother's Day a moveable feast. If my DC can't make it that day... we can do it before or after. It's not set in stone.

Take your time now and don't let anyone stop you. If they are unreasonable enough not to accept an alternative, that is entirely their problem.

Don't let them Guilt trip you.

Don't bother arguing about it. Make your plans and follow through.

How is it leaving her out? Her son can plan a lovely day and spend every moment of Mothers Day with his mother.

The woman is 80 - what are people expecting her to do?
She lives alone and won't be around for much longer.

I think when I'm 80. I will expect the whole world to revolve around me too.
I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Won't you want your kids to visit you on Mothers Day when your 80 ?

I do it, despite hating Mother’s Day. Have DM and MIL over, taxi-ing both, presents, flowers, roast, wine. Goes on for a good few hours say 2-6pm. I do love both, but I’d rather not do it. DH isn’t always here either , so I end up doing it on my own. I don’t think either realises I’m a mum now too and it’s no party for me!

I think people get old, bit blinkered, bit entitled - lots of ‘this will be my last’ comments. I’ve had to remind DM that I’m also getting older, working full time with DD under ten and my weekends are absorbed by her- shopping/taking her out, then washing/ironing cleaning. I’d personally do it- then book yourself a day off and do something you actually enjoy!

Why have you had to share Mother’s Day with MIL for ~20 years?! She’s not your mum! It was DH’s responsibility to see her, not yours or DC.

Time to stop it now, just ignore her from now on.

Ah, the eternal refrain to make women do all the work for their useless husbands’ mothers. Give it a rest.

Seriously just stop!

Leave MIL to DH and send your mum a bunch of flowers.

Why have you done this to yourself?

And also remember, that if you've previously been uninterested in your grandkids and DIL... you're at risk of being left out at times.

People aren't expecting OP's MIL to do anything. They are expecting OP's DH to do something with his mum on Mothers' Day on his own as OP has suggested while she celebrates with her own son.

Her MIL sounds pretty awful and being 80 doesn't wipe the slate clean. She is still the same selfish woman as she has always been so it's unreasonable to expect OP to like her and to keep putting her first as she has always done up until now.

I think you're absolutely right. Mothers day is about the mother/child relationship. Your children spend the day with their mother, your husband spends the day with his.

Can't you imagine at 80 you'd love the idea of a day with your son, just the two of you, you the centre of his attention, no distractions? Because that's what the OPs suggesting. I'd have thought that right up the street of a mother who wanted things to revolve around her.

“I am going to spend Mother’s Day with my family. Your mother does and that’s allowed so I am just doing what she does 😊”.

Sounds like she isn't even interested in knowing your child, so why celebrate mother's day for her? DH can deal with his mother. Too many other halves propping up the MIL relationship.