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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious, dd went to daddys last night. only to be told he was out last night!

36 replies

hayley2u · 15/06/2008 12:02

ok my dd (8 months old) went to her daddys last night . but i just had a message from a friend very innocently asking how we all where. and she d mantioned oh i seen xx last night. now i am absolutly livid. my dd goes to stay with ex dp 1 day a blody week. ( thas is only the second week this arangement has happened). have text him to dmand her home. am i being unreasonable to be soo angry that he sai last night that he would not go out. i feel he let my baby down ?
some advicew please i am worried now and what do i do

OP posts:
lulumama · 15/06/2008 12:04

before you hit the roof, talk to your ex DP and find out where he was and who was looking after DD if indeed he was out. some people just like stirring and causing trouble.

Original poster
hayley2u · 15/06/2008 12:07

i a absolutly livid. i trusted him. obviously ha has said he was not out, but (this friend did not know we had split up to have caused shit). i have demanded dd back. 1 bloody day a weeek and he cant even do that

OP posts:
Collision · 15/06/2008 12:09

so who was looking after dd then?

lulumama · 15/06/2008 12:11

where did this friend see him, what time, and was he dressed up for going out? big difference between him going out to buy nappies for e.g with someone watching DD than going out on the piss with the lads,isn;t there? have a calm and rational talk with him

Original poster
hayley2u · 15/06/2008 12:11

thats my whole problem. i asked him did it not cross yourmind to tellme who had my daughter

OP posts:
TheTeaspoonLady · 15/06/2008 12:13

If he said he was not out, perhaps he wasn't?

Collision · 15/06/2008 12:13

You need to calm down as Lulu said and make sure he hadnt popped out to buy something before you make a fool of yourself.

I would not be happy if I had left dd and he had gone out clubbing or pubbing.

Find out the facts first and ask your friend where she saw him.

mankymummy · 15/06/2008 12:21

sounds a bit dodgy to me. if she'd seen your ex out and not known you'd split why would she have rung you to ask how you all were? surely she would have asked him at the time.

you need to find out where she saw him and if he was alone... from what you've said she said, he could have had your DD with him and just popped out for something.

Original poster
hayley2u · 15/06/2008 12:21

he just text me saying he was in his mates and they haD HER WLST HE WENT TO MEET SOMEONE PLUS SHE WAS SLEEPING.

OP posts:
BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 15/06/2008 12:24

Your daughter is only 8 months old, if she is to have an enduring relationship with her father and he with her you need to be calmer in your dealings.

If he was out, then you need to point out that being with his daughter one day a week means just that, being with her, and if that means he has to make sacrifices well so be it that is what parenthood is all about.

lulumama · 15/06/2008 12:24

So, he took her to a friends, she went to sleep, the friend stayed in and he went out to meet someone..... is that right?

did he have her through the day?

maybe if he had , and she was going to sleep , he thought that he could go out as he had had her all day?

lulumama · 15/06/2008 12:25

i agree with Bree , you need to be calm, collected and rational..

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 15/06/2008 12:25

Meet someone for what ??

Was he out ten minutes or ten hours, you will not get answers if you go in with all guns blazing.

fawkeoff · 15/06/2008 12:26

i am not sticking up for him....but your friend didnt see him out all night did she???? he may well have just popped out like he said....you should give him the benefit of the doubt, just make it clear to him that you wont tolerate him going out while he is supposed to have her

mankymummy · 15/06/2008 12:26

well if these mates are reliable, the person he had to meet was about something important and it was only for a short time then i wouldnt be that annoyed.

if not maybe you could just ask him to try and arrange his social life around times when he does not have your DD. and remind him he said he would not go out if he had her.

i can understand why you are upset, in my mind i'd be thinking a) why doesnt he want to spend every valuable minute with her and b) who else is he dumping her on?

fawkeoff · 15/06/2008 12:27

on a full blown night out i mean

TheTeaspoonLady · 15/06/2008 12:28

The main thing is that your DD is safe.

Once you have calmed down you need to agree some parenting ground rules with your exP.

He is her father, so surely has her best interests at heart, just as you do as her mother?

I know you are upset and angry, but you need to try and calm down, and keep the channels of communication open with your DDs' father.

fizzbuzz · 15/06/2008 12:36

I think you need to know who was looking aftr her...........

Original poster
hayley2u · 15/06/2008 12:44

right. i dont know if you v read my thread on my friend ho hits her 8 month old well thats who my dd was dumped on. my dd has nevr styed over with anyone but famly and i am realy uncomfortable with this. i text her and askd her did dd sta with her she text back yer is there a problem. too right theres a bloody problem.
he was seen out a 2 in morning who nips out at two in thwe orning and he was enn with load of lads. i dont care if she was aslep or not. this aint accepltable behaviour for my baby .

OP posts:
edam · 15/06/2008 12:46

You are quite right, it isn't. ESPECIALLY for an eight month old baby. If he doesn't want to look after her overnight, then he shouldn't have her.

mankymummy · 15/06/2008 12:46

i'm not surprised you are livid then.

does your ex know this woman hits her own child?

i would not let him have her again.

sorry, i know i'll get slated for that because he's her father but for gods sake.

i think he's behaved appallingly.

Original poster
hayley2u · 15/06/2008 12:53

no manky. i am one of those people who dont want to stop the dcs from seeing their dad, but on this time i am absolutly angry. iv told hi to get her home now and he said no come n get her. so trying to get hold of someone to collect her for me as know thers going to be reaaly bad shit.
the girl who minded her said they only walkied up to get a kebab but hes jut said that he had to go out somewhere to eet someone.
feel like i taking for a mug.

OP posts:
fizzbuzz · 15/06/2008 13:11

Sounds like a child protection issue to me....

Your ex, her father left her with another women who abuses her children I think you need to see a solictor. He is not behaving reponsibly about the care of his own child, that is neglect imo

fawkeoff · 15/06/2008 13:12

ok it does sound like he went out.....i would be livid also....they coyld have ordered a kebab instead of him popping out to get one.....i would still try and be as calm as possible because men love to turn the "she's a naggin crazy bitch" to everyone....keep your cool.....and tell him that he has had 1 stike another one and he's up shit creek

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 15/06/2008 13:19

hayley you sound like you're trying to be really fair to your ex and trying to establish/maintain a relation between your dd and her dad, but he's endangering her. I think you need to do three things

1- Anonymously report your friend- NO-ONE should be hitting a baby, full top. She needs re-educating or something.

2- Break off your friendship and tell your dp that he can't take your daughter there, full stop.

3- Arrange for your ex to have your dd in the day not at night, if he isn't there then what's the point in him having her at all? she may as well be safe at home with you.

He needs to realise this is a baby, a tiny vulnerable human, not a piece of luggage, or a dog. I really feel for you hope you have some good real life support.