Not wanting mil to stay

[WhyWomen26]

I probably am bu but I don’t care!
my mil is hard work - we do get on now in small doses I can tolerate her for a few hours
But even my teenagers are fed up with her after a few hours!
anyway yes there is history she’s been nasty and I’ve bitten back and we’ve had fall outs however we are ok now - as I say only in small short doses

however Today she’s announced that she’s moving 5 hours away (she currently lives just over an hours drive away)
and the new place it’s about 3.5-4 on a train five hours drive!
this will mean she will 100% want to stay over!!
Help my husband is spineless and won’t say no! - He’s pathetic and literally can’t say anything to her.

she has stayed in the past and honestly it was so bad we had a fall out for almost a year once
was bliss where she didn’t talk to us!
but I can’t be arsed with the drama!

and before anyone says it “do I have my family to stay?” the answer is also - hell NO…

I don’t like house guests full stop

I can tolerate short day visits, probably an occasional night, but she would (& did take the piss)
She once stayed 5 nights because we’d asked her to babysit for a night out occasion! And when I asked her how much longer are you planning on staying , she got so pissed off and said I’ll leave then shall I !! And literally slammed doors and walked out there and then!
I was like ffs ok you’ve been here five days already , bye then! - It’s just so immature
seriously you can’t have a conversation with her - cant ask simple questions, because she becomes insulted and flustered and pissed off “you don’t want me blah blah blah” (well no actually I don’t)
but unfortunately my husband does!!!
Send help!! Advice, tips , excuses??

And saying on you very first line

I probably am being unreasonable but I dont care!

Isn't really a great start

Why can't you just put up with it for say 4 nights per year? She comes to visit twice and stays 2 nights. The rest of the time DH can go and visit her.

I don't like having people stay over either but there's no way I'd send my parents or inlaws to an Air BnB for the sake of a couple of nights at a time. Is this a thing now?

I can’t stand anyone other than my adult DC staying over.

I agree with PP. You tell DH that MIL needs to stay in a hotel if he wants peace. If he invites her to stay, you will go away yourself, either with or without the DC.

How many times will she expect to visit ? Can you handle 3-5 night in a year ? I hate house guests too

How did you break the cycle?

when the time comes and she wants to stay, if your DH won’t tell her no, then you must. Simples.

But really you have a DH problem.

Just go and sleep at a friend's house. Let DH cook for her and sort her out.

Arrange to be away when she's stays or investigate a nice hotel/b&b near you and explain that if she wants to visit she'll be staying in her own accommodation. She has brought this on herself, so don't feel guilty. Finally, you can always pack your husband off to stay with her!

It doesn’t matter if she’s upset or not, she’ll be upset by you telling her you don’t want her to stay at your, she’ll want to stay for days and you know that ends in disaster

just say, that you don’t have room or inclination to host anyone, but Airbnb or a local bnb would suit her better.

Completely agree.

I think it’s fair enough for her to stay 2 nights if coming from so far away. Just have boundaries and say 2 nights max. It would be U to say she can never stay. And that coming from someone who can’t stand her MIL

Your voice is so alive! I hear your accent as perhaps Northern Irish rural?
Yes? No?
Despite whatever I might be thinking about your plight, I just want to applaud you and resonate with your description of your situation.

As to the rest? Nah! Don't let her stay. She sounds like poison. Get her a B&B, if she insists on visiting. Insist that your DH acquires a spine from somewhere.
F*ck 'em. Keep being as real as you are. Much love. xx

Can't you get rid of the spare bed and turn the spare bedroom into something else? Then point her towards air bnbs (you can even offer to rent it for her).

This made me laugh 🤣 send husband to the mils ... get rid of both 😂

I feel your pain on this.. I couldn't do it I don't like having house guests one bit.
I remember the days years ago when I had a mil ... omg it was a nightmare I couldn't ever go back to those days I'm happily single now thank god.

’It’s a long old way, we’ll be able to meet in the middle’.

Start researching good equidistant places to meet up. Eg meet at a cafe in a park mid morning. Coffee and a catch up, snack for the kids. Kids have a play in the playground and blow off some steam. Then to a nearby restaurant/ Pizza Ex/ whatever for lunch and a catch up. A little walk after lunch then say your goodbyes. Is that doable?

Sorry, I just can't relate to this. You're all family. Isnt it normal to put up family when they come to see you? Even if its a relief when they leave. It just seems rude to suggest she stays in an air bnb when she comes to visit if you have room in your house.

Tbh I had to have this conversation with my own parents as my house is just too small, don't have a spare room and meant moving all kids into one room. So 4 adults and 3 teens with one bathroom, it was bad. I gave them hitels nearby or air b and b and told them id book it and pay.
Sadly they never visited me again as dad seemed to take a huge huff (we are all flight or ferry ride away) then coving and then they just got too old.

They are lucky I visit quite a bit

There is no harm telling her your expectations

A lot of people simply don’t enjoy overnight guests - we’re all different

Move further away and make sure you have no guest rooms.

Could you be straight up with her? Say MiL, it’s lovely you’re moving to be close to your sibling and friend. It’s a good thing you are doing. I know it will make things tricky if you want to visit us. And you know how we rub each other up the wrong way if we spend too much time in each other’s company? So how about I find some decent ABNBs close by us that you can book? Means you have somewhere to escape to when you’ve had enough of me, and we can take you ‘home’ for the night when it suits?

I'm with you on house guests. I hate hosting. I didn't mind when I was younger/had more energy, but perimenopause and a stressful full time job plus caring responsibilities for elderly family have left me with no spare energy to host people and do all the extra cleaning and cooking. We are building a shepherds hut at the moment and when it's finished that will be available for guests, but until then they stay at the local pub/b&b!

I don't like or expect to stay in others' homes either, so it's not like I refuse to host but expect to stay.

YABU not to accommodate her visiting at all, but YANBU to insist MIL stays in a hotel/self catering or bnb. People's schedules and habits aren't always compatible, and we can spend time with family for longer if we have somewhere we can retreat to, or we know we'll have the house to ourselves overnight and in the morning.

People's habits and schedules just aren't always compatible. MIL and her partner go to bed at 9pm and expect a quiet house after that, and have a 2 bed semi. I can't expect 2 teen night owl boys to share a small living room with the dogs and be silent after 9pm, no wifi either and poor signal so it's not like they can go on tablets with headphones. MIL struggles to sleep at ours because the boys are pottering until midnight or so and the rooster starts at dawn. She's terrified of the goats and won't leave the front door unless one of us is with her.

FIL has turned his spare room into a workshop since retiring and has no spare beds, but thinks it's entirely reasonable for us all to camp out on air beds on the living room floor. Which would mean we can't go to bed until he does, and he's more of a night owl than our DC. He drinks heavily and his idea of a good night is playing us awful experimental music by obscure bands, wuth the volume up so high it's painful as he's rather deaf, and lecturing us about them. Not that we can hear a word he says of course. At our house, he grumps about not being allowed to play said loud, dreadful music and that we're too quiet and "no fun" and don't have enough "hard liquor" in the house - usually after draining DH's single malt!

But despite it glaringly not working for anyone involved, still it's somehow rude or seen as we don't love them if we don't host/stay there. Baffling.

We have family stay in hotels/air bnb when they come. Allows for more space and a better visit for all.

we do offer to help with costs though, if that is an option for you?

Similar @CrazyGoatLadywe had to sleep in living room of PIL and their pattern was to sleep in front of the TV 9-12, then get up and be very loud for a few hours, even until 3-4am. So we couldn’t go to bed, I was told if I was tired I should just be able to lie down on the floor and go to sleep. FIL would also get up at 7am, bang around for an hour, go back to bed for a few hours. I would be wide awake then.
Then they wonder why you don’t want to come and stay and complain you are difficult.
If you have people to stay or are staying at others you need to make the effort to make sure people are actually getting some sleep.