Not wanting mil to stay

[WhyWomen26]

I probably am bu but I don’t care!
my mil is hard work - we do get on now in small doses I can tolerate her for a few hours
But even my teenagers are fed up with her after a few hours!
anyway yes there is history she’s been nasty and I’ve bitten back and we’ve had fall outs however we are ok now - as I say only in small short doses

however Today she’s announced that she’s moving 5 hours away (she currently lives just over an hours drive away)
and the new place it’s about 3.5-4 on a train five hours drive!
this will mean she will 100% want to stay over!!
Help my husband is spineless and won’t say no! - He’s pathetic and literally can’t say anything to her.

she has stayed in the past and honestly it was so bad we had a fall out for almost a year once
was bliss where she didn’t talk to us!
but I can’t be arsed with the drama!

and before anyone says it “do I have my family to stay?” the answer is also - hell NO…

I don’t like house guests full stop

I can tolerate short day visits, probably an occasional night, but she would (& did take the piss)
She once stayed 5 nights because we’d asked her to babysit for a night out occasion! And when I asked her how much longer are you planning on staying , she got so pissed off and said I’ll leave then shall I !! And literally slammed doors and walked out there and then!
I was like ffs ok you’ve been here five days already , bye then! - It’s just so immature
seriously you can’t have a conversation with her - cant ask simple questions, because she becomes insulted and flustered and pissed off “you don’t want me blah blah blah” (well no actually I don’t)
but unfortunately my husband does!!!
Send help!! Advice, tips , excuses??

You need to have the conversation with your husband and set clear boundaries now. Tell him his mother will need to stay in a b&b or hotel nearby when she visits.

By the way, if you're married the home is a marital asset no matter who owns it. Just in case you ever split, you should be aware of this.

These sort of MIL posts make me feel so sad.

As a mother I would remind myself that the man i loved was made in her womb, she fed and nurtured him and was always loyal and loving to him.

And he loves her still.

She drove me nuts sometimes with her interfering behaviours and opinions, and i moaned like hell at my DH about her sometimes major infractions.

I look back in shame of some of the things i said.

I am a MIL now and a grandmother of three from two children. I do my best but am certain i am not perfect.

I once was you, and one day you will be me, so try and compromise, whatever that looks like.

Are you not sad for the way OP was treated?

Why is your sadness just for MILs? Biased much.

Thank goodness our family all live within a 25 minutes drive.
No adults need to stay over.
Only people who have stayed are the grandchildren for sleep overs.

Just tell her you don't have any house guests even your family, say you find relationships are kept in good shape with a bit of space and gice her a list of places local she can stay, perhaps pay for or towards it if you can.

You miss the point totally one day you will all be mils….

It doesn’t mean OP needs to have her MIL staying whenever MIL wants to. You seem to be missing that point.

OP, remove your filter.
Tell your husband to visit her or arrange for her to stay somewhere.
Tell her the same.
Its your house.
Best thing would be a big fall out and he can visit.
If the grandchildren want to join him, great.

I don't like visitors either.
My eldest has started to come home with his lovely girlfriend and even that is challenging for me.

Some women do not like overnight visitors as they age.

Are your children males by any chance? If they are YOU will be that MIL to their wife one day. Remember that.

So what are you saying, that OP should accept shitty behaviour from her MIL?

And we may not be..

Even if I was, I wouldn’t be inviting myself to my children’s home and would prefer staying nearby instead of their home unless they (them and their spouse) really want me to stay with them. I also don’t expect to be hosted and will help and fit in where they need me to. May be my adult child but not my home.

Having your boundaries pushed and ignored in your own home often makes you less likely to do it to others.

bloody glad my family, children, mothers grandmothers and fathers, great grandmothers son, daughters, son in law and daughter in law have some mutual respect and don’t hold your kind of attitude

what a miserable point of view.

😂😂😂 oh ok, so we should be grateful to overstepping & overbearing MILs because they bore our husbands?! Thanks for the laugh!

Make it clear now that you won’t be able to care for her when she is older as the distance is way too far.
my friend had to say this to her in laws when they moved four hours drive away.
the time has come they need help, and my friend organises care they pay for. They hate it. But she was clear from the off this is what would happen, so she feels no guilt. Her husband totally agreed with her

Careful or you’ll have @Hedgehogforshort telling you it’s the duty of DILs to look after MILs in their old age.

I can’t help but wonder if there are 2 types of people replying here

person 1 the type to go along with things like this because they want to “be nice”. They will also bitch about said guests over staying their welcome/expecting to be waited on/leaving toothpaste marks in the sick

person 2 the type that says “fuck that”

Nope totally not my opinion, and I do not think we should be expected to look after our mothers either.

I wouldn’t do that to my children. But I suspect you would.

Do you really, well you are wrong.

standing joke with my daughter we only ever stay max 2 days at either of our houses because we start to get annoyed with each other

my DIL lives nearby so not a problem

we go away all together once a year and we give the parents a break, and look after kiddies whilst they have couple times

its called give and take

Give and take is how it should be, but that’s not what the OP is talking about here, and it’s not my situation either.

I hear you all actually and do not live on planet perfect.

as it happens I logged on a lot to MIL threads before I became one just to see people’s perspectives and figure out how to navigate my own way through relationships, imposed upon me and my DIL

I can tell you I made mistakes.

and so did my DIL

we got there in the end but with a lot of dancing around and not direct conversations.

and then my own experience of mother and Mil

i concluded as a mother I had to just suck some stuff up and our family are better for it.

Is your dh spineless or would he like to see his mother? Whatever you think of her and however annoying she is to you/ you all she’s his mum

She is your husband's mum.

You will need to tolerate and both work at making it better for all

I hate houseguests because it's work and compromise. My friend moved away, but has decided to stay with us when visiting her adult DC. I love a visit, even for an afternoon, but hate her staying over. It's a lot of extra work & I always have to be 'on'. I need to recharge on the tiny bit of free time I have on a weekend - and I like her company!!

I would have loved my IL's moving 4 hours away though......

I’m a MIL and posts like this are so sad. Surely the DH can say to his mum that she’s welcome for a couple of nights (and make sure mum sticks to this).Surely DIL can put up with her graciously knowing it’s for a short space of time. There do seem to be a lot of intolerant and unkind people on Mumsnet, thankfully I haven’t encountered that many in real life.