Not wanting mil to stay

[WhyWomen26]

I probably am bu but I don’t care!
my mil is hard work - we do get on now in small doses I can tolerate her for a few hours
But even my teenagers are fed up with her after a few hours!
anyway yes there is history she’s been nasty and I’ve bitten back and we’ve had fall outs however we are ok now - as I say only in small short doses

however Today she’s announced that she’s moving 5 hours away (she currently lives just over an hours drive away)
and the new place it’s about 3.5-4 on a train five hours drive!
this will mean she will 100% want to stay over!!
Help my husband is spineless and won’t say no! - He’s pathetic and literally can’t say anything to her.

she has stayed in the past and honestly it was so bad we had a fall out for almost a year once
was bliss where she didn’t talk to us!
but I can’t be arsed with the drama!

and before anyone says it “do I have my family to stay?” the answer is also - hell NO…

I don’t like house guests full stop

I can tolerate short day visits, probably an occasional night, but she would (& did take the piss)
She once stayed 5 nights because we’d asked her to babysit for a night out occasion! And when I asked her how much longer are you planning on staying , she got so pissed off and said I’ll leave then shall I !! And literally slammed doors and walked out there and then!
I was like ffs ok you’ve been here five days already , bye then! - It’s just so immature
seriously you can’t have a conversation with her - cant ask simple questions, because she becomes insulted and flustered and pissed off “you don’t want me blah blah blah” (well no actually I don’t)
but unfortunately my husband does!!!
Send help!! Advice, tips , excuses??

Well for a start my MIL isn’t coming for a couple of nights. Sometimes she stays for two weeks, and this happens regularly.

I find it “sad” that so many MILs think it’s acceptable to do this. And it’s even more sad to think their sons/daughters in law should be ok with it or even enjoy it. It’s intrusive and downright rude.

i do not know how you have drawn the conclusion that so many MIL think it acceptable to stay for two weeks i do not for one

I guess I’m a type 3. My mil hasn’t really done anything to me, did some not great things to dh when he was younger (thoughtless). She is definitely not either of our sort of person and we can’t bear her partner.

but she is my dh’s mother. My children’s nan.

she wants to be part of our life and she won’t be around forever.

my compassion woukd never let me treat and talk about her as op does.

op allowed her mil to stay Thursday to Sunday, she probably thought she was helping out.

its on op to have had stronger boundaries. And being a young mother is a weak excuse.

we can have stong but fair boundaries and still be kind.

and her dd had probably heard her mum butch and moan about the mil. How unkind.

Almost exclusively the paternal MIL where the 'problem' lies?

What goes around….comes around….remember that when your kids are grown…,and they tell you to fuck off when you ask to visit your GC

I think MILs who sit on their arse dispensing wisdom should be told I need your help, here is Freddy i am off for a shower or whatever.

From someone who also has a difficult relationship with my MIL, you need to give a little and then draw a clear boundary. Tell your DH that you happy to have her stay a couple of times a year for one night but really any more than this you would worry that it would lead to a falling out. Then encourage him to maintain the relationship with the grandchildren in others ways - him visiting her, or them all going away for the weekend.

Sell it to him as the best way to keep the harmony: and best of luck!

she got so pissed off and said I’ll leave then shall I ...
Erm... yes please! 🤣

Confused here.

OP allowed her MIL to stay for five days?

Was she supposed to kick her out?

MIL is her DH’s mum and OP should be compassionate yet OP is also supposed to somehow boot her out of her home after she overstayed her welcome?

Being a ftm is not an excuse. Often dynamics change when children enter the picture.

Plus, teenagers don’t typically go off of their parents’ experiences when it comes to their grandparents, they go off their own personal experiences. If MIL is a lot to them, then she highly likely is.

Pretty sure most posters recall what their grandparents were like with them and could say whether they were nice or not. Plenty of threads, posters have said what their own grandparents were like when they were children.

Do exactly this, for everyone’s sake

Go on a (kind) offensive. Don't be caught off guard.

"Oh MIL, that's a great move for you, but we will all have to think about the arrangements for when you come to [our town]. As you know, I'm now working from home and every room in the house is occupied / As you know Jo and Edi are now in their own rooms. However, fantastic news! There is a [insert accommodation of choice] that is only 5 minutes walk or 7 minutes in a taxi. I know how much you value your independence and this seems like the perfect solution. I see it is free from 3rd to 8th October. Do you want to book it?"

Being a young mum is a weak excuse

You don’t sound like a compassionate person at all

I would suggest finding a purpose for any spare room like an office or gym. No spare beds and send her links to a hotel if she wants to visit.

I completely get you OP. I hate having anyone stay over. In the 30yrs I've lived in my house I've had the PIL stay one night (when I was in labour with 2nd DC and they were minding DC1 - MIL refused to go to bed because she was kind of hoping I'd give birth at home and she'd be first to grab the baby) and had a work colleague stay one night (we were attending an event together that was near me). Other than that it's a no-guest zone. Don't mind day visits, but hate the whole overnight thing, and we don't have a spare room anyway. When I see posts on MN about people trying to clear up after one set of guests before the next arrive it fills me with horror as it would be a nightmare for me.

I'd be upfront with MIL and say you can tolerate house guests for one night stays only, and provide a list of low cost hotels or bnb nearby if she wants to stay longer. If she's moved to care for her DB and friends though, hopefully she won't be able to be away from them too long.

I would tackle this head on and say “I don’t like having any house guests so when you visit here are some b and b’s close by. I want to preserve our relationship and I’m aware that when you stayed last time we fell out and didn’t speak for a long time”.

Honestly here is the best policy.

This is her decision and you all need to discuss boundaries.

i think you’re a tad harsh on your husband. He’s not spineless, he just doesn’t have the same issue you do.

I would always ensure that arrangements fir arriving and leaving are agreed in advance and if 5 days was mooted, I would say that that is too much -in a kind way. Having to ‘kick someone out’ just wouldn’t happen in my house as I have boundaries which are firm and reasonable to everyone and I apply them kindly. Having someone stay with no idea of plans to leave sounds wild to me.

I would never, ever bad mouth my in laws in front of my children (op hasn’t said she has, but I strongly suspect that she has from the way she is speaking) and if I heard my dd talking badly of my in laws (unless a specific and justified reason), she would get short shift from me.

having my mil stay takes a few bottles of wine fir me to get to , but she or dh would bet kniw that. She is desperate to me part of my life and having her come to stay a few times a year is a small thing.

i do put in adjustments and will make sure dh takes his mum out fur lunch to give me some space. I also feel no qualms about going out in my own fur a coffee if im feeling I need space.

ckearly more compassionate them is lot of people on here.

the other side of the coin is that mil thought she was helping out. Stomping off in a strop is ridiculous and I’d not entertain that.

I’ve been a young mum. I still had boundaries.

Maybe they dont tell you as you come across as patronising?

Just saying..

OP “i didn’t say she was a bad person she does what she wants to do but doesn’t ask or take anyone else’s opinion on anything it’s her way or no way”

You do know OP that you are coming across very like this yourself?

also OP:

”I said I didn’t want them sleeping over
i do not need to see somebody else’s face that I don’t live with for 16 hours of the day and have someone in my personal space literally every single awake moment because that is what they do
i feel like I can’t breathe so if that makes me bad then so be it”

Wanting to preserve your own space is completely valid. It's your house, your boundary. It takes honest self reflection to know this is something you need to feel happy and relaxed, and a perfectly reasonable mental health line in the sand. Air bnb's are available, if she wants to visit, she takes responsibility for her accommodation.

This.

I'm not keen on house guests and only have very close friends to stay, unless it's very brief and for a specific purpose, eg someone getting a flight from the airport 30 minutes drive away but a long way from their home.

Get DH to explain that this is how things are and she'll have to get an Airbnb or hotel.

I made a huge mistake in having my ex's DM to stay and it was a nightmare. Mind you, she was a proper miserable cow.

Maybe you can set the tone by going to visit her first - but staying in an air B&B / Premier Inn etc. Saying you don't do houseguests and modelling the alternative might start to click with her.

So your DH is nice to his own DM and everyone dismisses that as “weakness”

Some of you need to watch out that karma doesn’t bite you on the bum and that your own DCs and DILs don’t treat you with the contempt and intolerance that you treat your older relatives.

FFS OP. Own your actions. If you want to cut your MIL out then do so but don’t come on here looking for justification from the hive mind that it doesn’t make you a bad person.

Why say you own your house, if you are married surely you both own it now?
<completely misses the point here>