Scared to have children in case they have additional needs

[Avelin]

A cousin of mine has two extremely autistic children. I love her kids deeply but I would be absolutely devastated if I had to live her life. One of her kids is non verbal and they are both very physical and can cause harm (intentionally and unintentionally. My sister and I try to give this cousin a break whenever possible (maybe once a month?) but we are so exhausted after even one evening.

I know the risk of having a child with additional needs is low but I’m absolutely terrified this could end up being my life. I love children, I love seeing how they interpret the world. I love doing arts and crafts/baking with my nieces and nephews. And many people think I’d make a good mum. But I’m just so scared of the possibility that any future children would have problems. Even though im very healthy and so is dh.

Is this normal? I’m 31 and dh is 35. 2026 was supposed to be the year we started trying for a baby. But I’m extremely anxious.

It’s sad there have just been so many people dealt lousy cards e.g. Jesy from Little Mix and her twin daughters.

I know some will say “well it sounds like you’re too selfish and immature to have a child”. I don’t believe that to be the case. I’m just aware of my limits and having a life that is not extremely hard is a priority for me.

Not all autistic children struggle and suffer. My DS is severely autistic but is such a happy little boy. He is probably the happiest of my three children.
I know he'll face difficulties as he gets older (or more likely me and his dad will) but NT children don't just sail through life.
There are countless posts from parents with NT children who have problems and issues.

I think you're being very sensible OP. I only had one child mainly because I had her at 37 and felt that having another at an even older age than that was too big a risk for me. I knew I could not cope with two children if one of them had severe needs. In those days autism or ADHD was not even on the radar, you just had tests for DS or (I think) Cystic Fibrosis.

If I was contemplating having children now I would certainly consider the risks and if either me or DH had had ND in our backgrounds we would probably have decided against having them.

This

I have several friends/relatives with Sen children and my god daughter has a very serious rare medical Sen but I am so proud to have been asks to be her godmother and every day she is alive is a blessing

This is a risk in every pregnancy. Even if the baby is healthy issues can occur during pregnancy and/or birth causing disability. Healthy people become disabled everyday through accidents etc it’s just part of being human.

My 6 year old son is severely autistic, non-verbal and needs to attend a special needs school. Unlike others I don’t think you are unreasonable for being scared of the prospect of having a disabled child. It’s incredibly hard and I worry daily for my son. He’s 6 years old and I thought I wouldn’t have a second child but I’m 5 months pregnant. I know the risks. Nothing in life is certain. I’m excited and happy to be having a second child and truly hope they are healthy.

Maybe some short therapy sessions to discuss it might help. Ultimately you need to be ok with the prospect of a disabled child because no one is guaranteed a healthy baby. If you are worried about autism (like your cousin’s child) I guess you could have some genetic testing done but again that doesn’t guarantee anything.

I think it’s right and healthy to talk about it.

I’ve always thought the same OP . I would also never risk having a child with someone autistic as it can be hereditary. I know that I would not be able to cope with a disabled child .

She didn't say that children with additional needs aren't perfect.

I know some will say “well it sounds like you’re too selfish and immature to have a child”. I don’t believe that to be the case. I’m just aware of my limits and having a life that is not extremely hard is a priority for me.

Why is the decision to not have children considered selfish but having a baby because 'I waaaant one' isn't?

No one would actually choose to have children who are unhealthy or have additional needs if there was a guaranteed choice between the two, would they? It’s ok to say you would only want healthy children or those without additional needs.

I have 3 girls aged 13, 12 and 9. Middle one is ND.
Life is challenging and we sometimes cant do/go places but I wouldn't change my daughter for anything. She is her own amazing person, I just wish that people were more accepting of her funkyness

I think it's perfectly reasonable to want life to be straightforward. And I say that with 1 out of 3 that has additional needs. She is thriving but it has taken a lot of time, commitment and money. Without that, I don't know where we would have been. She was diagnosed at 4 and alongside her brothers educated at public schools because I want their life to be smooth and for her to get the support she needs. Without that, I feel life would have been more traumatic and not saying that doesn't make it untrue.

I get it, OP, and this was something I struggled with, more so when deciding whether to have DC2. I don’t think there’s an answer really than your own appetite for risk and how important being a parent is. It’s a personal decision.

We have stopped at two, mostly because we feel our family is complete but even if we didn’t, I wouldn’t want to roll the dice again when we’ve been fortunate enough to have two healthy children.

I think a lot of people don’t ’just cope’, or that the word ‘cope’ is doing a lot of heavy lifting and people are ‘coping’ at the expense of their own mental and physical health and living basically on the edge of what is sustainable. Surviving, just.

I didn't think for a second about what we would do if our children had additional needs. As it turned out, one of our children is developing typically, the other is autistic. Her needs are on the milder/higher functioning end of the spectrum, to the point that most people who meet her and only know her on a superficial level dont realize she has autism. And even then, being her mum can be really hard. Keeping her regulated, advocating for her, teaching her to accept herself and be proud of who she is but also teaching her acceptable ways to behave - it's hard. it's emotionally draining. I absolutely don't wish we hadn't had her, and I don't wish she was neurotypical either because then she wouldn't be who she is (and she's fabulous!), but I don't think there's anything wrong with saying that parenting her is challenging and is likely to be so throughout her life. It's okay to hope that your child doesn't have the needs my child does. It doesn't offend me. We have also decided not to have a third child because if that child also had autism we know we couldn't do a good job of parenting two kids with additional needs. I'm not at all ashamed of that decision as I know it's not right to have a child that i can't look after well. I think it's sensible to reflect on your own capacity before you have a child, much better than bringing someone into the world whose needs you can't meet.

OP, I don’t really understand why people are being so hard on you. I guess it’s a matter of perspective but I think it’s better to be honest about these things rather than hide away and worry in secret.

I have children already and they don’t have additional needs of any other - they’re fairly boring little lads and lasses, bless them.

I had them quite young and didn’t really think of the possibilities but now I am older and the only thing stopping me from having any more (my partner wanted 1 more to ‘complete’ our family and so did I originally) is the thought of any additional needs.

I am not someone who can cope easily with everything and I already struggle with motherhood. It would be selfish of me to say I’m strong enough to handle anything.

however, I am also of the belief that parenthood is astonishing. At the end of the day, if I had a baby with any other needs, it is still my baby. My responsibility. I know I would love my child regardless.

that doesn’t negate the fact that I would struggle immensely and the idea has put me off having another child.

i have family members with profoundly autistic and unwell children. They are incredible parents. I don’t feel like they are living devastating lives but I would be lying if I said I envy them - they’re doing God’s work, honestly. They deserve endless support and appreciation for being so patient and committed. Having children is always going to be hard, so having them with additional needs would also come with unique challenges.

All I want to say is I hear you and you’re not alone

I don't have experience so can't say but from reading your post, I'm thinking maybe you could think what would be harder for you, a life with a child with a disability or never being a mother... (I'm saying that because you are saying you want to be a mum). There are definitely more children will additional needs being born into the world but equally statistically you are likely to have a child who doesn't have additional needs. If you did however, you would love your child unconditionally and you would get inner strength to cope I believe x

The bar for removing children from inadequate families is incredibly low. I have a friend who is a social worker and I taught children in hugely deprived areas for 20 years. The homes they lived in, without any question of being removed,were often desperate. Permanently removing a child either at birth or months/ years after the birth is very rare. If a child is removed at birth the pregnancy will very likely have involved the parents using drugs regularly and the mother is usually a victim of DV or has been pushed into sex work. The baby will be put into Foster care for years before being adopted and huge efforts will be made to support the birth parents so the child can go back home. The days of perfect babies born to 'foolish unmarried young mothers ' and adopted withing 6 weeks by a ' naice' family are now more Our local vicar adopted 2 girls ( unrelated to each other ). I taught both. The older they got the more their issues surfaced. Lots of adoptions collapse and the child is put back into Foster care. Imagine sending a hugely damaged child back/ carrying on with horrendous behaviours with little support. Do not adopt.

You're not unreasonable to feel this way - but I'm afraid the answer is to not have children.

You have to be prepared to take whatever you get if you decide to have kids and it's fine to not want to gamble.

You are annoyed that someone else would be devastated for themselves? The OP hasn’t said that others have to feel how she feels, she has only commented on how she would feel. Its weird to have an issue with her having her own feelings about her own life.

I think it was a very brave and honest post by OP. Surely no parent would want their child to be disabled or have SEN. It's hard enough raising children who don't have any issues.

There have been numerous posts on MN from desperate parents of disabled kids, or those with severe SEN, saying that they can't cope any more.

I've also read posts re aging parents of such kids who are terrified of what will happen to their child after they die.

Of course tragedy can strike at any time, through an accident or illness, hence part of parenthood is learning to live with the worry of what could happen.

OP, you need to talk about this with your partner, and decide what is best for both of you. 💐

As others have said - autism is genetic and therefore, in your case, it might be more likely that you would have a neurodivergent child. Is anyone else in the family autistic?

Obviously, not all neurodivergent kids have such severe needs. I have a neurodivergent child and his needs are not as severe. I did know that neurodivergence ran in my family and he is also the reason why I stopped at one as I didn't want to roll the dice again. Having said that my nephew seems neurotypical so it's not a 1 to 1 link.

lets be honest from
the outside world everyone would feel devastated to learn your child is going to face challenges Iife. That doesn’t mean she shouldn’t have children, she’s just been honest

Unless I have missed something people aren’t reading the OP’s posts properly. She hasn’t said that she’s devastated for any parent with a disabled child, she’s said she’d be devastated for herself. Those are two different things. Its OK for her to feel like that about her personal life. Some people are reading things that aren’t there and perhaps should reflect on why that is.

I’ve don’t have kids OP, because I think the world is a god awful place to inflict on a child, and it would be 100x harder if that child had difficulties. The world isn’t set up to support anyone with additional needs, and that certainly won’t change in my lifetime.

Do you feel able to talk to your husband about how your feelings about having children have changed?

It would be better to have that conversation sooner rather than later.

If your cousin has children with additional needs, if it’s genetic, you’re more likely to have children with additional needs too.
Why do you say the risk is low? Is it because of your family history or your DH’s?

It’s good that you know your limits, it can certainly happen though.

This didn't even cross my mind when I wanted to become pregnant. I didn't know anyone who had a child with additional needs. It does seem more common now though. I wonder why.

Oh well, that’s ok then. As long as you wouldn’t do it in real life. Much better to hide yourself on an anonymous forum when you are being highly insensitive, than do it in real life where people know who you are and you have to face their reaction in person.