Scared to have children in case they have additional needs

[Avelin]

A cousin of mine has two extremely autistic children. I love her kids deeply but I would be absolutely devastated if I had to live her life. One of her kids is non verbal and they are both very physical and can cause harm (intentionally and unintentionally. My sister and I try to give this cousin a break whenever possible (maybe once a month?) but we are so exhausted after even one evening.

I know the risk of having a child with additional needs is low but I’m absolutely terrified this could end up being my life. I love children, I love seeing how they interpret the world. I love doing arts and crafts/baking with my nieces and nephews. And many people think I’d make a good mum. But I’m just so scared of the possibility that any future children would have problems. Even though im very healthy and so is dh.

Is this normal? I’m 31 and dh is 35. 2026 was supposed to be the year we started trying for a baby. But I’m extremely anxious.

It’s sad there have just been so many people dealt lousy cards e.g. Jesy from Little Mix and her twin daughters.

I know some will say “well it sounds like you’re too selfish and immature to have a child”. I don’t believe that to be the case. I’m just aware of my limits and having a life that is not extremely hard is a priority for me.

I think it’s absolutely fine to think like this. Being a mother is hard work and the potential challenges with any SEND make being a Mum even harder. Even things you don’t think about like severe allergies, autoimmune conditions, accidents, childhood illnesses, genetic conditions etc etc etc
The point is, when you become a Mum you love your child unconditionally. You don’t understand that feeling until you have a child. I have no doubt that being a parent to a child with very high needs SEND is incredibly challenging but maybe it’s just something that you research and accept that if it happens, it happens and if you really feel you don’t want to be in that position then just don’t have children 🤷‍♀️

I think you shouldn't have kids because it is always a possibility that there will be an issue. I have two children with SN and it is not easy. It is exhausting, relentless and particularly tough on relationships. I adore my children and do not regret having them for one moment but I also have 2 child free siblings who have expressed that my life would be shit for them. Fair enough.

I feel the same. I had one child quite young and all is fine but if I was in the position to have another, I would be worried about the possibility of having a child with severe additional needs.

I never thought about it when I was pregnant at 22 but as I’ve got older and wiser in my 30s, I know more about the world, what can go wrong, how little support there is for families, etc.

It’s no slight on the children with additional needs themselves, I know alongside the challenges they can also bring so much love and joy to their families. But I know I would not be able to cope. There is little support so if you aren’t wealthy where you can pay for help, it sounds impossible.

Whilst I can understand it would be hurtful to hear it, I think most of us would be devastated to have children with severe additional needs. It must be extremely hard and no one wants a hard life. I think it’s ok to say that.

OP - it’s normal to internalise struggles around you. I wouldn’t let this put you off as the odds are very low. Being a mum is hard but so very lovely, I think you may feel sad for a long time if you don’t have them just out of fear of a disability.

Anything can happen to any of us that means our life becomes much more difficult but yes if this is something that especially worries you then it is certainly wise to think carefully about having children.

My friends DD is autistic and I don’t know how she copes as the only person who will look after her DD to give her a break is me. She is 8, non verbal, in nappies. Lovely girl, but life for my friend is tough. If she had a village, it would help, but she doesn’t.

Honest answer? Don’t have any kids….cos the risk is there

I get it OP. I have kids, and this was something I was so scared of when pregnant. I knew if they’d been born with something immediately clear like Downs Syndrome, I’d have to give them up which would be incredibly painful after growing and giving birth to a little human. I’d be mourning the baby I thought I’d have.

I honestly don’t know what I’d do if it was something that became apparent further down the line like severe autism. If I had other children, I could hardly let them live with someone who may be violent so I’d have to put them in care which would be hard.

I was petrified of still birth too. But ultimately I’m so glad I had children and cannot imagine life without them. The chances of things going wrong are slim. I think these fears are common but not something we say out loud in fear of judgment. But many go on to have children and all is well! I wouldn’t let it stop you having children.

People are allowed to have opinions and to use those opinions to help form their own decisions.

I'm sorry you feel that people are being rude but I think it's true to say that almost nobody would choose to birth and raise a severely disabled child.

I totally understand. DD (22) says the same. There is a lot of ASD and LD in our family, including her brother who is her only sibling.

Its not rude, it is honest. And if the OP is considering having kids then iy is absolutely something she should have an opinion on.

I feel the same OP, as do many people who might not want to admit it.

We are probably going to remain child free. We love our lives now and cant imagine the changes that children would bring, let alone ones with additional needs.

When my dd became disabled at the age of 10 I was devastated for her and the difficulties she would have in life.

If someone had said to me "I'm so devastated you have to parent that disabled kid" that's a completely different thing, and highly offensive.

Its unkind! Would it be acceptable to say you would be devastated if your child turned out to be gay or if someone in your family had a child of another race? I suspect a lot of people would be offended by those comments?

THIS - It’s so rude!

I am curious as to why a child with autism wouldn’t be a healthy child? Our son had ADHD, our daughter has cerebral palsy, both perfectly healthy children.

There are some disabilities it's not easy or even possible to screen for before birth.

Also things could develop at any stage of the child's life. Even if they were born healthy they wouldn't necessarily stay that way.

Of course it's still more likely than not your child would not have any serious disabilities, however they could have some kind of difference.

If that would be too much to cope with as a
concept then you simply shouldn't have children.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being child free. Obviously for some it's not by choice but many do choose not to.

You don’t sound like you are equipped to be a parent.

As for your cousin having two autistic children, that’s likely to be because of a genetic link. Is that gene shared with you because it increases your chances of having an autistic child if so.

Okay if I believed your child was ugly and felt compelled to let you know in the name of ‘being honest’ would that be ok?

But nobody wants anyone to have to care for a disabled child for life - that's a HUGE burden for someone to take on, no matter how much you love and/or wanted that child.

I would never dream of saying this to a parent who has a child with additional needs irl. I acknowledge it would highly insensitive and could cause upset.

But that’s why I’ve shared this on an anonymous forum. It’s almost taboo to admit this. But it’s how I feel. Rightly or wrongly. I tried having a conversation this with my mum but she was quite dismissive.

I have 2 kids, both are autistic, 1 is pda, that is the worst! My life is very hard and I cry all the time. 24/7 carer. Watching them struggle is honestly devastating. The rate of autism diagnosis in the world now is scary, why? I would love to know...My dh is on the spectrum, I did not know... he was always quiet, but making him a dad... he wasn't able to cope with emotional or planning side (poor executive function) and I am just so burnt out. I don't know what you should do, I just wanted to share my story. I do not understand any of it. I love them dearly.

But some of us reading this are parents to children with additional needs.

Beware of the "martyrs". I see some are here already.
Some people simply could not cope with a child who has special needs. In other countries they would abandon them. Here adoption is a less fatal option.

Likelihood, probability and genetics are all factors as well as age.

Good luck to you in whichever choice you choose.

How is that the same thing?

"If someone had said to me "I'm so devastated you have to parent that disabled kid" that's a completely different thing, and highly offensive."

I have a severely disabled child and a few times I have had people say they feel sorry for me for having a child like him. I have felt like slapping the people who have said it.